Being honest on the BAD days ...

2:09 p.m. --
Dear God in heaven. Our Father in heaven. I come to you, crying out to you - just as I am.
Search me O God and know my heart. Try me and know my thoughts. Examine me and know me.
I have sinned against you and fallen short of your glory. I cannot say with all certainty that I know everything I have done or said wrong, or what I haven't done or said right. There is so much confusion and second guessing going on in my mind and in my heart today.
God, I have never walked this way before ... and I am afraid. Is fear wrong? I know that you have said 365 times in Your Word - "Do not fear" ... so fear must be wrong??? I am sorry to be so afraid - especially when I have read your Word, and I know You. I am sorry.
God, my heart is breaking. My spirit feels crushed to no joy, no peace, and very little life.
It's just been a really, really, really BAD day - with Rick and me.
I am sorry. I wish sorry would fix everything. I wish "sorry" fixed it all when I say it to you ... or when Rick says it to me. But sadly, "sorry" doesn't fix anything. It doesn't make the bad things go away, or be like the words were never spoken.
And even your Word says that "love and faithfulness covers a multitude of sins" - not just "I'm sorry".
"I'm sorry" that Rick fell the other night ... he is sorry that he fell -- why does he still hurt? Why is he still in misery with the pain and the soreness? Didn't we both say "I'm sorry"? Didn't we both mean it with all of our heart and soul???
We did. But "I'm sorry" just doesn't fix the hurt. Those are words of compassion and care. Words of comfort - usually more comfort to the one who says them, than to the ones they are said to.
And yet, I come here to you and I say "I'm sorry". Hoping that it fixes all the brokenness between you and me. It doesn't.
Thank you for the Blood of Jesus that DOES fix the brokenness between you and me. Nothing but the Blood of Jesus.
Oh precious is the flow that makes me white as snow ... nothing but the Blood of Jesus! God, all my hope and prayer rests in the Blood of Jesus, and on your promises. Please, God, forgive me of my sins. Cleanse me from all my impurities, and from all unrighteousness. Take all my sins away - as far as the east is from the west. Wash me - O God. Wash me - my hands and my heart, my mind and my mouth, my life and all there is to me. Make me whiter than snow - because of the Blood of Jesus. Forgive me O God. Forgive me. Please.
O God - our Father in heaven! Heal the brokenness between you and me.
Open wide your arms of love and grace. Bid me come. I run! Fall at your feet! Abba Father! Gather me into your arms. Hold me there. Hold me still and quiet.
Let me listen to your voice as you sing over me - that Daddy's lullaby. Let me feel you breathe ... hear your heartbeat. Let me just know your Presence, your Embrace, your Essence. O God - just to be still and KNOW You.

Father God - show me repentance. I know that I repent to You. What do I repent from? When there are so many second guesses, when there is so much confusion. What is it that I am repenting FROM? What are the wicked ways that I turn from? Show me Your path of righteousness clearly - even if just one step at a time. Please O God.
And please God - help me with forgiveness.
--To forgive myself - because you already have, and I am not greater than you, my Master, my Teacher. You have forgiven me, who am I to say I cannot, or I will not forgive myself?
--To forgive all others - knowing that more times than not, they do not know what they do. They do not realize the hurt they cause by their words or their actions, nor by their lack of words, or inaction. God, many times the hurt is because of my own preconceived ideas of what life with others should be - and my own disappointments when they don't measure up to my cookie cutters. Help me to just lay it all down before you now. Take my hands off - surrender. And trust YOU.
--To forgive Rick -- more than not, it is the hardest point of forgiveness. Because I have trusted him so completely and with abandon for all these years, and it feels very much like he has stomped on that trust. Not because he has been unfaithful to me - he never has been. But because he has pulled away from me, locking himself into a discouragement and depression - and locking me out. God, we are divided - and by no choice of mine, by no option that I was given. Yes, life has happened - the good, the bad, the ugly. But we are divided. And even your Word says that "a house divided cannot stand". Rick shuts me out - he was just shutting me out when he slept, and now? He shuts me out when he is not in bed asleep. In a hundred little and big ways thru the day and evening and into the night. He shuts me out. After 34 years of faithful marriage - him to me, and me to him. He shuts me out. It's not fair God! It's not right! And it hurts ... more than I can describe to you with these mere words, more than the tears streaming down my face at this moment - it hurts God. I love him with all my heart! I married him for sickness and health, for richer, for poorer, until death do us part. I married him for LIFE. But this hurts God. This hurts. God, this is more than I can bear! This is more than I can fix! There aren't enough tears to fix this. There aren't enough words. There is no argument I can make - to you, or to him. God, if you don't intervene and change hearts and minds and lives - then, God, I don't know what to do. But I think it starts with me forgiving him. And honestly? I don't know how. It hurts so much God. And it isn't something that I can touch, or see, or taste. I feel it. I hear it. But how do I just lay it down? How do I leave it? When I live it? O God - show me your way thru all this. Please.

