Tailspin Tale

Nights are tuff when I can’t sleep much
When I lay there, can’t get comfortable enough to go to sleep
But not uncomfortable enough to get up
When the thoughts won’t stop no matter how much I say, “Enough!”
And when the tears fall unbidden, making my pillow soaked
I am beginning to think that the years of sadness, 
The last few weeks of sickness
Combined with all the changes of the last 10 years of my life
Have finally caught up to my mind and emotions 
And depression looms, fighting for a hold on me
This battle started on this past Saturday, 
And it has felt like I was in a tailspin ever since then, 
With no way to control it
No way to stop it
Overwhelmed last evening with loneliness and feelings of isolation
A realization that I have no one to talk to who will listen without judgment or criticism
Which only serves to make me more vulnerable and weaker 
I feel like I am on super-overload right about now
In every area of my life
Just more than I can physically, or mentally, handle
I’ve never felt such a shut down of my heart, my mind, and even my body, as I have felt the last 3 days
I know that my ONLY Hope in all of this is for God to have absolute control -
As Psalm 131 says, “It is too much for me!”
For all of my adult life I had 3 g0-to’s:
My Momma ... she is gone now
My Rick ... he is gone, too
And my sister, Bettie Sue ... who is also gone
I think perhaps it is not right or wrong, maybe just “normal” to be so very sad in missing them all at once
Selfishly I suppose, I miss having a go-to person that I know I could call up at any time day or night - 
Or several times a day
Someone to enjoy a cup of coffee with, even just over the phone
Conversation about anything ... everything ... and nothing at all
Just a presence in my day
A moment in time that seems to stand still and lets me catch my breath
I realized this morning that in all those years of traveling around with Rick,
In all the moves we made, 
No matter what - 
He was my roots
He was also my wings
He gave me stability to know where I belonged
And he gave me freedom & support to do whatever I wanted to
Now, it is like I have neither roots nor wings
How do I get those again? 
This time different, because they aren’t to be with him
How do I put down roots?
Where do I put down roots?
How do I find my wings?
I read this meme sometime over the weekend, 
It was one of those that you FEEL:
“Rebirth
See this dark time as cocoon time, darling
Your new wings are emerging
Every butterfly is made by this fight
Even surviving and holding on
And finding a reason to meet the dawn
Your continued breathing is a holy part of this fight
The dark will turn to dawn eventually - 
It has no other choice.
 ~ SC Lourie ~
God, I want so much to believe these words, 
That this darkness, this isolation, this aloneness 
Is simply my cocoon time
May I hold to these words and hope?
God, I ask You for creativity, 
For wisdom
For direction
And for clarity
To make this life for me 
One moment at a time
One step at a time
God, I really need You in this
Take my hand, and teach me Your ways
Do not leave me alone, without You
Humbly I ask, 
I plead
In Jesus’ Name
Thank you for understanding these words
As well as all I cannot yet say
Bless Your Holy Name! 
Jehovah Uzzi - The Lord my Strength