God is always good ... life isn't

Do you know what it feels like to be trying to stand or to walk on black ice? 
How your feet slide and slip, your body leans this way and then that? 
Your arms stretch out to find balance and stability? Your mind races - knowing that if you fall, you are going to hurt. 
The panic ... the anger ... the fear ... the worry ... the frustration ... all these raging emotions in a space of time?

Well, take that analogy and apply it emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually, financially ... and that's where you find me today. Where you find us. 

Add to it being alone ... and lonely - only increases every emotion substantially. 

It takes very little to cause the tears to spill down my face. 
And even tho Rick and I seem to be each other's "onlies" - we struggle with pushing or not pushing one another away today, in word, and in deed. 
Or in not talking, not doing. Sigh. 

I knew in the beginning of all this health junk, that there would be good days and times, as well as bad days and times. But I don't think I expected such a bad day this early on. Kwim? Sigh. 

Hard lessons to learn - 
breathe in, breathe out. 
Don't ask, don't tell. 
Shut up and pray. 
HARD lessons to learn. 

I am a talker ... a planner ... I like to figure things out, out loud. 
Even if I can't do something right now, I still like to think about doing it, plan for it, talk about it. 
It's better than just sitting here, doing nothing. 
Waiting for a better day. 

This is a lonesome day. 
A day that many are with family and friends ... a day when others are out shopping ... a day when football games are played ... leftovers are eaten. 
And for us? 
Just a long and lonesome day. 
A day when the "buzzards" are circling. 
The storms are brewing. 
A day when the tears fall so easily and so very often. 
When it is hard to see past this day. 
Hard to believe that there will ever be a better day. 

I want to be happy and rejoice ... but I am so sad and I cry. 

I miss my momma. 
Oh how I miss her. 
She wasn't perfect, but no matter what - she was there. I could always call her. 
No matter what, or when. 
I miss my momma. 
It has been 5 years since I saw her ... 5 years since I looked upon her face ... 5 years since I felt that absolute unconditional love of my momma. 
I miss my momma. 
Everyone else seems to think that since it has been 5 years, I should either be used to not having her, or be "over" not having her. 
I don't know, maybe I should ... but I don't know how. 
I just miss her SO MUCH. 
And especially right now. 
Sigh. 

I know that the holidays are about so much more than - 
Cleaning ... decorating ... 
Cooking ... leftovers ... cookies ... cakes and pies ... 
Shopping ... wrapping presents ... bows and ribbons ... 
Lists ... 
Christmas cards ... 

The holidays are to remind us that -
Jesus is the Reason for the season. 
Thanksgiving is to be thanks-living. 
Fellowship with family and friends is more important than the gifts given or received. 

 ....but you know? I miss all that "other" stuff this year. 
I try to reason out why we aren't doing that "other" stuff  - surgery recovery for Rick and for me, the beginning stages of dialysis for Rick, living on worker's comp - 
... but it's still hard to deal with. 
Sigh. 

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