I survived ... with God's Grace

I survived.
Christmas Eve alone.
Waking up Christmas morning alone and to a bare tree underneath.
New Year’s Eve alone.
Waking up New Year’s Day alone, with no one to say “Happy New Year” to, or back to me. 
Spent the rest of Christmas Day with my son and his family. 
- so thankful for that time with them. 
Spent the rest of New Year’s Day with my son and his family. 
- we laughed so much while playing dominoes that night! 
My daughter and her kids came down to my son’s house on the day after New Year’s Day. 
- oh the hugs for my Marine grandson that I had not seen in a year! 
- and the laughter that we enjoyed, and I will hold in treasure to my heart! 

I learned something thru this holiday season.
I can survive the alone times, the lonely times. 
And while I crave, and need, some alone time - the lonely times make me cry out with sorrow and grief to God. 
I also learned that God comforts in ways that we don’t always understand.
- sometimes it is thru a movie watched, or a book that is read
- sometimes it is thru a game of solitaire where the mind is not really occupied
- often thru a meme shared on Facebook
- or a particular Bible verse that comes to mind
- a song that is heard. Amazing Grace, My Chains are Gone - by Chris Tomlin - became the mantra for getting me thru those hardest moments of the holidays. 
- perhaps a perfectly timed message, just when the tears are falling the hardest and hottest. 
- maybe a phone call that is unexpected, but very much welcomed
- even a nap 
- listening to the birds singing in the trees
- or watching the snow falling
- catching the glint of the sun off the waters of PK Lake
- watching the wind blow in the trees
God comforts us in ways that we need.
Not always the ways we want. 
I want to FEEL Him here with me.
Not just to KNOW that He is here.
I want to FEEL His arms holding me.
I want to FEEL Him breathing on me.
I want to FEEL His heart beating as I lay my head on His chest that I can FEEL.
I want to FEEL Him. 
God is sometimes hard to feel because He wants us to know Him by Faith. 
I get frustrated with Him over it. lol 
- but He's stubborn! 
And I know He is right, it's just easier to feel than to have Faith. 
I keep trying to get Him to understand that if only I could FEEL Him, then I would have Faith to believe He was there. 
And I keep hearing His voice of patience, "Margaret Lee, you know it doesn't work that way." LOL
To which I answer, "Yeah, I know. But You are God and You can do anything - so You could make it work that way!"
And He says, "Don't start with me!" lol

I am also learning to listen more than I talk.
Which has proven to be a hard lesson for me
- because I have always loved to talk. Lol 
But there comes a time in life when it’s better to listen 
Learning to listen more and talk less with people has helped me to listen more and talk less with God.
And listening creates a learning space in the heart and mind. 
Spending a lot of time alone has helped
- maybe that is my “classroom” of learning. 
I listen to the music more these days. 
Not just the notes, but the lyrics.
I often listen to my play list in the phone .
Whenever I listen to the worship and praise songs, it makes me feel more like I am being held and sang to 
- like I used to hold my kids when they were little and I would sing to them until they went to sleep, or when they were just oofie. 
And that is a good feeling ... even if it is only in my heart and spirit. 

I’m going thru some stuff, working on downsizing my “collections”, lol 
Seems I have collected emails, and pictures, and memes
Books on the Kindle, hard copies of books
Files with documents, both on the computer and in boxes 
Along with coffee cups (holding on to those with the hope and prayer of perhaps one day having a coffee shop    😉
- it may never happen, but I truly hope it does. Only God can open doors that no one can close, and make the way where there is no way.) 
I have also collected clothes, without even meaning to
- some of them I went thru the other day and wondered why on earth I had held on to them! Way past time to let them go! 
So, going thru all these things and taking a hard thought look to see what I need, what I want, and what I am going to do with what I decide to keep. 

I have decided to make each of our kids and grandkids a quilt for Christmas 2021. 
I’m excited and looking forward to watching these quilts take shape 
And hoping they enjoy seeing them, as well as using them
I have told them not to expect perfection
- because the quilts are being made by hand, just the way my Momma made her quilts. 
But there will be LOTS of thoughts, memories and prayers going into each one.

I started with my own prayer quilt that was made and given to me when I had cancer. 
It has some wear on it - because I have used it just about every day for the last 8 years! 
So, I took an older blanket that was also showing wear, used it for the filler, and put a back on it. 
Pinned it all together and am now quilting it together. 
When I finish with this, I am going to put a border around it. 
It will make the prayer quilt just a little larger, and will increase the use of it to some degree, too. 
Makes me smile remembering what Rick used to say:
“ Honey, I’ve never seen anyone that can use something til it’s done its due, then reuse it, and use it one more time!” lol

So, that is how my 2020 ended, and 2021 has begun 
I think the greatest lesson I have learned has been - 
God is God over the storms, and I am His. 
That absolute knowing
And the Peace that blankets me because of the Truth - 
not such a bad way to end a year and start a new one ;) !!!