Sunday afternoon thoughts from the heart

3:53 p.m. on Sunday afternoon, 2 days after Christmas 2020. And only 3 days & 20 hours until the beginning of 2021. 

Christmas Eve was spent alone. 
The first time in MY LIFE that I have been alone on Christmas Eve. It was not horrible, but it wasn't good either. I did a lot of thinking, some praying. Watched a movie, and went to bed early. Didn't sleep worth much, guess my mind and heart were too busy trying to sort thru some emotions. But I guess the important thing to remember is that I survived. 

Christmas morning was just as different. 
I have spent Christmas Day alone more than once due to Rick working that day. And once, because he and our son decided to go hunting after opening gifts, and our daughter went to a friend's. 
But NEVER (again) have I woke up alone on Christmas morning.
NEVER have I drank coffee alone on Christmas morning.
This was the first Christmas that there was not one gift under the tree. 
So, yeah. Different - that's a word, right? 

I did drink my coffee and wrote in my journal.
​Read my Bible and devotionals. 
Brushed my hair. Got dressed. 
Gathered the things I needed for the day.
And drove over to our son's for Christmas. 
Watched the grandkids open their "big" gifts.
We laughed and talked. 
Ate some pie. Laughing and talking around the table. 
Then, we all went to the corral and watched my son and grandson start a 3 year old colt. 
And ... laughed some more. 
I had a good day with them. Different, but good. 
A good supper of steak, salad, deviled eggs and rolls. 
More laughter as stories were told and the BS got deeper by the sentence! 

Daughter sent me some priceless pictures thru the day of her and the grandkids. 
Marine grandson is in on leave. 
I have not gotten to see him yet, due to distance between us, and the sad fact of lack of $$ for fuel for me to get down there.
Hopefully, they will be able to come up here to see her brother and me before time for our Marine to fly back to base, and then to be deployed in February. 
It's already been a year since I have seen him, my heart is aching pretty bad now! 

After the activities of Christmas Day, I drove back here to the apartment. 
Just as I walked in, the sight of the Christmas tree hit me square between the heart and my breath. 
A vivid and poignant reminder of just how alone I am most of the time these days. 
I put the tree up with a hope (silly, I know) that some how, it would draw some one to come see me HERE. 
To come, see the tree, and sit to visit with me here in this apartment. 
Seeing it Christmas Day evening, made all the alone hours come crashing down on my memory and mind.
So, I started taking it down. 
Packed up all the ornaments. 
That about broke my heart - just the thought of it all.
I then decided to wait until the next morning to take the tree itself down. 
But the decision was made that unless life changes for me in 2021, there will be no Christmas tree put up next year. 
My heart can only handle so much hope deferred. 

The tree is down. 
Rest of apartment decorations are down as well. 
Just the every day stuff remains. 
The only tell-tale of Christmas here are a few candy canes that I had bought for anyone who came. 
And I still hold on to them in hopes that yet someone will visit. 

Yesterday and today have been spent resting my heart, watching movies with meaning, took a nap yesterday (that was refreshing and good), and trying to wrap my mind around what I need to do, or what I want to do, in 2021. 

I don't have a firm plan yet, but I know this.
I do not want to be in the same place this time next year. 
Oh, being here at the apartment is just fine. As long as God wants me here, He will provide the rent for me. And I have been praying since the first night here that when God is ready for me to move, He will make it as clear to me as though His Hand was writing it on the wall. I don't want to screw up! 
But I don't want to be in the same place in my life.
*I know that I want to lose weight, and I am going to work my butt off - literally! 
*I know that I want to increase my learning, and I have already signed up for a couple of learning courses. 
*I know that I want to continue with this website, not just maintaining it, but adding to it, and figuring out a way to draw an audience to it. 
*I'm already working on Christmas gifts for our kids and grandkids for next year. Handmade by Love. 
*Reading. Researching.
*Down-sizing. I didn't really think I could down size anymore, but in looking around here, in my closet and such, I know there is room to do just that. Let things go. 
*It's also time to let some people and memories go. Those that no longer serve the good in me. Those that make me feel much dread and anxiety. 
*And it's time to reach beyond myself. Still trying to figure out the "how" on this. 
These are NOT New Year Resolutions. 
These are LIFE Resolutions.
Already begun, and it's not the New Year, yet. 

I am soon to be 60. 
In 127 days from today. 
I will be 60 years old. 
What do I want to be when "I grow up"? 
Thinking it's time to not only decide that, but to do it!!! ​