I fell stupid

A year ago I was in Kentucky
Begging for someone to remain in my life
Wanting to be loved, and accepted, just for who I was, just as I was
Supported and encouraged to grow and to be better, stronger
It was a mistake
The worst mistake of my life
When I went to Kentucky, I honestly thought I was doing what was best for everyone
- including me
Rick had died a year before
The kids and grandkids seemed to be doing good - at least a LOT better than I was! 
Their lives were moving forward
My life was in shambles and pieces
And I had no knowledge of how to pick all of it up and make something out of it
I was lost
Terribly lost 
Going to Kentucky was intended as a time of giving the kids and grandkids a break from my grief and tears, 
As well as a time of something new and different to me
A time of helping a friend who was in a difficult position as well
The intentions were for about 6 weeks
Life got in the way
And those 6 weeks turned into 3 1/2 years
Years without seeing my children or grandchildren
Years of losing one family member after another, and no way to get back to Texas for the funerals
Years of struggling to keep it all together 
So many times I almost called my children to come rescue me
But I was raised, and had raised our kids with Rick, that once “you make your bed, you lie in it”
You rescue yourself
3 years, 7 months and 18 days ... and I rescued myself
I cried torrents of tears from Paris KY to Lebanon TN
By the time I reached my confidant, I was exhausted and empty
An early supper 
And an early bedtime
A hot shower the next morning and that sweet drive to Texas
Renewed faith building with every mile closer to my beloved Texas
Crossing into Texas was the greatest blessing of those 3+ years
I knew that it would be difficult to come back 
And to try and pick up the pieces of a broken life
It has been all that I thought it would be
Laughter, and tears
Good times, and stressful moments
Hard conversations
And a LOT of hours for me to reflect, to think, to pray
To dig deep into my heart and mind
Looking back
Looking forward
And trying to keep myself breathing in the present
The greatest mistake of my life was in going to Kentucky
It will be a regret that I will carry to the grave with me
I am thankful for the people that I met along the way, one in particular 
Bill has been the one constant in my life these last years
Whether I was there in KY, or back here in TX - 
He has been my confidant, my friend
I will forever treasure that man! 
I find myself gravitating to movies, shows, and stories about people who made grave mistakes and have come back from those mistakes
I pray every day to take another step away from my mistakes
Reminding myself that God has forgiven me, and that I am not greater than Him - so I confess forgiveness to myself
Many years ago, God showed something to Rick and I about forgiveness.
It’s a lot like getting grungy with working, you know when you are sweaty, stinky, grimy and just plain dirty
You come in, strip off, and step into a shower 
Oh how good that water feels, and how sweet the soap and shampoo feels
You lather up and then just relax, letting the water wash it all away, take it down the drain
You don’t argue with the soap and water
You don’t fight against it
You don’t try and hold onto the grime because you aren’t worthy of being clean
Yet ... 
How many times do we do just that with God and His gracious forgiveness?
We hold onto our mistakes, our failures, our sin - 
Fighting against His grace and forgiveness 
Because we aren’t worthy to be clean.
Just let it go
Easier said than done I am finding out
The ghosts of those 3+ years haunt me ... no! Torment me! 
I think of all that I missed with my children and grandchildren
I think of all that I missed with my sister now gone
I think of not being here with family when other family died
I think of all the advice, wisdom, and counsel, I received telling me to not go, to not stay ... and how I dismissed all of those words
God, forgive me of my sin! 
God, forgive me of my grave mistakes! 
And help me to forgive myself
May others forgive me in time. 
I do not have all the answers to my life yet 
But I know God is working in me, and perhaps even thru me at times
Life is hard - 
And it’s more harder when you’re stupid
I was stupid
I pray to never fall stupid again.