Looking for me in all of this ...

I seem to go in cycles of talking and quiet. There are times that I can't seem to listen enough - love the sound of other's voices, and to hear their perspectives on life, to know the passion of laughter in them ... or to talk enough, when the spoken words, and the written words come so easy and so full - not just about grief and loss, but about life and laughter.
And then, there are those times, like now, that I can't seem to find the words to say or to write - nothing seems to say it all, I can't find the words that say what really is in my heart and mind.
I am tired of explaining and defending the quiet times to those around me. It's just the way this is working for me.
I am not crying more than "normal", if anything I am crying less during the quiet times.
I am not angry with anyone, just a quiet time.
The quiet times are times of great introspection ... looking deep into the past that I had with Rick, looking into me now - who am I, what do I want, what do I like, and looking for that hope and future that I am told is there.
This is all so new and different for me ... Finding ME ... learning Margaret.

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**Had a couple of weeks with my sweet daughter and grandkids. :) ... We laughed and we teased ... we had some good conversations.
She took Momma out for karaoke a couple of times - I adore her voice! She sang to Momma :) ... love that girl!!!
**Met my cousin and his precious wife for lunch one day. It was good food - but what was the best was the time with him. He has been my best friend for so long. Nothing is off limits to talk about with him. And we did talk that day. Spent 4 hours sitting at the table, just talking. I needed his perspective, I needed his listening ear. And I certainly needed his hugs. I treasure his words of encouragement and strength - that he thinks I am doing very well, for all that I have been thru. --I am trying. I know that I have made some mistakes, but I hope that those mistakes will be the points of learning for me.
**Met a friend from high school for lunch another day. It was sweet to sit there and talk with her. The food was good that day, too - :) ... the best part of the restaurant that day was the waiter - he was cool. Just a friendly waiter, attentive, and caring. Not hovering, not impatient. I really appreciate those that are like that.

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Not everyone understands the level of grief that I am dealing with. I truly wish that no one did. Ever.
Everyone has a level of grief in their life - we have all lost something, or someone.
I have lost so many people in my life - daddy, momma, sister, brother, uncles, aunts, nieces, nephews, cousins, friends ... and the list goes on. At last count, and I stopped counting years ago - in the space of about 20 years I have had to say that final good bye to 150 people.
But, I maintain this one truth - not one has been on the level that losing my husband has been.
Losing Rick has meant that I have lost my heart, my mind, my direction and my purpose, the dreams and plans for the rest of my life - with Rick. Rick and I were so entwined in our life, in our hearts, in our very souls. When he died, so did all that I was then. Wife, best friend, lover, caregiver, nurse, business partner, help-meet.
And now? I have to let go of those that do not want to walk with me on this journey of learning me - and I do let go, with no offense, no bitterness. I come with a ton of baggage. Just the grief walk is more than enough! But that is just a part of my baggage in this life. And I really do realize that others have their own lives, their own grief struggles, and all that makes up their world. 
.... as well as letting go of all that I was with Rick.

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I am learning. 
Learning that I can get up and get dressed, with no one to wake me, with no one to tell me that I look cute, or sexy, or "fine".
Learning that I can get in my car and go somewhere without telling someone where I am going, or when I will be back.
Learning that I can spend a few dollars here and there without answering to someone as to what I bought, or why.
Learning that I can eat when I want, what I want. Or not eat at all.
Learning that I can go to sleep - eventually - alone, with or without the tears.
Am I making mistakes? Yes. I'm sure I am making huge mistakes, especially if you listen to those watching me live this life. I hope that the mistakes I make will just be points of learning ... not dreadful, haunting for years, type of mistakes.
I have said for these 10 months that although I am not the only one grieving for Rick, and not the only one grieving ... this that I am living is my grief, my journey, my life. And if I screw it up - then it is on me. I am not asking any one to answer for the mistakes that I do make.

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Some days (like today) I wish that I could just go away somewhere - alone. Really alone. Just "Drift Away". Not forever, but long enough to deal with all this ... long enough to live this part of the grief ... long enough to get some things figured out ...
But the world does not stop for my broken heart ... and I cannot escape the day to day living of this grief.
Hopefully those that are offended or hurt by me will know one day that there is no intended hurt or offense.
I am breathing in and breathing out ... One moment at a time ... Sometimes in the noise of life and laughter ... and sometimes in the quiet.
I hope you never truly understand.

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