December 04th, 2014

1:17 a.m. Thursday, December 4, 2014 ... yawn ... sleepy, but sleep isn't greater than the insomnia, not greater than the earache, not greater than the busy-ness of my thoughts. So, here I sit ... with olive oil on cotton stuffed into my ear, having taken 2 aspirin and 2 Tylenol for the pain. Thinking, praying, writing.

We made a spur of the moment trip to Sulphur Springs this week. Left here early on Sunday morning, got back later Monday evening.
Sam called, and he was finished with the painting on the 2002 Dodge pickup. Rick is not very happy with the paint job. But what is done, is done. It looks better than it did. The clear coat had died and the paint was beginning to. So, it is not up to Rick's standard, but it looks better (or at least to me it does, but then, what do I know??? sigh) ...

The truck is for sale. I will be posting all the details of the truck tomorrow with pictures. Praying that God will open the doors and make the way for it to sell. But then, I am trusting Him. Even if it doesn't sell ...

Christmas ... so different than I ever thought it would be.
Not "bad" - just not the Christmas of my dreams.
My dreams of Christmas?
Baking with my daughters and granddaughters ... like Momma and I used to do. Pecan pies. Buttermilk pies. Coconut cake. Plum cakes. Fruit cakes. Cookies. I remember the Christmas baking with Momma always started in October. We would bake and freeze ... bake and freeze.
But time and distance, money (or lack of), jobs, school -- just doesn't allow for that. The girls and I do what we can. More than not, we are baking "together" over the phone.
Shopping ... but what do you shop for when there is little to no money in the bank? We don't have credit cards. So, the shopping that we do is little, and usually just for what is needed. 
Decorating ... we each decorate our homes. We share pictures. 
We have a meal here and there together. As many times as we can do around the different schedules, and across the miles. 

Rick has never been one to really "celebrate" the holidays. He has always allowed me to decorate, to bake, to shop. But never really all that involved.
And now that it is just Rick and me at home? Well, I'm just tired and weary - especially this year.
Not being "Bah-humbug" about Christmas. Just not overly excited, either. Sigh. 
Just more - "bleh" ...  

Rick is feeling some better. He had lost about 19 pounds in these 2 weeks as of yesterday morning. He is down to 263. Thank you God!!!!!
His legs had swollen so much that now he has some blisters on the fronts of his legs. We are washing them, and putting anti-bacterial cream on them.
His blood sugar was lower yesterday morning than it has been in these 2 weeks - again, Thank You God!!!!!

Pray for him. He is struggling with discouragement and frustrations. His body isn't working the way he thinks it should - he is facing a lot of "limitations" or "challenges". Some days - just more than he can really accept.
He told me the other day that it is easier to just sleep -- at least when he sleeps, he dreams, and when he dreams in sleep, he dreams of a life without the limitations, a life where he can go and do what he wants.
I can understand that ... but I also know how lonely I get when he sleeps so much. I cannot be there with him in his dreams. He says I am. But I don't know. Even if I lay next to him - I am not there inside of his dreams.
Just a difficult time for us both ...

I thought of Momma yesterday afternoon/evening. I remember seeing her so many times sitting in her chair, or on the couch. Just sitting there. Staring off into space. Or twiddling her thumbs. Sometimes dozing in and out. But always just sitting there - still and quiet. Because daddy was sitting in the room asleep. He would sit at the table, head in his hands and sleep. Or he would sit on the edge of the couch, head in his hands and sleep. Momma would sit there as long as she could - quiet and still, letting daddy sleep.
I never really understood that about her. Why didn't she get up and do something? Even if he didn't?
Now I know.
It's easier more than not, just to be still and quiet. Let him sleep. Don't make him think that I am griping at him, or accusing him. Don't make him feel like he is in my way - he already feels that enough, without me saying or doing anything ... even tho I don't think or feel like he is in my way.
I try to understand that Rick is dealing with a whole lot of things ... and he is just tired, weary. I keep hoping that if I let him sleep, he will feel better when he wakes up, that he will be in a better mood. I keep hoping ... and I keep sitting still and quiet ...