Whether we want it to or not ... life goes on. And to be completely honest - there are times every day that i just want life to stop and the world to be still. My heart is broken, my life is changed. Enough!!! I just want to snuggle in my oversized chair with my T-shirt quilt and cry Rick's name ...
Rick - i love you and i miss you so much!!!
There are moments that i allow myself to do just that. But i will not allow myself to do it for all the time. That is not what God would have me do. It is not what Rick would have me do. So, i breathe in and i breathe out ... and i wipe the tears away, find some memory that makes me smile ... and i get up to go on ...
It's been almost a month since i last wrote here. So, i play catch up again ...
*I had a check up with my doctor in Sulphur Springs. Everything is basically "OK". He said that he believes that i have mild depression and moderate anxiety - both of which are completely normal for all that i have been thru this year, and still going thru.
He prescribed a better balance of *rest *sleep *relaxing *mild activity - like using the gazelle several times a week *eating if i am hungry *and Cymbalta if i need it.
Joshua and his brother in law (my other son), Alva, came down the 13th of August. Dessie had to work that Friday, so they brought the kids with them. We laughed and teased and joked. He pulled all the rest of Rick's stuff out of the storage building and loaded it onto the trailer to take home.
I had a meltdown Friday morning. I was fixing breakfast for everyone and just got overwhelmed. *My kids had not been together since Rick died. *Georgia, the dog, was right under my feet, making me afraid that I was going to fall again. *Georgia was not playing nice with Joshua and the kids all going in and out. I think she was just over-stimulated and didn't know how to deal with so much at one time. *Some of those in the family were not happy with me for having made the decision to go home with Joshua. Even tho i had been down there for a month already. *One of my granddaughters was not pleased with me at all for telling her to come fix a plate - because it was making her miss her movie.
I just melted. Shaking uncontrollably. Crying. Near a panic. Telling myself all the time that everything was ok - just breathe. But the anxiety and stress on my body was kicking big time
Joshua cam in the kitchen, heard and saw what was going on. He told everyone to leave. Everyone but Shell did. Joshua stood leaning on the sink - just like his daddy used to do - and he pulled me to him. He pressed my head onto his shoulder, and shushed me gently. Told em that everything was going to be "ok". I let him. I just stood there crying and I let my baby boy comfort me, his momma. I let him be to me what I had been to him so many times thru his growing up years.
Later that day Joshua and Alva took me to town. We shopped a little at Walmart, I laughed at the "boys". Then, they took me to eat at Long John Silvers. Just laughed and talked and had a good lunch together. I so needed that time!
On Saturday that week I cooked ... Made 2 cakes, cowboy enchiladas and a massive amount of tea! Family and friends came in to visit with Joshua. Many stayed a long time. It was a day of laughter and tears and so many stories! LOL
Saturday evening, BJ and Jacki came down, Aaron and his girls came up, and Jay came over. OH MY! The stories (mostly exaggerated) were told, laughed over, and probably not very much believed. LOL. We ate and we ate ... stuffed to the point of being miserable. So much fun! I love my kids so much! Every one of them!!!
Sunday morning we left Sulphur Springs going to Graham. Made good time, especially for pulling a trailer loaded with stuff!
Got to Joshua and Dessie's and unloaded the truck. Decided to leave the trailer for another day.
A trip into town for groceries for the coming week. Laughter ... so much laughter!
My first week of everyone being gone during the day was spent resting, relaxing, doing a little laundry, putting dishes into the dishwasher, helping with cooking supper.
I put my scrapbook together - just a small overall picture of Rick and me, our life together. I cried over some of the pictures, and smiled over them all. I am so thankful for the years and the time we had together.
Joshua came in August 25 and said - Momma, i have found you a car! He began describing it to me, and i asked if they wanted to go with me to look at it. Joshua and i drove around in it for a few blocks - i loved it!
A 1991 Dodge Shadow convertible. Rick had wanted a convertible for the last 15 years, and especially for the last year. We had planned to buy one this summer. Candy apple red. Rick's favorite motorcycle and car color. There was a CD in the visor - and when i took it out, i had to smile. A praise and worship CD with one of Rick's favorite songs on it. How perfect!
The average retail on this car is around $3500. But this one was a total God-thing. Joshua offered the guy $800 and he said YES!!!!! I paid him! My first car! Rick had bought every car i had ever had - since i was 18 years old. This was the first car i had ever bought alone. But i feel Rick so strongly in this car!!!!! I just know he is laughing with joy - blessing me in it!!!!
The car has not been abused, but has been neglected. When we got it home, Joshua checked it out. Found a few minor things that needed fixed -
- windshield wipers replaced
- horn fixed to blow
- brakelight bulb replaced
- stabilizer bar on the back replacedf
- a good cleaning inside and out
- snaps put back on the "boot" for the convertible
- new floor mats
- new rearview mirror
- new lock for the trunk
- Joshua put Lucas oil in just about everything - lol
- he and i decided to go with a new set of tires - just not sure how old the ones on it were
- a tune up needed
Insurance has been paid for 6 months. Inspection passed. Tax, title, and license. All legal to drive now!
Joshua and i were coming back from taking Shell's best friend home - and Joshua said, "Momma, Daddy would have gladly paid the $800 for it! No matter what it needed. He would never have questioned or argued about what to do. Daddy would have drove it with so much joy!"
I feel held by Rick when i ride in it, or drive it.
Thank you God for this little car. I wanted a car of my own to get around in, but You gave me so much more! You blessed me ... but You blessed me INDEED!!!!! Thank you!!!!! I LOVE YOU GOD!!!!!
So why "Scattered Feathers" ? ? ?
You can read it here