No pretty pictures ... just a mess ...

I've read a thousand plus words on grief -
the pictures on Facebook, articles, books ...
I've heard a million words from people -
those who know this grief walk,
and those who have no idea what it is all about ...
And the ONE thing that is the same ...
Grief is MESSY.
it isn't easy, nor quick, nor simple.
it is hard, difficult, messy, too damn complicated.
confusing.
and it hurts like a HELL that I have never known before.
and if you have never lost a husband or a wife, be ever so thankful -
but also be forewarned ...
you probably will be offended at some point in this blog.

Grief has many levels.
And in this journey of life, everyone experiences grief.
Death brings grief - be it death of a parent, a child, a family member, a friend ...
or be it death of job, a home, a dream, a hope.
No one gets thru this life without death and grief.
I have experienced almost all levels of grief ...
and to take nothing from you, to not say that your grief is less than mine -
but I will say it again, in all the death and grief that I have known there is NO death like the death of my husband ... and there is NO grief like the grief of being a widow.
NOTHING compares.
And especially when you have lived such a life in being married that you are completely entwined with that person.
It was not Rick & Margaret.
It was US.
WE.
OUR home, OUR job, OUR family, OUR friends, OUR days off, OUR.
When you become ONE in life, death rips you apart in ways that defy all logic and all explanation.

After 3 years of being Rick's caregiver, and all the talks we had about life and death - and what I would do when he died - I think I was "prepared" for him to die ...
but yet, are you EVER "prepared"?
What I wasn't "prepared" for was for the ME that I had known for so long to die with him. 
Wife.
Best friend.
Nurse.
Caregiver.
Lover.
Dreamer.
Nor was I "prepared" for all the relationships that I had known with him all those years to change.
-am I just a painful reminder that Rick is now gone?

And now, I find myself with broken pieces of my life ... shattered shards of ME ...
and not knowing the first damn thing about putting it all together.
I also find a guilt that I never expected -
my heart hurts that anyone else has to go thru this,
but at the same time ...
thankful that I am not alone.
There are those who know this grief walk, who get it -
those that I don't have to defend myself, or explain to them.
They just GET IT.
And I find an anger in me -
that Rick left me.
That I have to deal with all this alone.
That this is so damn complicated!
I don't want to be a widow any more!

There is a difference in me.
I will never be the "same" again.
I honestly don't think there is anything the same as before.
Everything has changed.
And if you don't think so - then be thankful that you don't get it!
And I realize that there are those that just cannot accept that difference. Not sure why - except I am thankful that they do not know, that they don't get it, that they truly don't understand - but it's ok.
They don't have to. 
I don't need their acceptance to live this life I have been given.
But be sure of this - I cannot do this widow's life your way.
I have to do it the way that works for me ...
and sometimes that changes every 5 minutes of my days and nights.
The differences are at times so far from my comfort zone that it scares me - and at the same time, thrills me.
The fear I feel is not the kind that pushes me in a corner with panic,
but it is driving me forward -
to face the challenges,
to prove to myself that I CAN live this life,
I CAN do this!

Little things have always meant so much to me.
But even more so now.
I don't care about stuff - I want memories.
I want to go and to do and to see.
I want the sights and sounds and smells of life.
to sit on the banks of a river - watching the flow of the river, grasping for peace within my heart and soul.
to take a country road drive - music playing at times loudly, at times softly.
to have a picnic under a shade tree - cheese and crackers with a glass of wine.
a cup of coffee while watching the sun rise thru the trees, listening to the birds singing.
a glass of sweet tea, sitting on the tailgate of a pickup truck under the moonlight.
to dance in the rain - barefoot and in the mud, laughing like a kid again.
to catch fireflies in a mason jar - watch them sparkle for a while, and let them go.
take a walk in knee high grass.
pick wildflowers off the side of the road. 
just a simple country girl. liking to be barefoot and wear my pearls.
not really caring what others think about me.
but not wanting any dishonor or disrespect to be given to my husband, nor to those who do get this life of grief.

I love my husband, and I miss him like crazy.
There are those who are now saying that the grief is a "pretend game" that I am playing. WTF?
I give you the ignorance card - you just don't know.
Be thankful!
My husband is gone.
He is not coming back.
Ever.
Nothing I do - or don't do - will bring him back.
If I thought for one heartbeat that me going to bed and staying there would bring him back -
you wouldn't find me anywhere but laying there.
But he is gone.
That's the hardest part in all of this - just the knowing that he is gone. Forever.
He is NOT coming back.
I have a choice - and I choose to live this life the best way I know how ... grieving ...
living ...
giggles and tears.