Coffee Love
  • Coffee Love
  • My Profile
    • I Believe
    • Stories from the Mists
    • Stay the Course
    • Respect, Honor, Gratitude
    • Favorite Links
  • Scattered Feathers
    • When You Need the Music
    • Coffee Love Images
    • Take it to the Roots
    • Love Notes
  • My Recipe Book
    • Appetizers
    • Bread
    • Casseroles
    • Crockpot Love
    • Meats
    • Veggies
    • Desserts - oh my!
  • Junk Drawer
    • Worth Sharing
    • Helpful Hints
  • Contact Me

Resolutions

12/25/2019

0 Comments

 
I've made a new resolve. I refuse to call it a resolution because those are soon laid aside. I'm putting positivity at the forefront of my life. Refusing to let people steal my joy. Retraining myself to respond differently to negativity if you will. You can too. Try it. Put the pen down. Don't give in to the urge to say it all again in a post or a blog or in conversation. It drags you right back into a dark place. Life is precious and it is short.

This was a message to me yesterday, from a trusted friend. While I can appreciate the thoughts, and even concur to some degree with what is said here, I must admit that it was the poor timing of the message that sent me spiraling on Christmas Eve into a pit of muck and mire - for the day, the evening, the night ... and has lingered still this morning. 
I think one GREAT mistake that we (widows & widowers) make is to assume that because someone else is walking this same path, they really "get" where we are, and that we can lean on them in a moment of weakness & extreme loneliness. Sadly, that is not true. A lesson that I am being taught over and over and over again this past year. Hopefully, this latest lesson has made me cross that line into accepting and passing - so that I might move forward ... to another lesson. 

Since returning to Texas I have been told multiple times "You just are not the same as before Rick died. It is so unfair that "she" has gone away, or basically died, so we have had to lose both you & Rick. You need to grow up, get over it all, and be that same Margaret that you were then." 
Time after time I have had to sit quietly, listen to the words spoken in anger & frustration, maintain my composure, and say quietly & softly - "You are right. That me is gone. She will never return. Because the me that I was with Rick? I was that me because of Rick, with Rick, supported and loved by Rick. Rick was more than just my husband. He was a part of me. The best part of me. He's gone ... and so is that Margaret." 
Then invariably I have excused myself, found a bathroom, and let the tears flow. Let the sobs wrack my body, and the migraine begin all over again. Wash my face. Dry my eyes. Take a deep breath. Re-enter and pretend that nothing has happened, no words have cut my heart asunder yet again. Waiting until I could find the time to write my thoughts out. 

I made the grave mistake yesterday morning, after being told this again, of reaching out as one drowning in raging waters, to a trusted friend, one who is on this journey of grief as well. 
A word of understanding and comfort with : "Chalk it up to "they know not what they say", because they don't. To which I replied, "Thank you for caring and for reminding me." 
Then, I receive the above message. 
Writing is therapy to me. It has been such for as long as I can remember. I wrote when I was but a child. I have thought long thru my life that writing the words was much better than saying the words, or allowing the emotions to manifest themselves in an attitude or action. Which is why the underlined parts of the above message were like daggers to the heart, the mind, the very soul, when I read them yesterday. 

I have been sternly spoken to about my writings these last 3 years, by this same one, time after time.  (To which I have responded by writing another blog post!) 
What is so ironic to me about the words spoken by this one against my writings? Anytime, no EVERY time I write a post on social media, or share a darker meme (a life or grief meme), I get messages, texts & comments telling me how much my words, my sharing, has blessed them - even helped them to face putting their own grief and struggles into words. I have even pointed this out, only to be told - "Do whatever you want, you will anyway! But I don't like what you are writing & posting! If you insist on continuing, then I will simply unfollow you and refuse to read anything else that you write." 

Why has this bothered me? 
I searched my heart deep into the night, and again in the wee hours of the morning.
My answer? My heart answer?
Because I have respected this one, honored this one, trusted this one. With my heart, my very life. 
And these words are slowly and surely cutting the friendship asunder. 
Never once have I asked anyone to read my social media posts, and the only ones I have asked to read these blog posts are the ones who have requested that I let them know with each new blog. 
However, one that professes to love me as a friend, who tells me of undying support and encouragement, who has asked me to make them my "go-to" one for the gut punch moments of grief  - - If it were me making these declarations of love, devotion & friendship? I would read anything and everything written by them in the hope of understanding their own path of grief, love, loss & life.

