Christmas to me ...

My one 😥Christmas post. 
I have loved Christmas since I was a kid, even though I grew up poor - more than one Christmas all I got was an apple, an orange, 5 walnuts, and one candy cane. After Rick and I got married our monies all went to our kids, we very rarely bought each other anything.
So Christmas has never been about the presents. 

Growing up in Texas I never expected a white Christmas. Rick always said, "If Texans were supposed to have a white Christmas, God would have made bullshit white!" (lol, he was a mess <3 ). In my life (56 years) I have only had maybe 5 of the "dreaming of a white Christmas" times.
So it has never been about the snow. 

I have just loved Christmas. The sights. The sounds. The smells. Rick always said that his biggest kid was me. Every year I would cajole him into letting me put the tree up a few days earlier, and leave it a few days later. One year we put it up the first of November, decorated it for a "Cowboy Christmas", complete with hay bales and a wooden fence in the house (that he and our son built). That year, we all enjoyed it so much that it stayed until July 5! Lol. We would change the decorations for each holiday.
Good times, good times. 

The first year without Rick I was in shock, numb to the core and I think a bit in denial (he was just off on the truck and couldn't be with us type). 
The second year I spent it with precious new friends. Felt a bit of the emptiness and loneliness from the loss, but still feeling that "he was at work". It was easy to get wrapped up in their holiday. 

This year? Sigh. The hardest so far.
Others expect me to be better because it is my 3rd one without him. :( I know I am not here to live up to the expectations of others, but it still makes it even more difficult - to hide the tears, to not allow the heart to show on my face or in my eyes. To not take that deep breath or sigh, just to get thru the "moment". 

*Every song has a vivid reminder to me this year - I hear him singing them, I remember family song-fests, the times we stood together and sang them in church.
*The visions of Christmas lights bring a tear, for all the times we would go "Christmas light looking", miles and miles of driving and searching for the "best one this year".
*The smells remind me of the years planning the meals and desserts, the shopping, the baking and cooking - how tired I would get, but oh what a good tired it was. 

I miss cleaning the house so that it would sparkle for decorating.
I miss decorating.
I miss making the lists of foods to cook (we had 12 days of celebration, each meal different, each one "fancy" in its own way).
I miss cooking.
Damn I miss baking. 

Yes, I miss the magic of Christmas.
It's not about the presents, nor the snow, not even about the decorations, the lights, or the foods.
It was all about the MAGIC.
The laughter.
The stories told.
The memories shared.
The hugs & forehead kisses.
That was my MAGIC. 

This year, the magic is still there, aching to come out & show itself.
But I am lost as to how to allow that.
I physically feel the emptiness of my life. 

Ok.
I have allowed a tear or two of feeling sorry for myself.
I have allowed a few words of sharing my heart.
Time to dry the eyes, fix my hair, get dressed and hush.