An Indifferent Day

Sitting here this morning wondering what to write. I feel that I need to write something. Because I told Rick I wouldn't stop, I wouldn't give up - good days or bad, or simply indifferent ones.

Dessie had emergency gall-bladder removal surgery almost 3 weeks ago. She is doing good now. Received a good report from her doctor last Wednesday. 
Mandy had surgery on Thursday last week for the removal of 3 cysts on her scalp that had started growing and causing discomfort & pain to her. She returns to the doctor this Thursday for post-op check up and path report. 

Staying here in Sulphur Springs, where I was born and raised, where Rick was, too, and where we lived a great portion of our life together ... and where he died ... is different these days. 
Surrounded by friends, school-mates, & family ... and I have never felt so alone and lonesome!
Thousands of miles away from here I felt closer to each one than what I do this trip here. 
I know that life goes on for everyone. I get that. I don't expect, nor ask, for anyone to change their life, nor to even interrupt their schedules for me. However, it would be nice to be included on occasion. Sigh. 
Sometimes I think I remind them that Rick is gone. If I am not here, it is easier to tell themselves that he is just working out of state, or still driving the truck. Or at the least to put his life & death out of mind, and not deal with their own loss and grief. And without me here they aren't put in a difficult situation of not knowing what to say, or how to deal with my grief. 
Hearing the stories of my Rick would bring such comfort and many smiles to my heart these days.
If only his name is spoken it gives me hope that he has not been forgotten.
But everyone seems to refrain from mentioning him - almost like they don't want to remind me that he's gone. Well, guess what? I know he's gone. I know he's not coming back. 
But I'm not gone.
I'm still alive.
And I'm here NOW.
Doesn't seem to matter though. 

Driving on these highways and back roads makes the memories intense sometimes. Often makes a soft tear, but more often a big smile. I feel him here. I hear his voice, his laughter. All those late night and early morning rides. The Sonic runs. The trips to the parts store for a vehicle he was working on. Motorcycle rides all hours of the days and nights. God, I miss him! I miss our life. So thankful that we had the time together, and that we valued our times. 

I'm struggling with having a direction and purpose for my life. 
Staying with the kids, or with family/friends - it's different. Not being the "woman of the house", not knowing whether to cook or clean (I do, because I want to help as much as possible - but at the same time, I don't want to invade, interfere, or cause any friction). 
I miss having "me things" about me. 
I miss having a voice in decorating, cooking & cleaning. 
Makes me wonder ... 
But all I can do is wait ... hope ... pray.

Speaking of praying.
I have started that again. Praying for me.
I have always prayed for others. But after Rick died, I stopped praying for me. 
But a couple of weeks ago, I returned to my roots of prayer. 
I know 2 things without question - 
*1. There is a God.
*2. I am not Him.
I must simply trust in the Lord with all my heart, and lean not on my own understanding. In all my ways acknowledge Him. He has promised to direct my paths and make them straight. It also means trusting in HIS time. 
I pray that this waiting time will not be wasted time. As I wait to see what He will do with me, with my life, that I will work on ME - to become the best ME I can be, this age and this point in my life. 
Lord, Bless me ... and bless me Indeed - for Your will, Your purpose, Your praise. 
Every blessing that You give, I will turn back to praise to You.

On the drive from Joshua's to Mandy's last Wednesday, I spent the time listening to music - all genre's. God really spoke to my heart thru some of those songs. I cried more that day than what I have cried in a long time. But they were HEALING TEARS. Oh so precious healing tears. I am so thankful for that 4+ hour drive. Makes me look forward to the trip back at the end of this week. 

My life is complicated right now. Perhaps it always will be.
It's not okay, but yet it is.
It's like everything is falling apart ... but falling together - all at the same time. 

I will forever miss Rick in my life. But I know he is in my heart. I have a greater sense of wanting to hear him say, "You've done good girl". 
My mind and heart are open to a 2nd chapter of Love and Life - but I am not going to spend my time searching and seeking that. 
I am believing that if there is a 2nd chapter for me - God already knows that, and HE knows who & when & how to make it all happen. I don't want to get in His way, nor do I want to miss anything He has for me - no matter what or who it is. And if there is not a 2nd chapter? Then HE Himself will be my constant companion and life partner.
God is God. He created Eve from the rib of Adam and the dirt on the ground. He doesn't need me to interfere with this. :) I am simply going to stay open with my mind and my heart, and let HIM order my steps and direct my ways. 
Perhaps Rick will be allowed to have a small part in making it happen, if it is to be. That would make me smile even more. 

I'm working on my health. Being more careful with what I eat, and how much I eat. Also paying closer attention to WHY I am eating. 
For comfort? Reach out to someone. Read a book. Spend a little time in my prayer journal. 
For boredom? Reach out to someone. Read a book. Spend a little time in my prayer journal.