Simply my ramblings ...

Thank you God for caring enough to catch my tears. I'm sure that by now you have either used a bunch of bottles (a whole bunch!) - or the bottle you have is mighty large!!! But thank you - for every tear I've cried, you have been right there. Thank you Lord. 

I think back to when my kids were growing up ... and I remember telling them to let me catch a tear - so that I could feed my goldfish =) ... it seemed to always bring a smile to their faces. 

It certainly encourages my heart to think that my Father catches my tears - be it to put them into a bottle, or to feed His goldfish. Just to know that He cares enough to see my tears, and cares even more to catch them. 

*A Bottle Full of Tears*
*My Bottle of Tears*
*Tears in a Bottle*
*Our Tears in a Bottle*
Tear Bottle History

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We are back in SS after a visit to Joshua and Dessie's. Sigh. 
I love going out there - just being with our kids and grandkids. The hugs from my son - oh the strength in his arms, the peace upon his shoulders. The conversations with my daughter -in - love, she listens to more from me than she should have to ... but she does it so graciously, as a friend. The hugs and kisses from my grandkids - they will never know how much that is my sanity!  
... but also the stillness and quietness of where they live. They are in a small "holler" - with a caprock right in front of them, and off to the side as well. The Brazos River runs at the back of their place. And they are the next to the last house on a dead end road. Yes, I love to go out there. 
But this last trip was a doozie! It was hot -- well, it is Texas summer! I saw a sign the other day that describes Texas summers -- "Who set the AC dial to HELL?" Yep ... And it was HOT at Joshua and Dessie's. Not unbearable ... well, not so much to them - they are used to it. Not even so much to me - ever since I had my cancer surgery I have no thermostat in my body, so I stay either COLD or HOT. Sigh. But Rick ... now he likes his AC ... and they have no AC. We took one for our bedroom so he could sleep ... but even he cannot LIVE in that bedroom. He is not the nicest person to be around when he gets out of the cool during a Texas summer either. So, yes - it was a difficult trip. Will we go back this summer? I want to ... the heat is not as difficult to deal with as the loneliness is for me. But - this is on Rick. He was the one most miserable out there ... so he needs to be the one to decide what to do now. 

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When I started this blog I said that I was going to be honest - good or bad. Even in the most difficult times. I would be honest. And I have - to a point. Whenever the worst of times have come around, I have skipped those times more than write about them. I already feel like I complain - and I don't want to be a complainer, a griper. I want to be an encourager. But, sadly there seems to be more difficult times and days than not any more. 
I think it is more the wearing away of patience than anything else. When you live with a on-going illness/disease ... and you are in recovery for longer than a few days ... well - you get tired. weary. frustrated. discouraged. Everything gets on that "very last nerve". You look for the escape. You try so hard to focus on the good and positive things in your life. You try so hard to live a life that honors the Lord. You praise Him. And you get tired. weary. frustrated. discouraged. 
The loneliness comes and seeps into every pore of your body. It feels like you will never laugh again - not a true and real laugh. You wonder if you will ever be held again? Touched with kindness and with love? 
So on those days ... what am I supposed to write? Just how often does anyone want to hear these words? 

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God says that He will never leave us, nor forsake us. That He will surely provide a way of escape for us. So, I breathe in and I breathe out. Waiting. Wondering. Struggling to trust Him. 

There are moments that are precious and good ... and I hang on to those with all that I am and have! Those are my points of sanity. My moments of escape. Thank you Lord for knowing me so well that you send these moments just when I need them the most. 

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Our daughter came by yesterday. Her hugs are so precious. She has a way of listening that tells me she cares. And she has a way to make me smile, make me laugh - a way that makes for just one moment, all is well. For just one moment - there is no sickness, no recovery, no illness. For just one moment - I have a real LIFE. 
Thank you my precious daughter! I love you more than words could ever say!!! 

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