And then it dawned on me about 1:48 a.m. on Christmas 2019 morning ... this one is not ME. 
As well as, I don't need the negativity in my life. Nor do I need the strangling hold on my emotions.
Emotions come and emotions go - good, bad and indifferent. 
Emotions change - - because LIFE CHANGES. 
I learned a long time ago not to depend on my emotions. But to allow them for the sake of healing and learning and strength - for myself, and for lessons of life that others can learn from as well. 

I spent quite some time going back thru my social media posts yesterday, wondering just what negativity and/or darkness has offended this one, or could have offended anyone? 
95% or more of my posts these last few months have been the feel-good or funny or tender hearted sharings. A few news stories scattered through. Puns galore. Pretty pictures, interesting facts. And yes, a few that are the cold & hard truths of this life as a widow.
Now, to be honest? No one - NO ONE - knows all that I struggle with, that I have had laid upon my back & my heart these last 10 years. NO ONE. If you have read my postings on social media or have read my blogs - then you have an INKLING ONLY of the enormity of this grief & daily life that I have been handed. 
I think that is the most frustrating part of all this, of reading the message received yesterday. Just knowing HOW MUCH I HAVE NOT SHARED. Knowing what a battle it is with every smile, every laugh, every pun, every pretty picture, every positive post - - to keep the darkness & negativity of this life out of it all. Knowing that even with those trusted few that I have shared so much, and so deeply with, that even then only the surface has been touched. The depth has not been disturbed in any way to be shared. Those burdens are still carried by me ... ALONE. 


So saying all this ... to say this - -
My final resolve is:
*To continue on this quest to find and/or create Margaret. This "new" Margaret, who was Rick's wife for almost 35 years, who has now been his widow for 4 years 8 months, and who has yet to find a manual on how to do all this ... alone.
*To continue with my writings. As therapy for my own heart & life. As a way that others can relate to, or use my words to explain where they are at on their own journey. 
*To no longer give time or attention to words from others about me NOT writing or NOT sharing. I struggle over every word I write, over every post I share. Nothing is done spur of the moment - not when it comes to my writings. 
*To no longer share on a personal level unless specifically asked ... and I have absolute confidence and trust in that person. No longer will I blindly share - Rick warned me about "casting my pearls before the swine". So I will heed HIS words and guard my heart even closer. 
*To continue to add to this Resolution List as time goes on. It's mine! As is this life. 

To the naysayers in my life: 
If you don't like something I write or share? 
SCROLL THE HELL ON BY! 
​
Picture
0 Comments

Your comment will be posted after it is approved.


Leave a Reply.

    So why "Scattered Feathers" ? ? ? 

    You can read it here

    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture

    Past Posts

    January 2023
    April 2022
    March 2022
    February 2022
    January 2022
    December 2021
    November 2021
    August 2021
    July 2021
    June 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021
    March 2021
    February 2021
    January 2021
    December 2020
    November 2020
    October 2020
    August 2020
    June 2020
    May 2020
    April 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    October 2017
    August 2017
    June 2017
    January 2017
    November 2016
    October 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013
    February 2013
    January 2013
    December 2012
    November 2012
    October 2012
    September 2012
    August 2012
    July 2012
    June 2012
    May 2012
    April 2012
    March 2012
    February 2012
    January 2012
    August 2011
    July 2011
    June 2011
    April 2011
    March 2011
    February 2011
    October 2010

    RSS Feed

    Picture
Website designed & developed by Margaret McCoy

​
God is God over the storms in my life & world -
and I am His.
Trusting in Him. Holding to His Promises as He holds me.

​
Learning to laugh, to love, & to live ... again - without Rick, but with God

Life goes on ... even when we don't want it to.

Great grief is indicative of a great Love.

Rick, my Sweetheart.
Margaret, his Beloved.
Always & Forever.
​
Picture
©Margaret McCoy, the Queen of Kamelot Coffee 
  • Coffee Love
  • My Profile
    • I Believe
    • Stories from the Mists
    • Stay the Course
    • Respect, Honor, Gratitude
    • Favorite Links
  • Scattered Feathers
    • When You Need the Music
    • Coffee Love Images
    • Take it to the Roots
    • Love Notes
  • My Recipe Book
    • Appetizers
    • Bread
    • Casseroles
    • Crockpot Love
    • Meats
    • Veggies
    • Desserts - oh my!
  • Junk Drawer
    • Worth Sharing
    • Helpful Hints
  • Contact Me