Christmas Eve 2020

Christmas Eve 2020
The first time I have been alone in, I guess, 40 years.
That very first Christmas as Rick’s wife. 
He had chosen to work a double shift Christmas Day, because that meant better pay - and he was giving those with children the day off to enjoy with their family. 
I spent that whole Christmas Day, from the time he left, until just a few minutes before he returned, sitting on the floor in front of the Christmas tree - 
- remembering the Christmas time past with daddy and momma
- wondering what our Christmas future would be like
- and crying my heart out for the Christmas that I was enduring
The following year, we had a brand-new baby, less than a month old
And all the next years were spent laughing, baking, cooking, having all those hours shopping & wrapping be torn into in just a matter of minutes with squeals of pleasure, hugs and kisses, movie watching, Christmas light looking, decorating, cleaning ... and a hundred other Christmas activities. 
When the kids were grown and were making their own families and memories, Rick and I did Christmas a bit different every year. 
But he always made sure I had the tree and decorations, the movies were watched, the drive was taken to look at Christmas lights, cookies were baked, food was cooked. 
He made sure there was the Christmas Eve kiss. 
- Oh that kiss! I still believe it was one of the BEST of each year!
- I would stand facing the tree. He would come up behind me. Softly move my hair to one side. Wrap his arms around me. Lay his head on my shoulder. We would both take a deep breath, letting it out slowly and softly. 
- Then those words, spoken huskily filled with emotion and love, those words that my heart aches to hear even now: “You done good, girl!” 
- He would gently turn me towards him. Look deep into my eyes. Like he was searching for some kind of hidden treasure. Then, ever so gently, he would place that wonderful, tender, most perfect, forehead kiss. 
- Afterwards, I would turn my head and lay my cheek on his chest. We were wrapped in each other’s arms and time stood still. I never knew how long we stood there like that. But I can tell you now - it was never long enough! 
- He would take one hand and stroke my hair. Then, he would tenderly kiss the top of my head. 
- His next words always made me giggle. “You smell like cookies and ham! Smells good enough to eat!” 
- He would let me go and turn towards the kitchen, with me hot on his heels! “DO NOT cut that ham, Ricky Lee!” 
And every year ... he cut the ham on Christmas Eve. 
This is the 6th year now that he hasn’t cut the ham ... and I do believe I miss him more than I ever thought I could. 
Oh he was something else!!!

So this Christmas Eve, 2020 - 
I sit here with a river of tears streaming down my face, as I remember our Christmas Eve kiss
And I am so thankful that Rick was the way he was
He loved God with all his heart and soul
He led me and the kids by example
He made mistakes, he took missteps
He said things he shouldn’t have said
He did some things that he deeply regretted
So, he wasn’t perfect - but perfect for me
He wasn’t perfect - but he was forgiven.
And I am so thankful that he was mine, and I was his. 

It’s different being alone 
I don’t need the cookies, cakes, or pies - so no baking
- well, I did make 2 pies for my son. His favorite. Jeff Davis Pies. 
I have been invited over for a Christmas dinner with my son and his family, so tomorrow I will be with them for a few hours. 
- and I know there will be laughter and love, and it will feel good. Different, but good. 
But because of this invitation, there is no ham cooking today - which is really ok, Rick was the "ham-aholic" not me. lol 
And due to a shortage of money, there have been no presents bought, so none wrapped. 
Being alone, also means not a present under my little tree. 
Just my memories. 

I know that there are many people who are spending this Christmas alone.
Not just Christmas Eve, but Christmas Day as well.
My heart goes to you - and I pray that you will know peace.
For whatever reason that you are alone, my hope is that you know you are not alone
- there are many who are traveling this way with you
- and God is always by your side. 
Oh I know, way too often in this life, those words seem just that - words
But I am here to tell you - they are MORE than just words
In these last few weeks especially, I have come to know the very Presence of the Living God in my life. 
And while I ache and long for that human touch - just a hug, a forehead kiss ...
I would not trade this Presence even for that. 
Cry out to Him - He is listening
And He has an almost magical way of filling your soul with Peace, and your heart with Joy. 
Cry out to Him today! 

So to all - Merry Christmas! 
May you know the Blessings of the Christ child. 

This picture was taken on a Christmas Day many years ago.
Just moments after the picture was taken,
he did what he so often did -
he licked the end of my nose!
Knowing I would cry out his name -
"Ricky Lee McCoy!"
​And he would laugh with that twinkle in his eyes.