October 03rd, 2017

Ever since Rick died, I have tried to simply continue sharing the ups & downs of life. Not because I really believed anyone cared all that much, but in honor to him. Because he asked me to keep on writing and sharing. His words have been ringing in my ears - "If we can help just one person, then everything that we have been thru, and are going thru, then, it will be worth it."
It seems the more I share, the more "trouble" I find myself in.
I laugh too much.
I cry too much.
I am too sad.
I am too not-sad.
As a result, I have pulled away. I have come back. I have tried to "tone it down", to not share so much.
Rick always said, "You can please some of the people all the time, all the people some of the time, but never will you please all the people all the time". (Not that I am trying to please people with my writings. But it does get a bit old having so many come against me no matter what I write / share.)

So, Rick, just to honor you today - - and if I lose family or friends over this? Then, as you told me many years ago ... what have I lost?
​
The world doesn't stop for my broken heart. Life goes forward. It is my choice to do what I can to go forward with it.
Grief will always be within my heart and soul. An oyster does not get rid of the grain of sand, rather, he adds layer upon layer when the sand begins to hurt him or annoy him. Creating a precious pearl. However, if you cut that pearl open? The grain of sand remains. I am learning what works best to use as the layers around the grief. Every day, every night, there is a new layer ... a new challenge to find a layer.

Contrary to what has been said to me in the last few days:
(1) I am not hiding from life
Even on the days that I wish I could just hide away, I get up, get dressed, and come to the office. Life goes on. So do I. Always with a broken heart. Forever grieving. Yet, I go on.  
(2) I have not run away from home
Silly me, I thought you had to actually have a home before you could run away from it!
(3) I certainly have not forgotten my children and grandchildren
That is just absurd to even think that! How could I ever? For those who think this, you might want to check my phone records, the text messages and the chats, before you continue spouting off what you obviously do NOT know.
& (4) I have not forgotten family and friends, either.
You want to know something amazing?
The phone lines work both ways.
As do the texts and chat messages.
Contact and communication is NOT a one way street.
​Use it ... or lose me.

Everyone is free to think what you will, and free to say what you deem necessary so that you can appease your own guilt. Some of you have guilt. You could have spent time with Rick those last 3 years, and you chose not to for whatever excuse you want to lay it off on. I realize that seeing me without him is a vivid reminder that he is no longer with us, and a painful pill that you must swallow. 

I love you. Always have. Always will. 

I just hope and pray that you never "get" this journey.