Some words just mean more

I had these words printed and they now are on the wall in front of my computer - 
So as I sit here writing, I can raise my eyes and see them 
“A day will come when the story inside you will want to breathe on its own. That’s when you’ll start writing.” 
I cannot remember a time when I did not write
As a kid growing up, I was always writing - mostly poetry at that time
I gave almost all my poems to our pastor, Bro. John.
Not long ago, I saw Bro. John. 
After hugs, he told me that he still had all those poems.
And that one day soon, he was going to have them all printed and bound into a book. 
What amazed me the most was that he had kept them all these years! 
One of my poems was published in a book of poetry in the UK several years ago. 
After Rick and I got married, I wrote in bound journals.
I wrote poems, stories, thoughts and ideas
I wrote as I studied the Bible, things that were just “wow” to me.
Many of those I read out loud to Rick as we sat over coffee in the mornings
He asked me to write a book
Just a book of all these thoughts and emotions, as well as memories
He would often tease me, saying, “Are you working on that book? I’m ready to retire and ride my Harley!” 
He was convinced, or so it seemed, that I could write a book, sell enough copies to buy him a brand-new aqua blue and white Harley Soft-tail. 
When we lived & he worked in Idaho, he bought me a website to write in - 
Simply because 1. It was easier to keep family and friends updated as to where we were and what we were doing; and 2. We were living in a small RV and did not have a lot of room for storage of all my journals. 
So, www.kamelotrose.com was born - the thought of my Sweetheart. 
I had no idea how to create a website, much less what to call it. 
Rick worked with me on it. We bounced around ideas and thoughts for days. 
Then, one morning we were sitting there over coffee and he said, 
“I know what to domain to use for your website.”
I just looked at him, and waited.
“kamelotrose”, he said
When I asked him why, his answer made soft tears in my eyes, and they found their way down my cheeks. He stood up, came over to me, lifted my face, and kissed those tears. 
“Kamelot - because you not only love King Arthur so much, but you have the heart of Camelot. Rose - because you love roses, your Momma’s middle name is “Rosie”, and you my love - you are my precious Rose.”
The name of my website has often changed, depending on where we were, and what we were doing.
Currently it is titled with “Coffee Love” - which I do not think is hard to figure out, lol! 
My little website has grown in these years since that day. 
I have many pages, and several sections. 
Lately, I have been tweaking it. 
Sometimes taking things away.
Sometimes adding other ideas and areas.
I will continue to do this - even more in these days to come. 
Every day that I open my editor, I ask God for the wisdom and creativity to work on this. 
- that the words of my mouth and fingers, as well as the meditations of my heart, will please Him and honor Him, my Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.
When we first began the website, it was a way to share stories and pictures of where we were
Then it became a way to share the stories and life of our kids and grandkids
When our health began to change, Rick came to me one day and said,
“I want you to get out of your comfort zone with your blog. I want you to share our good days, our bad days, and all the days in-between. Be brutally honest. Perhaps just one person will be helped in some way.” 
So as difficult as it was, I did as Rick requested. 
Some people said I shared too much. That I was too honest. But to every one of those comments, Rick would answer for me. Defending me. Standing behind me. Always having my back. 
After Rick died, it was hard to write in it at all, or do anything to it.
Rick was my reader. Everything I wrote. Everything I did. 
He would look at the website. He would read my writings.
And he was the one to stand for me, when others came against me.
When he was no longer here to do that, it became almost impossible for me to write. 
Yet, just a month before he died, he had pulled me into his arms and made me promise to keep on writing, no matter what. 
I remember his every word, just as though he had said them this morning:
“Honey, I believe in you. I believe in your ability, talent and gift to write. I want you to promise me that you will keep writing, no matter what. If just one person can be helped, or encouraged ... or just one person can read of our struggles and trials and be inspired to make the changes needed, thereby being spared our fate - then all of this will not have been in vain. We will go thru a lot between now and my final breath. Then you will go thru a lot more without me here. I want you to continue to be brutally honest, sharing your thoughts and feelings, the good days and the bad nights. Be real! Be YOU! Promise me that you will not stop writing.” 
With many tears I promised him. 
And every day that I did not write, I felt the weight of that promise. 
I came back to the website, and I wrote some. 
I wrote about being a widow.
I cried a river of tears with some of those writings.
Then I began to share some of our memories, stories of Ricky Lee & our life, our love. 
Still I struggled with the writing
- just because he was not here to read the words
And then, I found these words that are printed and on my wall ...
I realized the truth of those words
And how that the story in me is breathing 
Gasping for air
Wanting so much to breathe on its own
I’m finding my way to let the story write itself