Less of me, Hopefully.

Just some rambling thoughts of mine today. But determined thoughts. 
​I am a "big girl".
Yes, I have curves.
Yes, I have too much filling in those curves.
Yes, I have aches and pains, I was diagnosed with advanced osteoarthritis at 23 years old. Told that if I ever stopped moving, that it would take less than 6 months for me to be in a wheelchair. And that it would simply progress as I got older. At 58 I can attest to the truth of that statement on progression.
Yes, I love to cook, and I love to eat.
Yes, I enjoy walking, used to enjoy it more before my knees and feet became such a pain. Still enjoy it, but finding that it is more “work” than it has ever been. I focus on finding unique things to take a picture of, or to listen carefully to the sounds around me.
No, I am not going to go on a "radical" diet of any kind - If I cannot use it every day for the rest of my life? Not going to use it now. Which will frustrate the hell out of all the “diet” people! Lol
No, I am not going to be a runner. At my smallest & in the best shape of my life, I was not a runner - why would I start now? Again, knowing that this will frustrate the ones into fitness.
No, I am not going to take pills, nor have surgery, nor join a gym. Again, if it is not something that I can do every day for the rest of my life? Not doing to do it now. Not saying one thing against those who use these ways of losing weight, just knowing myself – and knowing that they are not for me.
At 58 years old, I have decided that this will be the last attempt to lose weight, and keep it off. No more yo-yo's. Been there, done it ... wore out the t-shirts to prove it. 
I have also decided that this will be for ME. Not to attract anyone. If someone, be it friend or more, cannot (or will not) love me as I am today, and for the heart that I have - - then, their loss, not mine. 
This will be for ME. My health, my sanity. 
Will it be easy? No. 
Will it be worth it? Yes. 
Starting weight ... that is for me to know, at this time. I am ashamed, humiliated, embarrassed. Yet, it spurs me to begin this. 
In the first 2 years after Rick died, I lost about 150 pounds. A wicked combination of grief, and simply not eating. No appetite. No desire to cook. Nothing. Somewhere around 8 months in to being a widow, I started walking. And it became like an obsession to me. 
Then, the 3rd year I slowed down on the walking, for one excuse or another. And I found myself eating more - either socially eating, eating out of boredom, or eating for comfort. 
This last year has been a difficult one for me on every level of my life. I have tried to make better choices on foods, often failing. Yet not eating as much, which is better. Even tried to get back to walking - but between the weather and me being sick, eh ... not so faithful on the walking part. 
Getting on the scales this morning I was not shocked, well, not entirely. I did think it would be more than the last time I weighed, but less than what it showed. I would like to blame it on the scales not being calibrated ... but that would just be another way of enabling the excuses. So, this time, I will own it. However, I am not ready to be public about the weight.
One day ... I will. 

I am committing to myself - - 
*Limiting sweet tea. Allowing myself one or two glasses per day, with a meal only. 
*Or a couple of small glasses lemonade. Knowing that if I drink too much, the heart burn will hurt.
*Take a deep breath and force myself to drink water. I did buy me a new & pretty water bottle the other day - and for the price I paid? Uh, I'm going to use it! 
*Beginning with 1000 steps a day, for the first 2 weeks, then when I attain (or pass) that for several days, I will up it to 2000. And continue in like manner. No, that isn't a lot. However, it will be a "step in the right direction". My daughter says, "Momma, for every step you take, it's better than sitting on the couch." 
*This will NOT be me denying myself anything. All things in moderation. But MODERATION is something I must get a hold of and not let go! 
*I will continue to have my coffee with either French Vanilla liquid creamer, or Sweet Cream liquid creamer. Yes, I know that many say I should do without the creamer ... but this is MY life and journey, and I will have my coffee! I will give up other things through-out the day ... but not my coffee! 
*It will be difficult not to get on the scales often, because I want to see progress. 
But I know that isn't fair to my body, nor to my mind. 
I will weigh once a month or so, at first especially. 
Until then? I will work on my moderation, on drinking water, and increasing my steps. 

I will say that food no longer has an attraction to me. 
After everything these 4 years, I no longer live to eat ... I eat to live. 
I enjoy a good food or drink.
That will be my focus.
To enjoy.
To savor. 
I know that I must live to maintain strength and energy for the days. 
I will work towards moderation & balance. 

I miss having a partner in all of this. 
Rick and I worked together so well ... Sigh. 
 
More often than not lately, I find myself with little to no appetite. 
Little to no thirst. 
Little to no interest or excitement. 
Little to no laughter or tears. 
Little to no nothing ... Just empty. 
I get up, fix my hair, sometimes make-up, get dressed, add a few pieces of jewelry …
Paste a smile on my face. 
Pretend that all is well ... when it's not. 
I post on Facebook. 
I write here. 
It all feels like just going thru the motions of the day. 
There is a small part of me that says I have a lot of fight left in me ...
a smaller part that looks & listens for that whisper of hope …
but mostly?
I just feel empty. 
I think that might be my "normal" for now. 
Empty. 

I fight the "oofies" & emptiness. 
Knowing that I have much to be thankful for - and I am. 
Knowing that I am loved - hard not to wish it were more evident. 
Really missing having a vehicle. I feel lost, stranded, frustrated, even angry - all over not having a vehicle. :(
Feeling like the future is more unsteady than if I were standing on a bowl of Jell-o. sigh. 
"Do what you must, until you can do what you want."
Working on that.

My heart (and body) is divided these days. 
Part of me feels absolutely empty and exhausted -
             physically (not sleeping well in so long),
            mentally & emotionally (dealing with the 4th year anniversary of Rick's death, and all that goes with  being a widow) …
and part of me feels determined & courageous.
Sigh. 
I refuse to allow the pettiness & selfish, immature, actions & attitudes of others to take away the peace and joy that is in my heart.
Life goes on ... and I choose to move forward with it.
Looking for the secret treasures of each day. 
 
It seems that most days I feel like I have taken more steps back than forward.
But I will not allow frustrations and discouragements to win this battle.
I stumble, and I fall.
I do not completely "fall off the wagon" … but I don’t have a solid seat in the bed of it either. 
More like hanging on to the side while going at a full gallop! 

Working on focusing more on the positive parts of me and life - even if I have to search (as for hidden treasure). 

There comes along ever so often, a day where you wonder why you even live, breathe, exist.
Sigh. 
I know life could be worse …
But dammit!
It could be better, too! 
It’s my job to make it better for ME. ​