November 03rd, 2012

((Written a couple of days before this week ...))

Been a few days since I have written here. 
It's hard to look past the sameness of these recovery days. 
The only time consideration we really have right now is to make sure we keep the days straight for doctor's appointments, and watch the clock enough to be there on time. 
Well, and making sure of when the next round of pain pills are due. 
Days and nights seem to run together and overlap one another. I think my days and nights are becoming mixed up - and I know it will take a while to get it all back settled right. 

I have been really struggling with loneliness lately. 
Realizing that we all deal with loneliness at some point or another. But that loneliness means something different to everyone. Because what is loneliness to one is a blessed relief to someone else.. What is unbearable loneliness to me might be your quiet time, your "me" time. 
And realizing, too, that everyone has different needs for touch and conversation and the presence of another living body. 
Been trying to seek God in the lonely times. I know He is always with me. Sometimes I wish I could see Him - with skin on. Or hear His voice with my human ears. Feel His arms about me. God is Spirit - but I want skin. Sigh. So, I am trying to be content just with Him being Spirit. Sometimes not so hard to be content - other times I throw my little temper tantrums for more. Sigh. 
Thanking God that He loves me, that He understands me, that He forgives me. Even in the lonely times of my life. 

I am better than I was a month ago. Thank you God. 
But, still limited on what I can or cannot do. 
If this had been a "simple" hysterectomy, I would have already been back on my feet with few restrictions left. 
However, this was not only a cancer hysterectomy, but the surgery left a 12 inch incision up and down on my belly. My bladder was removed, and reattached, there was a section of my small intestine cut away and put back together, and now a gaping empty space where all my "junk" was before. Literally hundreds of stitches inside of me. So, although the incision on my belly may be mostly healed, the inside of me is not. I have many restrictions, and will only have them lifted one or two at a time until February or March, and some later than that. 

Others are having a hard time understanding this. And I am trying to accept that. Cause (1) this is not their body, so others opinions, words and actions really have no bearing on what I can or cannot do (2) they just do not get it. 
I am not "milking" the surgery and recovery time. 
Not being "lazy". 
Not being stubborn - except I want to be healed! And my best chance of being healed is to follow the doctor's directions and instructions! 
But, oh my - how insistent some people can be about what I can or cannot do right now. Sigh. They haven't talked to my doctor. They haven't had the surgery. They haven't even read the literature sent home with me from MD Anderson. But they certainly have strong opinions on what I should be doing right now!!! 

So, I find myself in a constant struggle and battle to just be still ... to do what is good and right for my body in this time. Regardless of what others may think or say or do. 
Those that I appreciate the most are the ones who have been thru a similar surgery. Or even those who haven't but who are willing to at least try and understand what I am going thru, what I am facing, in all of this. 

Since I am beginning to feel better, and feel more like staying up - I am going to start work on all these pictures! OMW!!! An accumulation of 32+ years of photos to go thru, organize, and do something with! LOL That should keep me busy for a day or two anyway! LOL 

Also, I have done some genealogy, but I am going to do some more. This time adding pictures and stories and some history. I won't be able to go and do a lot of research at first, but as I get better and better, I will. 

Still working on the website - www.kamelotrose.com ... trying to keep it up to date, and interesting. 

A few other projects that I can do without bending, lifting, or sitting too long in one position. 

We have decided to make most of the Christmas presents this year. We usually only buy for the kids and grandkids, and usually Rick's parents anyway. But this year? Well, worker's comp doesn't provide enough left over after bills and food and fuel and doctors co-pays. Sigh. 
We have talked about it ... worked on some ideas and thoughts. 
Also talked to the kids about it - and they are in agreement and understanding. Just hope the grandkids will understand, too. 
As we make these, I will post pictures. And if you have any ideas, please, PLEASE share! J 

Well, time to go make some coffee ... and get into the Word for a little while. 
Then, gotta balance the checkbook, pay bills, make a grocery list (hope that someone will go to the store for me today). 
Afterwards, I may take a nap!!! 

God bless you and yours! May He enlarge your territories. Keep His hand on you. Keep you from evil and from temptation - that you won't cause pain or harm. Yes, God BLESS you! 

Love always ... 

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