I sit here on the first Sunday of 2019, coffee cup at hand, sleepy in my eyes, and I wonder what to write. What can I say that I haven't already said?
*How much I miss Rick, and all that went with being loved, cherished, and cared about?
*How the wonderings about my tomorrows overwhelm my days and my nights?
*How tired & weary I am of the haters of me?
And the list goes on.
So what can I say this morning?
Still wondering about that.
Guess this will be one of those rambling posts after all.
I enjoyed spending time with my kids and grandkids over the Christmas holidays.
My heart is extremely proud of the lives they are living, the strength in their souls - even without their daddy & p-paw here.
He raised them good and strong. Taught them more in the life he lived than in the words he spoke. It made my heart smile big to hear them talk about hearing his words, and remembering the life he lived. What a testament to the man of honor he was, and he continues to be thru their choices and decisions.
I truly wish I had better answers for those who ask me what I am going to do with my life, or where I am going to be, or if I am ever going to love again.
However, my crystal ball got busted into a million gajillion pieces when Rick died.
So now, my life is being lived one moment at a time. Not even one day at a time. One MOMENT at a time.
Everything can change in one heart beat, or with one word.
I focus on the present. The past is overwhelming when I think too much about it - all that I lost when Rick died. The future is overwhelming, too - because I don't have answers. So, I focus on this moment. Where I am, what I am doing, those that I talk, text, or chat with, as well as those who are near me.
What more can I do?
At this point in my life I am not independent. As much as I wish I were. As much as I long to be.
That is one of the great things I miss about my life before death.
Rick encouraged me to be independent - spiritually, emotionally, mentally, physically, and in the day to day living of our life. I didn't have to answer to him for one thing. I did choose to - because I knew he had my back no matter what. He supported me, and he trusted me. He knew (as I knew) that no matter what or who was in our life, no matter what the day held - we would be going home with one another, lying next to each other the whole night thru, waking up to one another the next day to live life all over again.
He also made sure that I had a running vehicle that was as dependable as he could make it. And that I had money in my pocket for anything from a Dr Pepper to whatever I wanted. But he also knew that I was not a materialistic girl.
I am working towards that independence.
My 2004 Lexus 330XR is in the shop. I hope when it gets out that it is well, and road worthy. A vehicle that I can realistically depend on. I am a smart enough to know (just in reasoning it out, but also in experience) that even a brand new car can, & will at times, break down on you, leaving you stranded.
I look forward to having a vehicle again. It has been almost 2 years since I have had a running vehicle. One that sits in a friend's yard, un-drivable, doesn't count. Not so much because I am an "on-the-go-kind-of-girl", but if I want to go, at least I will have a way to do that. I appreciate family & friends who have offered to take me wherever I wanted to go, and many have done just that. But it will still be nice to once again feel that measure of independence in having my own vehicle.
I still do not know where to "be".
At this point, I am still staying with friends. I have a list of family & friends who have told me that I can come stay with them - for a night, or for however long I choose. My heart is warmed with the love shown to me by each one. I do not take their invitations lightly. And yes, I have full intentions of at least visiting each one. I want to give hugs and look them in the eyes to say "Thank You".
However, can I say this without sounding petty or selfish or childish? I am sick and tired of a suitcase! The 3 years that Rick drove a truck, I lived out of a suitcase. The final 3 years of his life as we traveled from one kids' home to another, and stayed with his parents, and lived in a hospital, or stayed in our RV - I lived out of a suitcase then, too. And now these 3+ years since he has died, still a suitcase. That is almost 10 years of having my things packed away where I cannot truly enjoy them, my clothes in a suitcase, a few hung up on a borrowed clothes rack, always with the feeling that I am intruding or in the way. Wondering just how much privacy and freedom am I stealing from this home? Sigh.
Many have asked why I do not at least get an apartment.
May I ask each one - "How do I get an apartment without the money?"
Yes, I get a small widow's benefit check on Rick.
No, it is not enough to live on.
Yet it is too much to allow me to qualify for financial aid in getting a place to live.
How many times have I been told in these 3+ years, "I am sorry. You are one of the unfortunate ones who simply falls through the cracks of our system."
I do not have a dependent child.
I do not have a qualifying disability. No, mental & emotional stress from being a widow and trying to figure it all out is not a "qualifying disability".
I am limited in the amount of money I could make each month without it going against my benefits. So, if I am going to work (and even that is limited due to my age and experience), I must either make under the limit (which just for the record, doesn't help a whole lot), or I must make enough to cover the benefits that will be taken away.
It is nothing more than being "between a rock and a hard place".
I have never asked for a hand-out.
A hand-up? Now that would be appreciated.
But I am not much of an "asking kind of person" in the first place. I keep my burdens to myself - except in sharing here in my website / blog. I figure things out. I do without. And I simply make do.
In this first month of 2019, I am focused on:
*taking better care of ME
*getting my car on the road
*going thru my few things, deciding what I want to keep, and where I will keep it
*enjoying moments with friends and family as they are
*doing all I can to believe that things will be better as the year progresses
And now, time for another cup of coffee.
So why "Scattered Feathers" ? ? ?
You can read it here