Rick ... I love you!
For the family and friends who read this blog - I am not trying to panic you, nor make more of what is going on ... just trying to be real - which is what we agreed on years ago when I started this blog. Real. Good or bad. Real.
Rick is not doing very good. He has said many times that he is dying. He does not have a good attitude, nor a good perspective on life.
Is he in the "dying process"? I don't want to be stupid and miss something ... nor do I want to be a fearful, panicked wife. So, I do like I have always done - I research. I read. I study. I pray.
And according to the medical websites, and the hospice website -- there is an actual "dying process" that a person begins to go thru about 4-6 months before they die. And we are talking "dying process" when someone has a chronic condition, or a terminal illness.
I read all these articles and reports - praying constantly. And honestly? I don't see these things in Rick. Oh maybe one or two - but again, according to the reports, there is a greater number supposed to be there for the "dying process" to be happening.
Rick's labs are great. The doctor and the nurses are very impressed. And his dialysis daily numbers have been awesome. His color is good. He still pees. He still is able to eat and to drink (when he is not too stubborn to do it, sigh).
So, I sat here, praying, thinking. Asking God for wisdom. And in the stillness and quietness - I hear one word ... DEPRESSION.
So, back to the medical sites. Research depression.
What do I find? Of every 10 symptoms of depression - Rick has at least 7. Sigh.
I find a legitimate medical test on depression - and since he was asleep, I took it for him. I answered the questions according to what he has told me, and according to what I have seen in him the last few months.
Hit the "submit" button to get results.
On a scale of 0 - 100, with 0 being no depression at all, and 100 being so depressed call 911 ... he was scored at 45-60. Moderate depression. Not requiring medication. Perhaps counseling. Certainly needing to take charge of his life.
Pray for him please.
--I know that in dealing with dialysis there is a risk of depression. And in dealing daily with the limitations and challenges of a shoulder injury, as well as neuropathy, there is the struggle against depression as well.
--He feels lost in this life. He has always been the worker of the family. Holding down at least one job at all times. We never even took a real vacation. Our vacations consisted of a day here and there, or maybe 2 or 3 days off in a row. And now? He can't drive a truck. I told him the other day to consider one thing - he didn't always drive a truck. He was an excellent salesman! There has to be something that he can still do to find worth as a "man".
--It is easier to focus on all that is wrong, or just not right, than it is to see past the pain and hurt (emotional and mental as well as physical) and praise the Lord, giving thanks in all things. He says he knows he is a blessed man. And that if he dies today - he can't complain, because he is so blessed. But still ... he thinks a lot of what he can no longer do, where he cannot go.
--This down hill spiral really started back in August when finances just did not allow for us to take the 3 week trip he had wanted to do so badly to Oregon. He had dreamed of being able to go salmon fishing with his best friend, Craig. But we just did not have the money to travel up there. We had the 2002 Dodge pickup ... but it was in the shop, and it was not going to sell in time for us to go. And ever since then ... nothing has been really right. He keeps talking about "life as he knows it" is over. Sigh.
--he has a past that he needs to reconcile with. Things he needs to ask forgiveness for. And even more things that he needs to give forgiveness to.
--He has always said that the true path to life and to joy is thru service. He needs to feel that he is of worth in some kind of service - more than just sitting here at the house all the time.
Pray for me, please.
I pray a lot. I cry a lot.
I have tried to encourage him - telling him how much I love him, how much I want him, how much I need him. Telling him what a strong man he is. Telling him how proud I am of him - always have been.
I have read the Word to him - showing him in God's Word that God loves him, that God has accepted him, that God still has a plan for his life.
I have reasoned with him, and yes, argued with him. He is a stubborn man. And sometimes the only way to get thru to him is to fight him - make him mad enough to rise up and say "ENOUGH".
I have even tried really hard to just shut up and pray. Breathe in and breathe out. Take one day at a time, even one hour at a time.
NOTHING works. Oh maybe for a moment here and there. But nothing really gets thru to him.
He won't show this to anyone else. So, I feel very alone at this point in our life.
I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what to feel, what to think, what to say, or what to do. Nothing is right ... even when I do nothing. Sigh.
I love my husband. I care about him. and I am committed to him - until death do us part.
I am not perfect in any measure. I stumble. I fall. I get overwhelmed. I lose it with him, even. I say things that are meant to help, but not said in the right way.
So many tears that I feel dehydrated.
This hurts me so bad to see him miserable.
Praying for him - just that he would cry out to Jesus in all of this. Faith does not make life easy. Faith makes life possible.
Please, pray for my husband. He is a good man, caught in a bad struggle.
Please, pray for his wife. She tries hard to be a good wife (Proverbs 31), and she too is caught in a bad struggle. Sigh.
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So why "Scattered Feathers" ? ? ?
You can read it here