Nights are tuff when I can’t sleep much
When I lay there, can’t get comfortable enough to go to sleep But not uncomfortable enough to get up When the thoughts won’t stop no matter how much I say, “Enough!” And when the tears fall unbidden, making my pillow soaked I am beginning to think that the years of sadness, The last few weeks of sickness Combined with all the changes of the last 10 years of my life Have finally caught up to my mind and emotions And depression looms, fighting for a hold on me This battle started on this past Saturday, And it has felt like I was in a tailspin ever since then, With no way to control it No way to stop it Overwhelmed last evening with loneliness and feelings of isolation A realization that I have no one to talk to who will listen without judgment or criticism Which only serves to make me more vulnerable and weaker I feel like I am on super-overload right about now In every area of my life Just more than I can physically, or mentally, handle I’ve never felt such a shut down of my heart, my mind, and even my body, as I have felt the last 3 days I know that my ONLY Hope in all of this is for God to have absolute control - As Psalm 131 says, “It is too much for me!” For all of my adult life I had 3 g0-to’s: My Momma ... she is gone now My Rick ... he is gone, too And my sister, Bettie Sue ... who is also gone I think perhaps it is not right or wrong, maybe just “normal” to be so very sad in missing them all at once Selfishly I suppose, I miss having a go-to person that I know I could call up at any time day or night - Or several times a day Someone to enjoy a cup of coffee with, even just over the phone Conversation about anything ... everything ... and nothing at all Just a presence in my day A moment in time that seems to stand still and lets me catch my breath I realized this morning that in all those years of traveling around with Rick, In all the moves we made, No matter what - He was my roots He was also my wings He gave me stability to know where I belonged And he gave me freedom & support to do whatever I wanted to Now, it is like I have neither roots nor wings How do I get those again? This time different, because they aren’t to be with him How do I put down roots? Where do I put down roots? How do I find my wings? I read this meme sometime over the weekend, It was one of those that you FEEL: “Rebirth See this dark time as cocoon time, darling Your new wings are emerging Every butterfly is made by this fight Even surviving and holding on And finding a reason to meet the dawn Your continued breathing is a holy part of this fight The dark will turn to dawn eventually - It has no other choice. ~ SC Lourie ~ God, I want so much to believe these words, That this darkness, this isolation, this aloneness Is simply my cocoon time May I hold to these words and hope? God, I ask You for creativity, For wisdom For direction And for clarity To make this life for me One moment at a time One step at a time God, I really need You in this Take my hand, and teach me Your ways Do not leave me alone, without You Humbly I ask, I plead In Jesus’ Name Thank you for understanding these words As well as all I cannot yet say Bless Your Holy Name! Jehovah Uzzi - The Lord my Strength
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So why "Scattered Feathers" ? ? ?You can read it here Past Posts
April 2023
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