Coffee Love
  • Coffee Love
  • My Profile
    • I Believe
    • Stories from the Mists
    • Stay the Course
    • Respect, Honor, Gratitude
    • Favorite Links
  • Scattered Feathers
    • When You Need the Music
    • Coffee Love Images
    • Take it to the Roots
    • Love Notes
  • My Recipe Book
    • Appetizers
    • Bread
    • Casseroles
    • Crockpot Love
    • Meats
    • Veggies
    • Desserts - oh my!
  • Junk Drawer
    • Worth Sharing
    • Helpful Hints
  • Contact Me

No pretty or cute pictures ...

8/13/2016

0 Comments

 
Where I am in my thoughts and emotions this day is not a "happy place" - but you know, life is not much a "happy place" any more.
​I hate this pendulum ride of life ... seems that with every good day, or time of great joy, I must "pay" the price - with the pendulum taking me so far from that good and joy. Sigh. Guess that is this widow's walk ... I keep hoping that there will come a time when the pendulum doesn't swing so far, so wicked, so wild.

I wonder if it is "normal" to have these times of reflective grief?
A picture they say is worth a thousand words ... but sometimes, a picture can bring up a thousand memories, a thousand questions. Sigh.

Why did I live and yet so many have not?
Someone who was so loved, who had purpose and direction ... someone who had (and still has) such an effect on those around them ... someone who loved with a passion, and was loved with a passion that remains.
Why did they die?
Why do I live?

I am not feeling sorry for myself.
​I am trying to figure out my purpose - now, without Rick. It was easy to know my purpose all those years. I was his wife. He told me early on in our marriage that I would be the one who made living worthwhile. I tried. Every day, every night, every moment - I tried. But now? Sigh.
​I am trying to find the direction for my life - without Rick. With him? I knew the direction was as simple as just being with him, no matter where he went, no matter what he was doing -- just be with him, by his side.

I keep hearing these comments --
​"You have to learn to love yourself before you can love anyone else."
​"You need to know what life alone is like, it will make you a stronger woman."
​"You should just live this life, enjoy your freedoms."
I just sit here and think ... reflect ... wonder ... grieve.
​Perhaps on some level these comments are right -- but for me now?
​--So, if I do not fully love myself, I am not worthy of being loved by anyone else? Did Rick die because I did not love myself enough? Do you not realize how hard it is to just face each day, to go to bed alone at night? Please, add to me the stress and guilt of me not loving myself enough. I look at me in the mirror - and I see an old and broken woman, a woman without purpose or direction, a woman who is empty and lonely ... what is there to love? And if I cannot love ME - then who in their right mind ever will?
​*I am trying to love ME - because no one else seems to. At least I am trying, perhaps not for the best reason, but I am trying.
​--Just how strong must I be? I was strong enough to deal with all that Rick went thru those last 3 years, and especially the last year. I was strong enough to stand there, with my hand on his chest, when he took his last breath. I was strong enough to breathe. I am strong enough to continue with this life. I do not do alone well - even Rick knew that. I do not believe with one heartbeat that it takes being alone to prove to me or to anyone else that I am a strong woman. If you don't know me well enough to know that - then, you don't know me.
​--Freedoms? Let me tell you one last time what freedom is to me ... Freedom is having someone that loves me without regard to what my hair looks like, whether I have make up or not, no matter the clothes I am wearing. Freedom is knowing that someone has my back - even when I make a wrong choice. Freedom is knowing that when I am scared, there are arms to encircle me, holding me close. Freedom is having someone to help me make the decisions for my life. Freedom is just being ME - and being accepted, loved, cherished, cared for. So, when Rick died I was not set free -- Freedom was TAKEN FROM ME!

​I shall post this, shut the computer down, and walk on into this day. One step. One moment. One breath. At a time.
​I know that I am not "doing this grief" the way anyone thinks I should. I have been questioned, argued with, judged, criticized.
​I have asked the question - do I just lay it all down, do what everyone thinks I should ... so that they can be happy? "Take care of you" they say ... and then, when I try ... sigh.
​Is there a right way to "do grief"? Is there really a wrong way? Or do we just do the best we can with where we are, with what we have, with what we understand? And if I screw this up - well, it's on me.
​I know that I am not an island. I do not live unto myself. Every choice and every decision has a direct and an indirect effect on someone else. But at what length do I go to make everyone happy? At the expense of my own imperfect happiness?

​I found myself so angry with Rick this week - for dying. If only he were alive I would not be having to live this nightmare in Hell. But, he died ... and I live.
​Now to focus on breathing ... whether it makes anyone happy or not. Sigh.
0 Comments

Your comment will be posted after it is approved.


Leave a Reply.

    So why "Scattered Feathers" ? ? ? 

    You can read it here

    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture

    Past Posts

    January 2023
    April 2022
    March 2022
    February 2022
    January 2022
    December 2021
    November 2021
    August 2021
    July 2021
    June 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021
    March 2021
    February 2021
    January 2021
    December 2020
    November 2020
    October 2020
    August 2020
    June 2020
    May 2020
    April 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    October 2017
    August 2017
    June 2017
    January 2017
    November 2016
    October 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013
    February 2013
    January 2013
    December 2012
    November 2012
    October 2012
    September 2012
    August 2012
    July 2012
    June 2012
    May 2012
    April 2012
    March 2012
    February 2012
    January 2012
    August 2011
    July 2011
    June 2011
    April 2011
    March 2011
    February 2011
    October 2010

    RSS Feed

    Picture
Website designed & developed by Margaret McCoy

​
God is God over the storms in my life & world -
and I am His.
Trusting in Him. Holding to His Promises as He holds me.

​
Learning to laugh, to love, & to live ... again - without Rick, but with God

Life goes on ... even when we don't want it to.

Great grief is indicative of a great Love.

Rick, my Sweetheart.
Margaret, his Beloved.
Always & Forever.
​
Picture
©Margaret McCoy, the Queen of Kamelot Coffee 
  • Coffee Love
  • My Profile
    • I Believe
    • Stories from the Mists
    • Stay the Course
    • Respect, Honor, Gratitude
    • Favorite Links
  • Scattered Feathers
    • When You Need the Music
    • Coffee Love Images
    • Take it to the Roots
    • Love Notes
  • My Recipe Book
    • Appetizers
    • Bread
    • Casseroles
    • Crockpot Love
    • Meats
    • Veggies
    • Desserts - oh my!
  • Junk Drawer
    • Worth Sharing
    • Helpful Hints
  • Contact Me