Random thoughts on a random day ...

In the interest of being honest and real, and with that warning so that those that don't want to hear that - stop reading now ... we have been having a few rough days. Sigh. 

Yes, God is good - all the time ... and all the time - God is good. But this life sucks way too much of the time!!! Sigh. 

Long term illness and recovery - some days are just a nightmare that I wait to wake up from!!! 
Begin the day with prayer and reading the Word of God. Begin the day with hope and with promise. And before noon - the day has been shot and is taking it's last breath of life! The rest of the day is spent in a fog of disappointment and grief and heartache. 
Ever have one of those days? Well, we have had way too many lately!!! 

Days fog into the nights ... and nights blur into the days ... very little difference in any of them. 
Loneliness overwhelms us. Even tho Rick and I are spending all this time in the same house - doesn't mean that we are TOGETHER. 
On rare occasions we are "together" spiritually - with both of us on basically on the same spiritual wave-length, trusting the Lord, Praising Him no matter what. On rare occasions we are "together" emotionally - with both of us full of hope and promise. And then, sadly, we seem to be "together" more than not - when we are both struggling spiritually to stay focused on God, trusting Him and praising Him in the midst of all the storms that rage. "Together" when we are both discouraged, frustrated, irritated, and fighting depression. (And reality is - those "together" times are NOT good. sigh.) 

---

Some will say, "get out, go somewhere, do something" ... and I understand - of those that say, most have never lived this life. 
This is more than just recovery from surgery ... 
More than dealing with kidney failure and dialysis ... 
More than dealing with cancer ... 
It is more than dealing with mounting bills and needs and dwindling funds ... 
More than not having others to visit or to call ... 
This is all of these and more ... 
We are struggling to figure all this out. We have never been here before. Realizing that others have walked a similar path - but we don't know them. And realizing that others walk a harder path than we do now - but we aren't living their lives either. It gets hard. It IS hard. 

With pain so intense that just sitting or laying hurts, let alone getting dressed, going out the door, getting into the car, driving or riding anywhere, getting out, walking around ... and then back again. Exhausted beyond description when we get back to the house - look at one another and ask, "Why did we just do that? Did we have fun? Do we feel better?" And the exhaustion and pain overwhelms us to the point that we can't remember why ... or fun ... and we certainly don't feel better - at least not at the moment. Sigh. 

With money so short that we cannot afford any extra fuel. Having just enough money for fuel to get us to the doctors on appointment days ... and to town on occasion to pick up a handful of items, or run an errand or two. And since we live out in the country, walking everywhere is not an option, and neither is taking public transportation. 

With groceries costing so much now, and with a diet for Rick that is high in protein (more than 4 times what the normal person should eat) - we struggle to keep groceries in the frig and on the table. And by the time we go buy what we can, bring it home and put it away - we have no energy to cook, let alone to eat. 
I can remember a time when I actually enjoyed going to the grocery store. But that is so far in the past that it is blurred trying to think that far back. Sigh. 

---

But in all of this - God is still God ... and He is still good. No other statement is as true as this picture - "God may change your directions, but never His promises". We know this. 
We see God's hand so often. 
Sometimes it is just a good cup of coffee - one that tastes just right, is just the right temp, and when you take that last drink - you sigh. 
Sometimes it is an unexpected phone call, text, or email - someone that has a kind word, or a smile for us. 
Sometimes it is an unexpected visitor - they were in the area, just passing by, and thought they would stop and say "hi". 
And sometimes it is with a gift from Heaven - a check in the mail ... a sack of groceries brought to the table ... a meal fixed and brought to us ... 
Sometimes it is the words leaping off the page in our devotional, or from the pages of our Bibles. 
A song that goes straight to the heart. 
Something that makes us laugh out loud. 
A hug. 
Yes, we are seeing God everywhere. But somedays it seems that He is behind the veil, or we are seeing Him thru a broken window - all distorted. 

---

There comes a time that a line is drawn ... and you just know that you cannot go on the way you are. 
That time is now. That day is this. 
We will not be able to make great leaps and bounds - but we will be making progress from here ... step by step ... little by little ... God, help us!!! 

What will we do? How will we do it? We don't have all the answers - but we are certainly praying to the One who does. 

The Bible says that our enemy comes to kill, steal, and destroy. We realized yesterday that that is exactly what he has done in us. He has stolen joy of life, laughter, love, passion, determination, hope. He has nearly destroyed our home, our marriage, our relationships with others. He has tried to kill us - physically, emotionally, mentally. 
Why? Because we are that important to him? No. Because we were created to worship and praise the Father. And the only way the enemy can get to the Father is thru us. 
Well - no more! Enough is ENOUGH!!! 

We are no longer victims of a "sucky" life. We are SURVIVORS - glory to God the Father!!! We are SURVIVORS!!!  
Even if the healing doesn't come - God is still God, and He is still worthy of our praise and worship. 

---

I don't know what God's plans and ways are for us, with us. But He does. And trusting in Him - I call on Jesus. Help me take each step!!! Please. 

If you are reading this - please, commit to pray for us. That God will open doors and make the way for us to LIVE life once again. Not just drift thru all this fog of pain and discouragement. 

We are looking for ways to be more involved in the LIFE. With everything considered - we aren't saying 'no' to anything .... but we are having to take a hard look at it all thru the eyes of reality. But at the same time, with the eyes and heart of faith. 
Please pray for us. 

Love you all -- Have a blessed COFFEE day! =) 

---