Yes, I am hard-headed. I have said it so many times since Rick died - this is MY grief, MY journey, MY life. I will live this the best way I know how ... and if I screw it up, then that is on me. I stand on that still today.
There is no offense intended. I do not desire to hurt anyone.
I am fully aware of this one thing - I am not alone.
I do not have to deal with the "moments" that come alone.
And my actions, or lack of, have a direct effect on others.
Because I am not alone in this grief walk.
I am at the point in my grief of letting chapters close.
It's like when you are reading a really good book, you are in a chapter that just captivates your mind, your emotions, your imagination -- and then, it's over.
You read the last word in that chapter, you stop, you shake your head, you look at the page and say - "WHAT?"
You weren't ready for that chapter to end. Not enough had happened.
Too many questions unanswered.
Your mind is whirling!
You have a choice.
Close the book, even tho it is not finished.
Or - read on.
Find out what the next chapter (s) have to say.
Will the story be continued?
Will the answers be given?
Will there be more excitement?
Will I laugh with the characters?
Or will I cry?
I am choosing to READ ON.
My mind works in analogies - and it used to drive Rick crazy. *giggle*
I think about an oyster who gets a grain of sand within his shell.
He does not cast the grain of sand away.
But every time he feels irritation because of that grain of sand, he puts a layer of protection around it.
He continues this ... until a beautiful pearl is created.
A pearl that is highly favored and of great value.
I will never be without the grief ...
my heart is broken.
And as it was so eloquently put to me yesterday - I don't want to ever be without that grief ... because my deep grief is evidence of the great love that Rick and I shared.
And to be without that grief would mean that it no longer matters.
This grief is proof of the changes in me without him.
But - I have to find those things that will add the layers of protection around my "grain of sand".
So that I can live this life with grace, with dignity - with giggles & with tears.
I know that many do not understand all that I say or do --
or what I don't say or do.
I have been told "I've never seen you like this before" --
uh, no you haven't.
I have never been a widow before.
I love this song - Born Free.
Rick valued his freedom above all things. So do I.
It is so important to me to be free - to be ME. And even more important is to allow others that freedom. I will choose your freedom every time!
We are all BORN FREE! Let's use that freedom to help one another, to love one another, to carry one another thru the bad times, to walk along side one another as partners in this LIFE.
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So why "Scattered Feathers" ? ? ?
You can read it here