As I wait on Linda to call me and tell me where I am to go - who the gyna-oncologist is ... I research. Not wanting to be ignorant of this beast that is growing inside of me, turning our lives upside down and inside out ... I research.
Mayo Clinic ... National Cancer Institute ... American Cancer Society ... any well-known and reputable site that has anything about Uterine Cancer. (Oh, and I will be sharing some of those sites -but I am checking them out first! This is too serious to just throw out a bunch of sites that I'm not sure they know what they are talking about!)
**About 50,000 new cases of uterine cancer are diagnosed every year in the United States. One of the fastest growing cancers in America. But sadly, one of the least funded, least researched cancers in the world!**
**The only reliable test for uterine cancer? A DNC and biopsy. At this time.**
**What are the symptoms? None at first, and some women have no symptoms until well-advanced.**
Linda told me that I have several things working in my favor --
...no tampons used.
...I do not smoke or drink or do drugs.
...no sex outside of marriage with Rick.
...and I am overweight - not horribly, but enough that thru all this, my body has a reserve to draw from.
The things against me?
...I am a female.
...my mother had uterine cancer.
...and I am overweight.
In this I have come to a conclusion, and I have a Word from the Lord to support me - my heart is pure, my conscience is clear. I didn't do anything to do this to my body. God knew that the "if only's" would literally drive me insane ... so, He took them away before I could be tormented by them.
The Word that supports this? Psalm 35: 7 ... "Since they hid their net for me without cause and without cause dug a pit for me ..." God gave me verses 1 - 10 yesterday morning as a lifeline to hang on to ... and believe you me - I am HANGING ON!!!
I do not understand why I have to have cancer ... why I have to go thru this ... but - God knows all. This may have suckered punched us ... but it didn't take God by surprise!
Joshua told me Thursday night that he knew God was going to take care of me thru it. That God was going to heal me - one way or another. Either here on this earth so that I could have more time with my family and to serve Him - or He was going to heal me by taking me home.
Joshua said, "Momma, between you and me - if God decides to take you home, He and I are going to have some words!" God, love my son!!!
My son is afraid. And so am I.
My daughter is afraid. And so is my husband.
But in being afraid - we are also trusting in the Lord with all our heart, leaning not on our own understanding. In all these ways, we are going to acknowledge Him. Knowing that His promises are true and for real - He will direct our paths and make them straight.
At one time I had a picture on my wall. It was an old buzzard standing there, glaring ... underneath it said -"51% Sweetheart, 49% Bitch ... don't push it!" I got teased and picked at about that ... but it sure means a lot to me now ...
51% Trusting in the Lord ... 49% Scared to Death ... don't push it! Sigh.
When our kids were little, there were many times they would have a bad dream or a nightmare, or just be scared of the dark. They would come running to daddy and momma. We never hit them, screamed at them, or pushed them away. Never condemned them. We wrapped our arms around them, held them close to our hearts, and loved their fears and worries away. Usually singing over them, or talking to them, finding a way to make them smile and laugh.
If we being evil by nature know how to do good to our children, how much more does our Heavenly Father know how to do good to us?
Just because we are scared to death doesn't mean we aren't His children, or that He doesn't love us anymore. He isn't going to "send us away" from His presence because we are scared.
He gathers us into His arms, holds us close enough that if we listen - we can hear Him singing over us, we can feel the beat of His heart, the rise and fall of His breath.
Be scared to death. But be still in His arms.