Father God -- I have spent hours upon days and nights sitting here writing out my thoughts, my feelings, my prayers. Good and bad. I have shared some with others - either in conversation, or on my website/blog and on Facebook. But never have I laid all the cards on the table. Out of respect for Rick ... out of fear to dishonor him. In one form or another it seems that I skirt this way and that, touching on the bad on occasion - but in a way that it isn't presented as bad as it is in real life. I haven't wanted our kids and grandkids to ever know all this ... at least not until after we are both gone and they have found these journal pages and care to read thru them. I haven't wanted others in family and friends to know all this ... because I know how much they love and respect and regard Rick. He is a good and honorable man. He should have the respect, the honor, the praises of those in the city gates.
But God -- how much of the negative and bad and heartache do I bear alone? I have tried God ... for all these years - and it began well before the dialysis and shoulder disability. And when it has overwhelmed me enough that others have seen or heard, then the guilt nearly eats me alive! (Just like now. Glenda called - and she heard the tears, she heard. And she cares. Cared enough to offer me comfort and hope. Cared enough to listen. Cared enough to talk with me. But now, the guilt. And the realization that I shared with her, but I didn't either. So there is guilt in what I said, but just as much guilt in what I didn't say. Sigh.)

Rick is a faithful husband. A caring daddy. A loving p-paw. But he is a man. First and foremost. He is a man. A good man. But a man.
And I am a woman.
Just a question God - how in this world do we "go and live in peace"? When we are so very different from one another?
And another question - now that I have spoiled him for 34 years, how do I NOT??? But now that he has spoiled me for 34 years, how do I not LIVE spoiled???
So many changes God. Changes that are overwhelming. More than I can deal with at times.
I love the man. I love my husband.
But to be honest? I miss my friend in him. I miss the laughter. I miss the touches and hugs and kisses. I miss the teasing and the playing. I miss the dreams and hopes and plans of our future together.
I get so lonely in these hours God. These hours upon hours that he sleeps - day and night. The times he goes to bed, and all I can do is listen to him sleep. The times he sits at the table and sleeps - waking up only to deny that he sleeps, or to apologize for not being what I need, or apologize for being in my way ... even tho all I am doing is sitting there quietly and still, not saying anything, certainly not griping at him about anything.
And I get so confused. I have always heard that actions speak louder than words. He says "I love you" on occasion. But then, not a touch, not a kiss, not anything.
Bitter and sweet water out of the same fountain? Your Word says it ought not be so. But in our life? It is. He loves me, I am the best thing that God has given him besides his salvation ... but then, I am ignorant, can't do anything right, having little to no potential.
And today? Well, today ...
I am told that it is too late for "us". That too much has been said and done. There is no hope. --But doesn't your Word say that "Love always hopes"???
I love the man. I love my husband.
What do I do with this hurt God??? How do I just lay it all down here at the altar of Surrender???

God, I pray for Rick.
He is going thru a difficult time - dealing with a shoulder disability, dealing with dialysis. A lot of changes for him in this life now. He has always worked for a living, and now? The desire is there at times, but the realization that he cannot.
His focus is more on what he can NOT do ... where he can NOT go ... what he does NOT have. And if I try to encourage him? Oh my. Better for me to be that woman without words that I Peter 3 talks about. Course, that is not who I am! And it is so hard to hear my husband, the man I love, be discouraged and say things - and just sit there, quietly, with no response whatsoever.
And now, this past Thursday, he fell outside. So today - he is sore and stiff. It hurts to move about. Course, not moving causes more stiffness and soreness. I have asked him many times if he wants to go to the hospital, or for me to call Dr. Greenwell. "No" on both. So, what am I to do? I give him pain pills (taken, but with the desire for more), I suggest a hot shower (not even considered), I offer to help him in any way - rub him with liniment (limited), wrap his arm (allowed, but not happy about it), whatever we can even just try. I told him that he could have today and Sunday to try and get better. If not better, then I would just be the bitch he claims me to be and I would call the Dr anyway! And I told him that if need be - Joshua can be called, and he will come over and man-handle him to the hospital. Sigh. Bitch that he claims, bitch that I feel! Sigh.

I find myself wanting him to FEEL my pain. I love him - but I want him to FEEL the hurt when his words grieve my spirit, when they crush my heart, when they break the guard around me. I try to explain to him - but there is little to no understanding, little to no nothing. He is so far from me.

God, I am afraid. And it is really hard not to be angry. But who do I be angry with?
--Is this You? I don't believe that. You are good and kind and loving. You have plans for us. Jeremiah 29:11. But you know all this. You could change all this. As Bruce Almighty says - in just 5 minutes you could put it all right! ...but then, I think of "free will". Sigh.
--Is this Rick? He has "free will". Words are a choice that we make before we say them. Feelings are a choice when we dwell on them. Thoughts are a choice when we think on them. Philippians 4.
--Is this the enemy? He has come to kill, steal, and destroy. Yep. Sounds like him! Killing the peace. Stealing the joy. Destroying the love. God, please - this warrior is a child! Please, fight this battle for us.

God, our Father -- help me please.
I pray for the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, and to accept the things I cannot do.
I pray for the courage to change the things I can, and to do the things I can.
I pray for the wisdom to know the differences.
God, our Father - I choose to believe that there is a God, and I am not Him ... You are!
I choose to believe Your Word ... and that Your Promises are yes and amen!
And I choose to run TO You, not turn away from You.

God, our Father - I pray for Rick. The man. My husband. My friend. In Jesus' Name ... Thank you.
I love you.