How has it been 6 weeks? ? ?

3/31/2021

I find it so hard to believe that about 6 weeks has passed since I last wrote.
How? I shake my head at the wonder of how quickly time passes when you are almost 60 years old.
I look back at the pictures I have of our children and our grandchildren, and what seems to my heart and mind to only have been a few days ago ... years upon years ago.
And when I look at the pictures of Rick, he still seems so alive and vibrant.
I treasure pictures, don't get me wrong - they are my touchstones!
But, at the same time, they are almost wicked in the games they seem to play with my heart and mind.

So, what has happened in these 6 weeks ... a little catching up time here.
Migraine headaches.
Gall bladder and colon attacks.
I feel confident in saying that all of this has been about 90% stress induced.
I am feeling better, most times these last few days.
There are still moments of pain and/or discomfort, hours where I can't find that sweet spot of comfort to rest and sleep.

Of course we had the big freeze here in Texas, where all 254 counties were under a winter storm warning - for the first time in history!
The power here at the apartment went off for 4 days.
I went over to my son and daughter in love's house, stayed with them thru the worst of it.
Came back to frozen kitchen pipes, a frozen shower, and a refrigerator of freshly bought (before the epic storm) groceries that were now ruined. With no money to replace them. Leaving me with cans of soup and a couple of packages of ramen to make do with.
It's been a LONG time since my refrigerator only had 2 eggs, a 1/2 bottle of ketchup and a few dill pickles in it! (And it has been this way for over a month now.)
I remember years ago when I was a kid, that Momma's frig got empty once, stayed that way for a couple of days. Momma did not handle it well, to say the least.
It's a good thing that 1. I am alone & 2. I needed to lose some weight anyway.
All of that being a lesson in learning to trust in the Lord.
To pray.
To read my Bible.
To do some wrestling with my mind and heart.

Spring has finally sprung here in Texas.
The birds sing loudly from morning till night.
The sun shines warm against these old bones.
The breeze still has a cool bite to it at times.
The wildflowers are beginning to pop open.
The trees are turning their spring green.
Easter is this Sunday.
What a wonderful, and almost magical, time of the year!

The only thing I do not like about Texas spring?
Tornadoes.
No matter how much I pray
No matter the reasonings I work out in my head
No matter what -
Once that word is spoken or written in the news and weather forecasts?
I'm done.
I'm over the thunderstorms and rain.
Rick knew how terrified I was.
I miss him.
He allowed me to be afraid. Without judgment or condemnation. Without trying to change me.
He would simply hold me. Pray over us. And wipe my tears away with his sweet soft kisses.
Yeah ... I miss him.

Our oldest grandson, our Marine, is now deployed.
This is our first. (Another vivid reminder that whoever said all the firsts as a widow happens in that first year, did NOT know what they were talking about!)
My heart has been in constant prayer over him, and about all this for his momma (my daughter) and his sister.
This world is crazy, and in an extremely volatile state of affairs - which doesn't do one thing for giving us comfort, just saying!
I pray Psalm 91 over him every morning. As well as over all of us. And I will continue to do so.
I know that Greater is He Who lives in him, is greater than he who lives in the world.
I know that God is the God of angel armies, and He is always right by his side.
I continue to pray that God will be Merciful and Gracious to us all, and that He will bring my grandson Marine home - safe, sound and healthy, when this deployment time is done.
I am already aching for his arms to embrace his Grannee!!!

Life here in the apartment is not what everyone said it would be.
Mostly, it is more like what I tried to explain to others what it would be like. (I'm not as ignorant as others have treated me.)
Alone.
Day and night.
Too far out, and no extra money for fuel, to go anywhere.
No one around to get out and see, talk to.
Even my stupid "smart phone" doesn't have good signal here for a phone conversation. The only way it really works is to make sure my left pinkie is pointed south and my right big toe is pointed north, and my butt doesn't move at all while on the phone. UGH UGH UGH
No jobs available, at least none that I am qualified for - for one reason or another, I have been told "no".
There are no jobs around PK Lake. The closest town is about 20 miles away. Which would be do-able, IF I had a job that would pay for the rent and fuel.
The rent here is expensive, as it is everywhere.
But when I live on a very small widow's benefit, and the rent is 1/2 of the amount I get per month?
It makes it seem even more expensive.
By the time I pay the other bills, there is maybe enough money left for one tank of fuel in my truck, and little to nothing for groceries.
Again, it has been a lesson time in trusting in the Lord with all my heart.
As well as the focusing on "this day".
Having the manna for "This day".

I've been going thru pictures, clothes, books, memory stuff, odds and ends.
Sorting out what I don't really want, even wondering why on earth did I keep this, lol.
And I have spent some time working on the computer - looking for cheaper housing, looking for a job.
Even applying to different programs.
All to no avail.
Being told time after time, "I'm sorry, we can't help you." "You make too much." "You don't make enough." "You are too old." "You aren't old enough."
Just as it has been since Rick died, "You are one of the unfortunate ones that fall thru the cracks of our society. I'm sorry."
Which is why I had stayed with kids, family and friends for 5 years after Rick died.
The money I do get helps when I am staying with someone, but not enough to live on.
I have looked into house-sharing. But still on the fence about that. Who can you trust these days? It's hard to know.
And I have looked for live in positions, whether elder care, or child care, or even a cook for a ranch.
I am exhausted from looking.
My heart is too weary.

I read something the other day, 7 words that have changed my outlook, my perspective.
“Prepare for what you are praying for”.
It took about 3 days for those 7 words to really take hold of my mind and heart.
But when they did! Wow!
*I have long prayed for Peace. Not the peace of the world, but God’s Peace that passes all understanding.
Prepare for what you are praying for:
- and now have begun to simply cry out to Jesus, calling His Name, every time an unwelcome, unpleasant, toxic thought comes at me.
- dreams have assailed me these last several weeks. Some are terrifying. Some are troubling. Some are disturbing. And some, well, they are simply confusing as all get out! But when I wake up from them, “Jesus help me”, as I breathe in and breathe out.
*I want to weigh less, and be in better shape.
Prepare for what you are praying for:
- changing the way I think and feel about myself NOW.
- digging deep into the reasons why I want to lose weight and be in better shape.
- changing the way and what I eat, and drink.
- no more clothes shall I buy until these are hanging off of me, and I have taken them to the sewing machine for the very last time
*My heart’s desire is to have an RV. I loved the RV lifestyle when Rick and I lived in ours for about 15 years. I really believe I would enjoy it now, too.
I have regretted greatly selling our last one. At the time, I thought it was the right, and only, thing to do. But now, regret almost overwhelms me.
Prepare for what you are praying for:
- going thru stuff and downsizing.
- organizing what remains.
- reminding myself of all those RV tricks to making a small space HOME.
*I do not want to just make it check to check. Always wondering if there will be enough money for rent and bills, and if there will be any left over for fuel or groceries.
Prepare for what you are praying for:
- trimming down the bills as much as I can
- curtailing the spending greatly
- changing even the way I buy groceries, when I can.
- looking for work, especially what I can do from home, so that it doesn’t add fuel costs at this time.
**These are just a few of the ways these 7 words have impacted my life.
I’m sure that as time goes forward, there will be more!

I have given myself to some intense prayer this week.
And in that, I have learned much.
I am still processing those answers, and the revelations I have received.
As soon as I can formulate words that make some kind of sense, I will be sharing.
Perhaps some of it will encourage and inspire you, as much as it has me.

Ok. That's not everything for the last 6 weeks, but it is a pretty good outline. LOL
And enough for right now ;)
I will be back ... and this time, sooner than 6 weeks!