Regrets . . .

​I think there comes a time in everyone’s life when we must face our past, deal with the regrets, and move forward.
We all have regrets.
Some of them are haunting.
Some can actually terrorize us to the point of panic and despair.
In my struggle to face a past that I deeply regret, and striving to move forward into a hopefully better future, I am finding being honest is the best way - - but also very hard.
Also finding that 2nd guessing myself seems to be the way of life right now.
Is that right?
Is that wrong?
Or is that just normal while going thru this self-introspection?
Some regrets are so small that it’s mostly like a mosquito buzzing around on a warm summer’s evening.
Some, well, it’s more like a raging river that threatens to take everything in its path along for the wild ride!
 
My time spent in Kentucky – that’s the wild river ride of regrets for me.
I was so new in my grief as a widow.
Had only been a widow of a few months when the decision was made to travel from Texas to Kentucky.
For the express purpose of helping a friend with his granddaughter, after the death of his wife.

I had no idea just how much missing my kids and grandkids, would affect me – and even more so as I watched him interact with his own kids and granddaughter.

I had no idea how lost I would feel, how overwhelming alone I would be, in a place where I did not know the area, or the people.
Rick and I had moved and traveled for almost 35 years.
It never dawned on me, until I was in Kentucky, that this was not the same!
Being there without him was almost more than my heart and mind could bear!

I did not realize how heavy the burden would weigh on my mind, my heart, my emotions, to be entrusted to care for someone else’s grandchild.
To walk with them thru a time of great health change.
When I had been accused of not caring for my husband good enough to save his life, it was heavy indeed to have someone so young placed in my care to help them adjust to health changes.

To not be in Texas when my sister was diagnosed with cancer, to be here to walk with her, talk with her, and just simple BE here – my heart was broken all over again.

And with every memory of being in Kentucky, the list of regrets grew, and continues to grow in spurts even now.
If there is one good memory of being in Kentucky, there are at least 4 bad memories attached to that one good memory.

I did not realize how deeply it would affect, and hurt, my children and my grandchildren for me to go, and to be there longer than what was intended.
I went with the idea of being there 2-6 weeks only.
I was there for about 3 ½ years!
Vehicle issues, money problems, and more all combined to make me feel stuck.
Well, not so much “stuck” as to clearly hear the words that Rick had said so often thru the years – “when you make your bed, you must lie in it. At least until you can get yourself out of it!”

Then came the time when others decided I was a problem there, and that I needed to leave.
Which turned out to be the greatest Godsend of my life!
God knew that I needed that kick in the butt 😉 and while it hurt, I am over the moon thankful for it!

I have been back in Texas since November 2019.
Is it silly I wonder to be counting the days to that mark + 1 day, when I will have been in Texas longer than I was there?
Like that will be some magical day?
Where the bad memories flood away?

I wonder if forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road of life?
The Bible tells me that God can take all things, work them together and make something good out of it.
I really want to believe those words.
I really want to pin my hope on that promise.
And if He can, if He will?
Ok then.

I know that the broken road of my life has brought me to where I am today.
Sitting here at this computer.
With a lot of thoughts, contemplations, ideas, wonderings, and prayers.

Not a day goes by that I don’t pray for our children and our grandchildren to forgive me for making them to feel even for one heartbeat that not only did they lose their daddy and p-paw that day, but just a few months later, they lost me.
And while I pray for their forgiveness, I pray also that they will NEVER understand.
Because in order to understand, they would have to walk in my steps – and Lord only knows how much I don’t want that to happen!!!

Another regret that I must face and spar with – working for a company where I was a caregiver in a resident home.
While I loved my clients, the hours that I was required to work not only exhausted me, taking a heavy toll on my physical and mental well-being, they took me away from my children and my grandchildren YET AGAIN.
Only this time, I was within 4 hours of my daughter, granddaughter, and at times my grandson.
And I was within 30 minutes of my son, my daughter in love, my grandson, and my granddaughter.
It’s not that I did not see them thru those months.
But it was not the relaxed, enjoyable times that my heart ached for.
Working an average of 108 hours a week for almost a year?
Yeah, just a little bit exhausted even when I was off work!
Another Godsend in my life was when the job ended!

I have not worked now since April 2022.
These months I have spent resting.
Praying.
Working on an older RV.
Enjoying a few books and more movies.
Taking some walks.
Reconnecting with my God, and with my self.
Enjoying the stillness and quietness.
Even being fearful of the Texas storms that have rolled through here with a consistency that I resent! LOL

I am now looking forward to finding a real LIFE for me.
Alone.
Being a widow sucks.
Just saying.
It isn’t the life I had envisioned all those years ago.
It isn’t even the life I had envisioned it to be almost 8 years ago when Rick died.
But it is, what it is.

And as Louis La’mour said in one of his books (I don’t remember which one), when he was talking about living in the desert:
Either you fight the desert and die, or you learn to live with it – and live.
Those 16 words are more applicable to a life as a widow than I want them to be!

It’s time for me to stop fighting against the desert.
It’s time to start learning to live with it.
It’s time to let these regrets go on down on the rolling river today.
Let them go.

And if they come back as ghosts in the mists of memories, to rattle their chains at me?
They have no power, no hold, no control, over my life.

Lord, help me do this life better from this point forward.
Please. 
I owe that to Rick, to the kids and grandkids. 
And I owe it to myself, too. 
Most of all, Lord, I owe YOU a better living of this life You have given to me. 
Father, forgive me
​God, help me please.