Some days there is not a lot to write about. I breathe in and I breathe out. Perhaps there are some who care to know that. But honestly, I don't always want to write it.
There are those who ask me to write - because they say I have a "gift" with words. That my words speak the volumes within their own hearts. If so, then I am honored.
This walk of grief. Wow. I never thought when Rick was sick, and even when he would talk about dying, I never thought that so much would change.
But it did. It has. And it continues to.
Perhaps one day those changes will all work out to be a good thing. But for now - mostly they just hurt like HELL.
I have read many articles written by those who, like me, are walking this way. Grief. It helps to read the words of others. To hear of their stories, their struggles. There is something about knowing that I am not alone. And often they are a step or two ahead of me, and are giving me signs of what I am going to be going thru emotionally and mentally. It helps.
I am a member of a support group on Facebook that is just absolutely AWESOME. We are a community, a family, of grief walkers.
We cry together. We can tell when the grief is getting just too heavy - and invariably one of us will crack a joke just to make someone laugh. And the giggles ensue.
There are those who do not understand the giggles and tears. But we are finding out that it is just the way of grief. Never knowing when either will come, nor how long either will last.
But knowing, as much as we know our loves are gone forever, that the tears will follow the giggles, and the giggles will follow the tears.
Woke up this morning at 1 a.m., Thursday - 34 Thursdays since Rick died. The fear was upon me ... the panic was rising ... i took a deep breath. Reminded myself that the worst had already happened. He was gone. Forever. Not coming back. A few tears ...
And then, for the first time in 34 Thursdays, I listened to music. And i just allowed myself to actually FEEL the songs.
Thank you to the one who shared Adele with me. She is amazing. Her voice and her music is astounding.
I am so thankful - and that seems like such a small word - for you stirring the music within me once again.
I will always and forever love my husband. Ricky Lee McCoy. We gave each other 35 years. Good years. Some of those years were hard and lean. But all together they were good. If i knew then what i know now, I would have done it anyway. He was worth it, so worth every moment, every breath.
I want to live this life as his widow, honoring him. Confident in the love that he had for me - even in the worst of times, he loved me. I see that now.
Thank you to the one who helped me realize some things about my husband. There are times that you really can be so close to the forest that you can't see the trees.
I also know that life goes on for me. Where will it take me? I don't know. Who will go with me on this way? I don't know that either. What lies around the bend for me? I have no idea.
This is a journey ... and I promise to take it one day at time - nay, one breath at a time. I want to breathe deeply of the days and the nights - the highs and lows - the tears and the giggles.
So why "Scattered Feathers" ? ? ?
You can read it here