An off day . . .

Everyone has an off day
One of those days when you feel lost
Empty
Not really sad,
Certainly not angry
Just LOST
Empty
Not really discouraged
Not even frustrated
Just LOST
Empty.

Why?
Is this the way the body catches up to the emotions?
Or maybe the emotions are catching up to the body?
To the mind?
The last week or so have been days of great introspection.
Lots of thoughts, realizations, processing all of that. 

My heart is heavy with people that I love and care about – burdened for them, wanting to fix life . . . and knowing that I cannot.
All I can do is pray.
Cry out to Jesus for them.
And yet, as much as that is – it sure doesn’t seem like enough.
Not right now.
Not in this.

News headlines are weighing on my mind.
Is this world a worse place than it has ever been?
Or is it simply because of social media we are right there when it all happens now?
There was a time, even in my lifetime, that we didn’t get the news until it was pretty much done and over.
But these days?
It’s so much like we are in the middle of it all – no matter how bad it is.

The weather is on my mind much. 
Whether the brutal heat of this past summer, or the Siberian Express that rolled thru in late December 2022, even the changing weather with this front coming thru since early morning today. 

I think about the elderly and the sick.
I think about the homeless.
I think about the men and women who are out working in the weather, for US.
Whether law officers, firefighters, emt’s, road workers, those who work on our utilities.
I think about the farmers and ranchers.
The stock workers.
For whatever reason they are out there, working.

Maybe the feelings of being off centered, lost and empty today just has to do with all of this.
Maybe I just need a something to drink, and a long nap.
Maybe I just need my kids and grandkids for a little while – some laughter, some hugs and kisses, some family time.
Maybe I need a good book that will grab and hold my attention, to get my focus off of all this. 
Maybe a movie that will somehow touch laughter deep in my weary soul. 

Being alone wears on a person.
Or at least it does on me.
I can handle it for a few days.
But when it goes beyond a few days at a time?
Yeah, I need PEOPLE time.
Eyes to look into.
Eyes to see me.
Voices for my ears to hear.
Ears to hear my voice.
A handshake, a forehead kiss, a hug, a touch on the shoulder.
Skin gets hungry.
And the lack of touch HURTS.
I need to have a Reminder that there is some kind of witness to my life.
At least ever so often.

I sit here this afternoon, almost 3:30 pm.
And these thoughts race thru my head – just like they have been doing since I woke up much earlier this morning.
It’s a weird sensation.
This feeling so very lost and empty.
It’s more than loneliness.
Because honestly?
I don’t feel that lonesome right now.
It’s more than a physical pain.
Even though the changing weather brings a sharpness to the arthritis pain. 

It’s more than emotional or mental distress.
I don’t even feel in distress!
I am concerned.
Because I care.
And I find that I cry out to Jesus a lot on days like this!
But I am not twisting my hands in worry, nor cowering in a corner because of fear.

I don’t have a sense of purpose and direction today.
Maybe that’s a better way to describe this being lost and empty. ? ? ?
Oh I have plenty to do!
I have a list of things to do that seems to be a mile long – maybe more!
And it’s not that I don’t want to do these things.
I do!
But where is the direction?
What do I start on?
What do I do next?
Nothing seems to be making any sense today.

Is this a recurrence of the widow’s fog?
That’s kinda what it feels like.
Just wandering.
Lost.
Empty.
No direction.
No purpose.
Nothing making sense.
Almost like just going thru the motions.
Or being outside my own body and seeing myself going thru the motions.

UGH.
How do I explain this to anyone when I don’t understand it?
God, would YOU just hold me?
I could use a few minutes being held.