Coffee & Sugar Cookies

I read these words of a prayer the other day, 
Words that came across my Facebook feed -
From Janene thru www.awidowsmight.org
They spoke volumes to my spirit when I first read them, 
And since that first reading, they have become a prayer from the depths of my being

Lord God, Savior and Shepherd to my broken heart, 
I am found in You but feel lost in this world. 
It is altered by a single absence - my husband, my love. 
How could I be ready? 
There is no readiness for the amputation of two made one in marriage, 
the knife of death in this life 
and the grasping for hope in the aftermath. 
I lean into You in the boat in which You have me.
You carry me forward. 
You care for me. 
Your compassion surrounds me and I am swaddled as Your child. 
You look ahead for me. 
You know the thoughts and treasured love behind every tear that drops. 
I am fully understood and completely loved. 
I am secure. 
I am Yours. 

The lost that I am continues these 5 years 7 months after Rick died
Complicated grief is what I have been “labeled” with
But honestly? 
Every one processes grief in a different way, at a different pace - 
Just as everyone had a different love story, and depth of love 

I have tried to stay around people more than to withdraw and isolate myself
(although I must admit that the isolation has been more since moving into this apartment, for one reason or another)
Couples have been a painful reminder that I am not one any longer
- but I am learning to smile as they hold hands, or give that knowing look to one another
The struggles of raising kids serves to remind me that my nest is empty
- but I am learning to rejoice in the memories of those sweet days, and to enjoy the blessings they are enjoying now ;) lol 
The voices and busy-ness of life when around people tends to drown out the cries of my own sorrow and sadness
- and selfishly? I have let it.

But now, living alone - 
And being alone more hours each day, more days each week, more weeks each month ... 
That has brought about a change in the grief
It has made me face the fears
Listen to the sorrows
Acknowledge the anger, the hurt, the frustrations
Look deep into the eyes of worry 
Question how am I going to handle this life - alone
So many questions
Not enough answers

There has been a letting go of those I have held on to 
They have their lives
I need to find mine

I think the thoughts that wander and wonder have been some of the greatest struggles in this quietness, so far at least
Those that take me to a time past  
- forcing me to admit that there is nothing more I can do about the regrets I must bear
- leading me to believe that God knew my stupidity when He created me, and when He called me. So, nothing has caught Him by surprise, nor shocked Him. 
And more especially those that take me into an unknown future
- where the song, “Trust In Jesus” takes on a much deeper meaning and comfort than I can explain
- it’s ALL I can do

Oh I’m still lost
But my roots are going down into His Mighty Name with every passing day and night
His Promise is that He will not break a bruised reed
And bruised I am
But He knows that
He is God over all these storms in my life 
And I am His. 
So, when it’s all been said, or written, it’s just that simple - 
3 words
I. AM. HIS. 
I. AM. HIS.
I. AM. HIS.

So what shall I do?
The next thing
Whatever is in front of me
The next thing
Laying down the burdens of this life
So that I may go undistracted into the night, and then the day - 
Listening to His voice as He sings over me, quieting me with His Love
Feeling His arms around me, holding me - just holding me
Smelling His coffee and sugar cookies ... cause that’s what I believe God smells like. ☺ 
And that makes me smile - 
When nothing else can
That makes me smile
Thank You God for understanding me completely ... and loving me anyway
You sure have Your hands full with me, don’t You? 
I love You.
All for Jesus