February 27th, 2013

Sometimes it is hard to know what to write ... our days and nights seem to flood into one another. Like we go from one exchange to the next. And kinda wander the 4-6 hours between each one. 

What is there to write about? 
We go nowhere. We see no one. 
No one calls. No one visits. 

We struggle against discouragement and depression - more than we want to admit. More than anyone can imagine. 
We sit here in a house filled with sorrow and sadness ... dreams of a HOME that are nothing but ashes in the wind now. (Long story there ... sigh)

This is the longest winter of our lives. The hardest, too. And I am not talking about the weather! 
My last thread of sanity that I hold on to? Looking for that promise of SPRING ... LIFE ... a new beginning ... healing ... strength ... vitality ... 
Sigh. 

We wait to hear from Dr. Devinney about Rick's shoulder/rotator cuff. Will he continue with the PT? Or has all the good that it's going to do been done? Will Rick be released from Dr. Devinney's care? To return to work? How? He cannot use the arm in the smallest way, let alone to drive a big truck, or hook/unhook trailers! Will he be listed as disabled? What does that mean to us - paycheck wise? 

And of course, we deal with the dialysis now, too. 4 times a day doing the exchanges. If he goes on the cycler, he will most likely only need the exchanges at night - one after another, all regulated and monitored by the machine. Which will free up his days to do whatever he wants to do, or needs to do. And depending on the decision of the doctor with his shoulder ... and depending on the decision of anyone to actually work him because of the dialysis ... sigh.

I am beginning the process of going thru all the recipes and ideas, trying to put it all together in a way that I can access them from anywhere, at any time. Hopefully, it will help someone else too. We are finding out that although there is a lot written about the kidneys, about the diet and nutrition needed for healthy kidneys, and about dialysis -- there isn't a lot of organization to it. What is out there is either hard to decipher, or hard to find, or scattered about. Sigh. Lord, help me please!!! 

This house has gotten to me. Almost 7 months of being told to "take it easy" - don't lift, don't bend, don't vacuum, don't, don't, don't. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
I understand all the why's and wherefore's. I do. And I appreciate the care and concern of my doctor. 
But how hard to sit here and not be able to do what needs done, and no one else is helping. I'm sorry - I don't mean to whine or gripe and complain. I'm just VERY frustrated and discouraged. 
I can only take it so long ... and then, I spend some time cleaning - which my body screams back at me ... "NOT YET"!!! And I pay dearly for not behaving. Sigh. But for a moment in time, at least some things look better, smell better. Sigh. 

And the words of others about me "milking my surgery" doesn't do any good!!! Those that have said these words should know me better than that! I don't really care that she thinks - what aggravates me so much? That she is going to family and friends telling them this ... or telling them that SHE is taking care of us. Yeah right! Whatever! NOT!!! 
We have had to explain my surgery over and over and over again ... as well as the caution of the doctors to me - of all the bad things that could happen if I don't mind my ways until the body is healed. Sigh. 

I am also trying to work on our genealogy, and our pictures. Trying so hard to just focus on those things that I CAN do. Things that need done no matter where we are, or what we are doing. Sigh. 

Quilted Joshua a quilt - made it from bandana's. He is a cowboy and works on a ranch. It looked good, and he loved it. =) Made momma happy to be able to do this for him. 
Quilting us a quilt now. Will post pictures when I get it finished. 
Keeps my hands at least busy during the quiet and still hours. I also think about my momma ... she quilted as long as I can remember back. I helped her with it as much as school would let me. I miss her so much!!! She would like and approve of these hand quilted quilts ... and that makes me smile. 

There are days (like yesterday) that are such a struggle to get thru. Once that time of going to bed is upon us, it is such a relief - just to know that the day is done. And for a few blessed hours, all is still, all is quiet, and the aloneness just surrounds us, overwhelms us - but we really don't know it, because we sleep. 

God is good - all the time. We pray. We read the Word. We worship Him. 
Sadly tho, sometimes we just need to know a Jesus with skin on ... sigh. 

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