It's been a month since I have written. Been debating on whether to keep the website up and going ... or just to let it lie dormant ... or perhaps to close it all.
Writing to me is therapy. Always has been. I have been criticized for years now that I was sharing "too much", that I am "too honest". I wrote about this the last time I wrote, sigh. I have spent a large part of this last month just trying to figure out what is best.
I will write. I have no black heart that has the intention of offending someone. I cannot determine how someone will take what I read. I can -- and I will -- only be truthful and honest, good or bad or indifferent. If you want to read ... thank you. If there is anything offensive - please either close the window, or change "channels".
I have loved Rick since I was about 10 years old I will love him until I take my final breath. And if there is any way to love him after death - well, I shall love him then, too. Forever. Always.
I know that he is not coming back to me. No matter how much I long for him. No matter how many tears I cry. No matter how loudly I scream at the sky. No matter how many times I stomp my feet. He is not coming back.
I have a choice - as the world doesn't stop for my broken heart, as life moves forward - I have a choice. I can either sit down and squander the moments of my life in a pit of despair, or I can take a deep breath, wash my face, and follow the steps that are in front of me -- one at a time. one breath at a time. one moment at a time.
In order to honor my husband - I am choosing to follow life. This is not the life I dreamed of ... it is not the life I planned ... it is not the life I wanted. But it IS the life I have. This life. This moment. This heartbeat. This breath. I have this life - and I am choosing (much to the chagrin of others) to live, to move forward.
I have changed. Even more than what my life has changed - I have changed. I have been loved. I was blessed. I have loved. And I have lost it all. I have watched a vibrant and strong man, independent, wise, confident - have his body turn against him thru the stages of kidney disease, and seen him become a shell. I have spent hours sitting by his bedside. Had those days and nights that nothing worked right, I could not please him. Had moments that I saw a glimpse of the man that I married, that I loved, that had loved me. And I have survived that final breath he took - with my hand on his chest. Looking into his eyes, then seeing his eyes become empty of life.
And as of this moment as I write - I have survived 14 months, 19 days, and 9 hours without my Sweetheart, without his look, without his touch, without his voice of reason and calm in the midst of my storms. I have faced darkness, emptiness, loneliness - all of such a magnitude that words escape me in trying to describe to you what I have faced. There have been moments of victory - where I felt that I had scaled a mountain. And there have been moments of defeat and despair, with meltdowns to top all meltdowns.
Yes, I have changed.
There are a few that have stood with me thru all these changes - and stand with me now. Most of the "circle" that I have known in these years of life and marriage - well, they have their lives now. Their lives that do not include a widow - and I understand, I truly do. I cannot change to what they want or need me to be ... and I would not have them change to what I need.
I have just in the last week realized that there are people that come into your life and they are there for the long-haul, until either they take that final breath, or until I do. And then, there are many more that come into your life for a time and a season. To be there thru a set of circumstances and situations ... and then, to walk away. The hardest part for me is to let them go. But I know now that it is necessary. When the time comes for them to go - I must just let them go ... and let them go with grace and with dignity from me.
I have spent hours thru my days and nights in the last month trying to figure out what to do, where to go, and how-to anything/everything.
Finally coming to the realization/conclusion -- just enjoy the moment. One moment at a time. One breath at a time. One day at a time. Just do what is before me.
Yes, that is where most of those in my life are frustrated with me -- because I have no plan, I have little forward thinking.
I can't plan at this point. There are times that I can barely think! Times that just taking this step, drawing this breath - well, that is just all I can manage. Am I right, or wrong? I don't know. I didn't get the manual on how to be a widow. This is something I am learning as I go. So, mistakes will be made. I have determined that after a mistake, I will rise, wash my face, and go forward.
I wonder (probably more than I should) if the blessing of having been loved, of having loved, is all that I shall know. Or if there will be another blessing - different, but still a blessing. Will I ever love again, be loved again? Will there be arms to hold me in the darkness? Will there be someone to walk with in the loneliness? Will there be one who can help me find the direction for my life? If so, the change that is in me will come to fruition, I know that now. I will appreciate him, and I will take for granted so little.
Great love means a great loss ... Great loss means a great appreciation.
And if life does not allow that blessing - well, I shall still live the life I am given. Still with gratitude and thanksgiving.
So why "Scattered Feathers" ? ? ?
You can read it here