Since it is only 12 days till Christmas, I suppose this should be an upbeat, happy, filled-with-joy, counting my blessings post.
Instead, I sit here alone at 2:55 p.m. on Friday, December 13, 2019 ... looking out the window while typing this. Struggling with whether to be brutally honest, or write so that whoever might read this (now or ever) will have some warm fuzzies to take away. Sigh.
It's not that I care what others think or say about what I write ...
But words haunt me. For good. Or for ill.
And having been told many times in the last 6 months that I "cry too much", that I am "too honest", "too real", "never seem to have a good day", that I am "too negative", never share anything worthwhile - even to the point of having dear friends threaten to unfollow me on Facebook, that I "focus on the bad stuff of being a widow" ... well, these words haunt my heart and mind. Make me overthink and second guess every word I write now. UGH.
Should I apologize to Rick for allowing the haunting to take place? Yet he knew me best, and he knew how the words of others affected my heart & mind. He knew that I am an empathetic, that I have "the gift" (as Louis L'Amour called it) - not that I care what others think or say ... just that it affects my heart.
It's complicated to explain, and almost impossible to understand, unless you too are an empathetic.
That's something else I have heard a LOT these 4 1/2 years - - "Stop caring what others say or think! Live your life! Love yourself!"
No matter how insistent I am to explain, to defend, to try and reach that point of understanding with others - - no one seems to GET IT.
I truly do NOT care what others think or say. BUT - - it affects my heart, my mind, my energy, my strength. I did not ask to be an empathetic.
I did not ask to have "THE GIFT" of being able to see, to hear, and to feel, so intensely what others see, hear & feel - even without them telling me, or showing me ... I simply KNOW.
The first time I can remember experiencing this "Gift" was when I was about 8 years old ... 50 long years ago. It was with my momma, who was going thru a very difficult time of her life. I touched her, to give her a hug, and I drew back sharply - because I had seen a darkness in her mind, I had felt a heaviness that took my breath away. I remember she looked at me, and said, "Child, you have it. You have the gift. Tell me what you have seen just now. Tell me what you felt." I did, and as I told her, I watched the tears roll down her cheeks. Then I saw her turn her head away and her body shake with sobs. I was afraid to touch her again. So I simply stood there. 8 years old. Scared. Worried. Not knowing what was wrong with me, struggling with my own thoughts & emotions, and feeling my momma's.
It is literally exhausting ... especially lately.
All of this is like a wicked merry-go-round and I feel as though I am about to be thrown wildly off!
The holidays are the worst.
Not only as a widow - dealing with all the memories, the emotions of my heart, the emptiness of my life - but also as an empathetic.
I feel the stress & frustrations of those around me.
Have you seen the movie, "What Women Want" with Mel Gibson? It is one of my favorite movies! It makes me laugh, but the other night when I watched it again (for the thousandth time :) ) - I realized something.
That is me. It's not so much that I hear what others (men & women) are thinking, I really don't. But I feel what they are feeling. And if anyone touches me, you know - like to hug me, or lay a hand on my shoulder, or shake my hand (which this is the "greatest" time of the year for all of those) - I can more often than not, "see" things about their past, their present, their future ... usually the regrets, the sorrows, the pains of their heart.
Rick knew that I had "the gift", even if he didn't totally get it - he got ME. He knew when I was overwhelmed by it all, and he had a way of taking me in his arms, holding me close against his chest, soothing me with sweet whispers & forehead kisses. He also knew when I had had ENOUGH! He would take me for a cheeseburger & a cherry Dr Pepper with a long ride down back country roads. Or he would rent a movie that would make me laugh. Or he would suggest a long nap - one where he held me, touching my hair lightly, and singing to me, until I fell asleep.
In all the years of our marriage, he never shamed me for having "the gift". He never said he wished I didn't have it. In fact, he came to rely on it. He encouraged me to use it for good, as a tool to minister to others, a way to understand them on a deeper level - make it easier for them to share their struggles.
Oh how I miss him ... especially right now.
And then others wonder "what's wrong" with me?
"Why so down and discouraged?"
"Why must you be so negative?"
"You shouldn't share your bad days & nights for all the world to see."
No one thinks that perhaps I share the bad, as well as the good, in hopes that perhaps there is ONE person out there who GETS IT, too? Maybe that ONE needs to know they are not alone ... I know that's exactly what I need to know!
So why "Scattered Feathers" ? ? ?
You can read it here