Mid-October

God is so good. He is awesome and wonderful. My soul cannot be downcast within me - He has been so good and so merciful to me. He is worthy of all worship and honor and glory and praise. I love Him so much!!!!!

Life is hard. Everyone has their own private struggles and valleys to walk thru. I cannot say that my valley is darker or longer or harder to walk thru. I cannot say that I have it better than someone else. Rick and I have been thru struggles and trials that tested us beyond what we ever thought we could have endured. And this valley - being Rick's widow - this valley, I have no more words to describe it. I never thought that the old song about having to walk the lonesome valley alone was so true. But it is. There are those who walk along side of you in that valley ... but no one can walk it for you.

I am just realizing more and more that the God of angel armies is always by my side. Without Him, I could not breathe.

When Rick died, and I became his widow - I did not know just how lonesome this valley would be. I had no idea what all I lost in that last breath that Rick took. He was my lover, he was my husband. He was my friend - my very best friend. He was the one who held me when I was hurting or sick. He was the one who scratched my back, and rubbed my feet. He was the one who looked at my owies, and opened his arms when the oofies came.
We did everything together. We cooked and we cleaned together. We ate and watched TV together. We didn't have "his" shows and "my" shows. We had OUR shows. We enjoyed the same kind of movies - from westerns to chick flicks. When we read a book, we read the same book - so that we could discuss it. We went just about everywhere together - Walmart, garage sales, junk stores, auto parts stores, out to eat ... and the list goes on.
It was OUR life - TOGETHER. And now?
I have lost half my laundry ...
I don't know how to cook and not cook for him ...
How do I buy groceries? What do I like, alone?
Yes, this is a lonesome valley.

I thank God for my children and grandchildren. Were it not for them - I think I would just lose it completely. But they make me smile, and giggle. They listen to me talk, and wipe a few tears away - or cry with me. They have gotten me out of the house ... and given me a reason to get up and get dressed every day.
Angel ... Joshua ... Dessie ... Elijah ... Brooklyn ... Shell ... Kyla - thank you. I love you. I hope you will always know that I love you, that you are the breath that I breathe.

I thank God for all those that call me "momma" or "grannee" - they are the ones who call me, text me, show up and surprise me. They are the ones who tease me and just love me - like I am. Even on the messy days- when the tears come so easy.

I have been told many times in the last couple of weeks to "smile" to "not be so serious". Told by well meaning family and friends. Told by even those who understand the pain and deep sorrow of grief. I am not offended by their words.
But ...
I do smile. It's just that the light is not there in the smiles. Rick took that light 176 days ago when he left. I know that he is in a better place - he had been thru so much, and endured, the last 3 years, and especially this year. But even in knowing that he is in that better place - I know he also has the light of my smile with him. Will I ever have it again? I won't ever have that light again. There may come a light back into my smile - when the darkness lifts. But ...
My heart, my mind, my life - IS serious right now. Learning to live without my Sweetheart. Learning to make decisions. Learning to make choices. Learning to breathe - all without the Love of my heart. Life is short - I know that all too well. I do not worry, I am not afraid. But there is a somberness, a seriousness, a heaviness - not one that I hold on to, it is just here.
I do not fight against the grief and sorrow. I will experience it. I will survive it. God will see to that. I am determined to live this life the best I can - so that God is highly honored and well pleased with me. I am determined to live this life so that when I get home, Rick will open his arms, take me to himself, and say - "you done good, girl".

I love you Rick. I miss you like crazy.
God, be with me.