All I want for the holidays ...

The standard answer from some - Peace on earth, good will to all. Yes, that would be good ... but obviously not going to happen. Sadly.

My honest answer to what I want for Thanksgiving & Christmas?
Sigh.
After much thought and many tears - (tears as I write, too) -

*For my daughter to have a blessed birthday on November 28. She was born on her daddy's birthday - in his words, his BESTEST birthday present ever. This will be her first birthday alone - without her daddy. My heart breaks for her - I wish I could just fix this! But I cannot. So I pray that God Himself will be her Father - and that He will lavish her with love and with blessings on that day. And I pray that everyone else will give her the respect of the grieving and just let it be - for this one year.

*For me to be able to smile and to breathe thru this first birthday of Rick's without him here. If you want to help honor him - eat a piece of chocolate cake with a scoop of vanilla ice cream ... it was his favorite. How am I supposed to tell the love of my heart Happy Birthday? I miss him so much.

*That my mind and my spirit will focus on the blessings that God has given and done for us thru all the years, but in this year especially. As hard as this year has been - God has been God, and He has been good.
 -- Rick went thru a lot of pain this year before he died, but honestly, for all that he endured - his pain was so little. God gave him that.
 -- And God gave him the honor of being at home, in his own bed, laying on his pillow, with his wife at his side - when he died. That was what he wanted. It was the way he wanted to go. No pain. No drama or trauma. Just one breath.
 -- God has seen us thru these 200+ days without him. I don't know how. I wonder if I will even remember all these days, weeks, and months without him. I have been told by others who have walked this way that the first year is nothing more than a blur. I just want to write it down today that God has seen us thru. And He will continue to.

*That I will be able to smile when other say "Happy Thanksgiving" or "Merry Christmas" -- because I don't feel very "Happy" or "Merry". But then, this holiday season is for recognizing and acknowledging the blessings of God, as well as the birth of our Savior and Lord. This holiday season is not about "me". Again I say - I am not the only one grieving for Rick. And I am not the only widow/widower having their "first" holiday. From what I have been told - it doesn't really get any easier after the "first", either. 

*To see and to hear the laughter of the children ... the songs that are sung and played ... the lights that are displayed ... for in some ways I feel like I must do this for me, and for Rick.

*To be allowed to cry the tears, and smile ... 
To speak his name ...
To tell his stories, and mine ... to tell OUR stories.

*If I had the money -- I would take my children and my grandchildren out to eat one day this holiday season. And we would laugh and talk - and we would celebrate my husband, their daddy, their p-paw. He LOVED to go out to eat - especially when he could take our kids and grandkids. We would go out to eat at a Mexican food place - his favorite.

*If I had the money -- I would "do" OUR holiday. New Year's Eve with our kids and grandkids ... when the kids grew up and had families of their own, New Year's Eve became OUR holiday. Finger foods, games, laughter, up till the wee hours of the morning - oh my!!!
 -- there was a year that we lived in Hico TX, and all our kids and grandkids came to the house. It was a small house - but we all fit! We laughed, we ate, we played games. And as little as the house was - Joshua and Mandy still found a way to chase each other around over a package of Oreo's!!! LOL 
Rick told that story so many times! He laughed ... He loved it.

*If I could have it - I would have his arms around me - his kisses on my forehead. His hands into everything I was cooking. Him fussing at me that the decorations were too much. All of his grumbling hum-bug words. And the nights that he would take me out to see the Christmas lights. The nights that we stayed at home watching the Christmas movies. (how do I watch "It's a Wonderful Life" this year???)
But I cannot have him. So, I will try to have Thanksgiving ... and Christmas ... and New Year's Eve. I will try.

Rick -- I miss you so much.