Most of these last 5 years I have spent my life trying to shrink myself.
Trying to become smaller. Not only in physical size, but in my very presence.
Quieter. So that I don't talk too loud, or too much. So that I don't laugh too long, or cry too often.
Less sensitive. Which is hard when I am an empathetic.
Less opinionated. So that no one is offended by my convictions.
Less needy. So no one needs to feel obligated to be with me, to put their life on hold for me.
Because I didn't want to be a burden to anyone, at any time.
I didn't want to be too much to handle. Yet, hearing the whole "I can't deal with you when you are like this" comment more than once.
I have only wanted to be loved, cared for, and valued.
I have sacrificed myself all this time for the sake of making others comfortable & happy.
I realize now I should not change who I am in order to make someone else feel better about themselves, about their life, about their choices.
It's not my job to change me to become someone else's idea of a woman, a friend, a potential girlfriend, a worthwhile human being.
I am worthy.
Worthy to be loved.
Worthy to be valued.
Worthy to be cared for.
Not because anyone else thinks I am.
But because I live and breathe and have existence in this life.
My thoughts matter.
My ideas & hopes matter.
My fears & worries matter.
My voice matters.
With or without anyone's approval or permission!
I will be who I am.
I will speak my truth.
Even if it makes someone angry.
Even if it makes someone uncomfortable.
Or if they choose to leave.
I refuse to shrink ME any longer.
No longer will I allow others to make me feel guilty for not being stronger with the pain & grief that I carry daily. Our pain & grief is as individual as our life & love was before death changed it all.
This is my battle, my heart, my journey.
I choose to move at my own pace, whether anyone agrees or approves - or not!
I choose to take up space - in a worthy manner, full of grace & dignity.
I choose to honor my feelings & my thoughts.
I choose to give myself permission to have my needs met, and a few of my wants granted.
I choose to make ME a priority.
I simply choose ME.
There will be times I will choose silence. Because I am tired of fighting, tired of defending.
I am tired of explaining my feelings, only to have them stomped on time after time.
I am adapting to the changes in my life, and I don't want to complain - but it isn't an easy life, some days it takes all my energies just to breathe and survive.
I am on a healing journey. Trying to move forward with all the grace & dignity that I can.
So why "Scattered Feathers" ? ? ?
You can read it here