Life has changed on me so many times since I was born in 1961.
I grew up under daddy and momma - long story in that, to be told another time.
When I was 10 I fell in love with a boy, and decided I wanted to be his wife, and the momma to his kids.
9 years later, he agreed to that.
We were married just shy of 35 years.
Not a perfect life, but perfect enough for me.
I was loved with a passion, and cherished every day.
The only comparison was the passion that I loved him with, and the deepness of my cherishing him.
We absolutely spoiled each other rotten!
And of course, as we lived and loved, our lives changed often.
From having kids, to moving, to job changes and church changes.
Family and friends were born, and they died
Or perhaps just moved on and away from us
But always we had the unique ability to hold to one another in those changes,
and rather than the stresses of change driving a wedge between us,
those stresses only served to draw us closer to each other.
Then, our bodies decided to turn against us
High blood pressure and diabetes for Rick
Cancer for me
Then kidney disease with Rick
Every thing that came against us, we met head on, together
We adapted to the different diets and routines
We took the medications and did the whole doctor "thang"
My life was spared
Rick's was not
Many questions remain in my heart over all that, and believe me, one of these days?
- I am going to ask for an answer!
But until that time comes, I find myself in the midst of a life alone
Not sure of where I am supposed to be
Nor what I am supposed to be doing
Every day seems to bring more questions, and fewer answers
I love words, always have
Not just to read them, nor to write them
But to dig deep into the meaning of them
I was reading about grief a while back, and the life after loss
2 Words were used in describing what life is like now
"Repurposed" and "Reimagined"
So, I dug
And this is what I found:
- adapt for a different purpose
- to have a new purpose
- typically done with items considered to be junk, garbage, or obsolete
- the use of a tool being re-channeled into being another tool
Then carrying the digging just a little deeper:
- aim, idea, dream
- goal, aspire, design
- the reason for which something exists
- to rethink
- to reinterpret
- to recreate
- to imagine again
- to form a new concept of
- to think again and change
- to remake an earlier version which approaches from a fresh or new viewpoint
And to take it that one step deeper -
- to believe
- to conceive
- to comprehend thru the intellect something not perceived thru the senses
And the last one:
- this is Latin for "again and again and again"
When considering life after loss and reading these dug definitions for these words -
All I could say was "WOW! WOW! WOW!"
The life I lived before Rick is never coming back to me
and I cannot go to it again, either.
Nor is the life that I lived with Rick coming back
and even when it is my time to go to him?
It will not be the same as it was.
So, what I am faced with is a repurposed and reimagined life
Changes the perception of my reality
I've made so many mistakes these 5 years since Rick has been gone
Easy to do when there has been no manual for navigating these waters
It's hard sometimes to look back on these 5 years and see so clearly now what I should have done,
and what I should not have done
But I'm learning to forgive myself every day
- how can I not?
- I am not greater than God, and He has forgiven me.
I hope to make less mistakes as I go thru the rest of this life
I think that's why I find myself praying so much these days
God knows what's ahead of me, He's already been there
So, Lord, take my hand and lead me on!
I'm choosing to look at this as an adventure now -
- one that will end with Rick opening his arms to me, taking me to himself and saying those words I long to hear:
"You done good, girl!"
So why "Scattered Feathers" ? ? ?
You can read it here