Bad dreams

Yes, my life the last few years seems more like a bad dream than reality. In fact, I keep hoping at some point I will "wake up" and know it truly was all "just a bad dream". Yet while hoping against hope, I know that it is not going to happen. This bad dream IS my reality. 

However, the last month or so there is a recurring bad dream. From once a week to several times a week. Little variation in the happenings of the dream. 
I miss arms that hold me when I wake up shaking. Soft kisses to dry the tears. Comforting tender words to "sh-h-h-h-h-h" me until the breathing calms. I also miss a listening ear to the details of the dream - for I have found out thru the years that if I talk my dreams "out", they usually do not return. Sigh. Not sure if writing them out will have the same effect ... but it is worth a try - too tired to keep bearing this burden alone. 

The basic dream: (some times there are varying details, but all follow this basic pattern)
I am staying with someone, as a guest in their home. Asleep in the living room.
I wake up and all is dark. This is not a typical darkness, but a crushing darkness. One that can be smelled, felt, tasted even. One that takes the breath away (not in a good way).
I slowly get up, thinking I can turn a light on. 
However, nothing is the same as when I went to sleep. 
I can't see a thing. But knowing where everything was, nothing feels the same.
As I stumble in the darkness, I trip, I fall. 
A glass crashes to the floor. Shards are scattered about.
Now every move brings a sharp pain.
Not being able to see, I don't know what direction I am going. 
I reach for something to steady my walk, nothing is there. 
Outstretched arms trying to find something, anything. 
Nothing is there. 
I hear my son calling to me, that he needs me. 
His voice is so far away, yet insistent. I can almost feel the panic I am hearing.
I cannot find him.
From another direction, there is a soft cry of a child.
Whimpering in pain, in fear.
Now I am torn between my son who sounds so far away, and the child who is near. 
Then I feel a presence of anger. 
Soon hearing words that I have long hoped I never would:
"Leave. Leave NOW. You have ruined everything." 
How can I leave? I cannot find my way in the darkness!
Where I am leaving? I do not know where I am. I thought I knew. I don't.
Where can I go? 
I cannot see ...
I cannot breathe ...
The tears begin to fall. 
I cry out, "Please, help me. I cannot see. I do not know where I am. I do not know how to leave." 
Just the voice of anger responds, over and over,
"Leave. Leave NOW. You have ruined everything." 
The realization that no one cares, no one wants me ...
there is no place I belong -
this cold hard realization settles upon me in the dream. 
A cold sweat of fear.
The anxiety to stop this.
The panic that I am being pushed away into an abyss of darkness and aloneness.
A fighting spirit rises within my chest ... No I will not be taken down like this!
Yet, as soon as it does, the crushing darkness & reality forces it back down. 
What am I fighting for?
Who am I fighting for?
If I am not worth being fought for ... then how can I fight for myself. 
Besides, I am so tired, so very weary.

I wake up ... and for a moment, the dream is my reality - -
I cannot see,
I cannot breathe.
I force myself to breathe in ... and breathe out.
I force my eyes open & focus on one thing in the room, anything. 
I try to settle my nerves ...
calm my breathing ... 
I wipe my tears away ...
Tell myself it was just a bad dream ... 

​Then,
as I sit there,
​waiting for the dream to dissipate as a fog in the sunshine - - 
An ice cold shiver runs up my back. 
This is my life. 
My life is playing itself out in the dreams. 

Without an anchor. 
Without a home. 
Without someone to love. 
I am lost in the darkness. 
Crushed by grief.

There truly is no place I belong.