June 12, 2011

We moved back to Texas a little over 4 years ago. With all the words from "everyone" - we made the choice and decision to  leave Idaho, move back to Texas ... be part of this "family" once again ... help  care for Rick's parents ... be closer and spend more time with our kids and grandkids.
A lot of prayers, a lot of thoughts and ideas and plans ... 4
years  worth.

And now ...
We have been living in Rick's old homeplace.
The old house and place hold a lot of good memories from all the years, too. I hear the ghosts of times past - my kids running thru the house, leaving the back door open, jumping on the beds, hiding in the closets, locking themselves in the  bathroom... storms that we have weathered within these walls ... birthday parties... anniversary parties... Christmases. I see Granny McCoy standing at the kitchen counter with a pan of homemade biscuits just made and ready for the oven. Grandpa McCoy sitting on the couch in the living room with Jimmy and Rick and Joshua. So many sights and sounds ... memories.

But, these last 4 years have filled it with broken promises, unfulfilled plans and ideas, deferred hopes. (The Word says that "hope  deferred makes the heart sick". That's where I am today. HEART  SICK.)
And not just heart sick over this old house and place ... but heart sick over family and friend relationships that have not grown.
The old adage - "there are always 2 sides to any argument" ... well, that is true in any  relationship. There are 2 sides! And BOTH sides must work towards a relationship  in order to have one.
Yes, I  understand that everyone is busy ... everyone has their own lives. Never have I  asked nor expected for anyone to stop their lives for us. But to INCLUDE us. Allow us to be a part of that life.

We moved back into this house full time in October last year. Until then, we were having to be in and out of the area due to Rick's work.
The first 3 months after moving back - we spent working on this house and place ... spent hours visiting  others, calling others, trying to do the "reconnection" thing.
The next 3 months was spent trying to get Rick's new job (driving a milk transport truck) all lined out and understood.
These last 3 months have been spent just breathing in and breathing out. I'm tired. Weary. 
I cannot carry every relationship alone. If someone  wants to have a relationship with me - then they must carry part of it. I'm  exhausted. I'm sorry.

Rick's parents are doing good. They go where they want to go. They do what they want to do. And they resist "being taken care of". Sigh. I pray that they may always be in such good health!!!

Daughter is living her life. She has a job. She has  friends. Kids. We rarely see her. We only live about 15 minutes from one another  in miles - but the distance is greater.
Our relationship seems to be a phone conversation only on occasion now. 

Son is living his life. He has a job. A family. Friends. We live 3-4 hrs away. We have  seen them 3 or 4 times since October ... for about 2 hours each visit.
Our relationship is also a phone  conversation - usually daily, either to him or to his wife.

Rick's job does not allow for much time off the  road. And when he isn't driving, he is sleeping.
Sigh.

I spend a lot of time wondering who I am, what am I  supposed to be doing...
Rick and I agreed years ago that he would make the living and I would make the living  worthwhile. My "career" became being a wife, a mother, a homemaker.

Only now??? Still a wife. But he spends 75% (or more) of his time in the truck - driving, sitting at the plants waiting to be unloaded (or loaded). The other 25% of his time is spent sleeping, watching an occasional movie, eating, visiting with his parents, and an  occasional hour or so alone with me.

Still a mother - but not needed like I used to be.

A homemaker? I tried the first 3  months of this job ... but quickly began to wonder why? Rick is gone 12 - 36 hrs  at a time (has been gone up to 6 days at a time) ... and when he is here, he  sleeps. No one else comes to visit. I mean NO ONE. I cannot  remember the last time someone stepped into our home. Oh, wait - Rick's parents  came down a week or so ago because of a storm in the area. (They live in a  mobile home on the backside of this place.)
So, why should I bust my butt to scrub and keep this old house "spotless" - it is truly a waste of my time! Make  it livable ... presentable. I'm sorry.

Rick still doesn't want me to work outside the home. He would prefer that I stay "available" to go with him when I can, or when  he wants me to. That I be home on the few (and far between) days that he is off  work. And that's fine. I truly do not have a desire to go to work outside the  home - not now. I have some health "issues" that would make it difficult to get  and keep a job anyway. Sigh.
Do you know how near impossible it is to find a job that is a legit "work at home" job ... not a scam or a scheme? I feel exhausted from searching!!! In fact, I  have all but given up.
I spend most of my hours trying to figure out who I am, what is the purpose of my life.......................................................

There may not be one person who reads these words, let alone who even tries to understand. And that's ok. I just had to put these emotions, these thoughts, down.