My safe place ... here.

I will always love Rick. I will never love him less.
He was not a perfect man. However, he was perfect enough for me.

​Life goes on.
​I promised him that I would laugh again, live my life, and if this world gave me the chance - I would take it and love again. Not that I was looking then, or now. But I did promise him. He had no idea how hard that promise would be to live out. I had no idea that I would ever have to live it - alone, without him. I honestly thought I was promising him these things as a form of comfort to him, for his mind and heart to have peace in the midst of pain and discomfort. But promise I did ... and live it I will.

Grief remains.
Always.
Because love remains.
​Forever.
​There will never be a moment in my life that I do not grieve for him, for the life we planned and dreamed and committed to one another.
​I have learned (a hard and painful lesson) that grief is in the simplest terms - love with no where to go.

​Realizations bite hard.
Once the sting eases, clarity and peace comes.

I am no longer the same person I was. April 23, 2015 @ 6:50 a.m. changed me. For better ... or for worse. Whether others understand or not. I am different now. 
I no longer think the same ... feel the same ... act or react the same. Hell, I don't even look the same. 

The tears are coming less often, yet when they come they still burn hot on my cheeks, still take the very breath from my body. I do everything I can to keep those tears to the night time hours, when no one has to see me, or hear me.
Yes, there are soft tears now, too - a sweet and precious memory that comes, and leaks from my heart.

There are also bitter tears coming - tears of anger and frustration. 
*Rick should have taken better care of his body when he had the chance, when it would have made a difference. 
*He should have provided for me in the event of his death - a home, a car, a life insurance policy. 
*When he died, I not only lost him - the other half of my heart and life - I lost our home, my car, and 99% of my possessions. Yes, I am angry as hell. Yes, I am working hard to tame that anger, to take it and find a good outlet for it. 

Life is not fair - if it were, a place like St. Jude's would not exist. 
However, there is a right and a wrong about life. Even when it isn't fair.