Ever have one of "those weeks" when this picture is a PERFECT description of your emotions and mental state?
Well, I did ... this past week.
2 weeks into the cancer diagnosis - and I feel no closer to anything... sigh.
I have no insurance on me - we just have not been able to afford it. This has been a very hard 4 years for us. We have gotten behind financially, used everything we had in reserve. And then, we have caught up, even gotten started back on a reserve. Something else happens and we are back to being behind with no reserve. Just has been a vicious merry-go-round these last 4 years. Sigh.
Anyway - because I have no insurance, and because I do not qualify for Medi-caid (Rick makes too much, even with the worker's comp - which btw, they can "say" it is 70% of his salary ... but my checkbook is not agreeing with them! I'm sorry - but any calculator shows that it is a bit less than 50%!!! Sigh) ... I am at the mercy of "other" programs and financial aid.
Now, I realize that there has to be stringent screening processes. And they need to know EVERYTHING - but goodness! I didn't realize what that EVERYTHING consisted of!!!
The application alone for M.D. Anderson is 7 pages long - to be filled out, faxed back. But with it there is documentation required for just about every section, every line of that application. I told Rick it will be a BOOK by the time I finish it today!!!
Once it is faxed to them, and they review it - they can either grant me 0%, 50% or 100% financial aid. We are hoping and praying for the 100%!
This is when it begins to test our faith ... and we are trusting in the Lord -- even tho we are scared to death!!!
We also saw Dr. Cutrell this week about Rick's shoulder and the results of the MRI - "complete tear in the rotator cuff". Most likely requiring surgery to fix. Surgery and then physical therapy. He is still in a lot of pain - but trying not to keep it immobile. Not needing it to become a "frozen shoulder" on top of this.
We do not live in a "money world" - we are living in world of "faith" ... and sometimes, we grow weak and weary. Sometimes in all of this, we want the MONEY to know that bills are paid, groceries are bought, fuel is in the vehicles, needs are met, even a few wants are granted. Not just for today. Not just for this week. Not even just for this month. But for a long time from this heartbeat!
Faith is hard. Oh, it feels good when our faith becomes sight - and we know that God has blessed beyond all that we could think of, more than we could ever ask for. But then, that "feels good" seems short lived ... because life is taking us to another challenge of faith.
"Faith to faith" ... faith becomes sight. Another struggle, another trial - makes us exercise faith again. That faith becomes sight. Another struggle, another trial - makes us exercise faith again.
And as humans - there is that thought that at some point faith will not become sight. And then what??? Sigh.
It is also hard and emotionally draining when you see and hear your kids - although they are grown - having hard times. You want so much to just "fix" all their owies, kiss and hug away their "oofies". But all you can do is pray. And pray you do. Pray that the windows of heaven will be opened and some of that gold dust off the streets of Glory will fall down upon your children and their families.
And because of all this stress on us, within us ... Rick and I have not had a more "perfect" union this week!!! We have had a few "words" pass between us.
But, we have also held one another and cried those tears of fear and worry, and cried out to God for His mercy and His grace.
I know that no matter what - God is still God.
And nothing changes my salvation.
So, we praise Him in the storms ... and cry out to Jesus!
So why "Scattered Feathers" ? ? ?
You can read it here