Coffee Love
  • Coffee Love
  • My Profile
    • I Believe
    • Stories from the Mists
    • Stay the Course
    • Respect, Honor, Gratitude
    • Favorite Links
  • Scattered Feathers
    • When You Need the Music
    • Coffee Love Images
    • Take it to the Roots
    • Love Notes
  • My Recipe Book
    • Appetizers
    • Bread
    • Casseroles
    • Crockpot Love
    • Meats
    • Veggies
    • Desserts - oh my!
  • Junk Drawer
    • Worth Sharing
    • Helpful Hints
  • Contact Me

The words are Anger & Acceptance

7/22/2018

0 Comments

 
I have grieved. I will always grieve. 
I have begged Rick to come back to me. Angry because he isn't listening & doing it. 
I have cried myself into dehydration. And if you want to argue and say you can't do such a thing? You have not taken ONE step on this journey of life after death on this earth alone. 

I think there will always be a part of me angry.
Angry that Rick didn't take the steps of action into better health when he had the chance, back in 1995. Angry that he began the long slow process of giving up when he was told that he had diabetes.
Angry at doctors that have absolutely NO bedside manners, no milk of human kindness & compassion left within them - those doctors should step away from the arena of dealing with people!
Angry at the pharmaceutical companies for creating, giving away, and selling drugs that have life long, or life threatening, side effects.
Angry at a health care system that rather than deal with the root cause of problems, offering tried and true answers, and giving words of encouragement ... have, as a collective whole, decided it better to simply drug people.
      Give them a drug to combat a problem, but that drug creates so many more problems, that more drugs must be given. 
      Offering only the negative answers "if you don't do what you are told".
Angry that Rick died and left me in this nightmare alone, scared, confused.
Angry at creditors that take things away from you because your name is not on the paperwork, yet you were married for 35 years, and you have the death certificate to prove that your husband died. 
Angry at promises that were broken, leaving me without a home, without a lifetime of possessions.
Angry that my life was taken from me when Rick died.
Angry that my kids and grandkids hurt and there isn't one damn thing I can do to make it better. 

Frustrated that my absence actually makes life better for others.
      Simply because I am a vivid reminder that Rick no longer lives.
     We were seen together for 35 years, it became no more "Rick" or "Margaret" - but "Rick & Margaret". So for them to see me makes them have to deal with their grief, and it is easier to push it all away. Easier to think that "Rick & Margaret" are living away again. 
Frustrated that the world that we live in now is so much more focused on the way a person looks, or "chemistry" at first sight, than about the heart, love, devotion and commitment of a person. 
Frustrated that I no longer have one to help me make decisions.
       I readily admit that I don't know everything about everything.
      But even in asking for help I am now met with "It's up to you". Sigh. 
      If I didn't want your opinion, your help, I wouldn't ask. 
Frustrated that I no longer have a home, no longer do I have "me things about me", no longer do I have a vehicle that I can drive.

And the list of my anger & frustration points goes on. 
While I breathe ... and hold it all in. 
Wondering if it is slowly driving me crazy, or will it kill me yet? 
Or perhaps it will just make me "Comfortably Numb" ... a living, walking, breathing zombie. 
Sigh. 

Then comes acceptance. 
Accepting that I was loved, I was cared for, I was someone's somebody. Optimum word: WAS.
Accepting that my life is all about wandering. 
Accepting that I do not belong anywhere ... let alone belonging to someone. 
Accepting that this is me now.
This is my life now. 

Accepting that I must make choices and decisions ...
and without the input of others.
Even others that I value their opinions and their wisdom. 

Accepting that dreams are just that - - dreams. 
Accepting that hopes have wings, and choose to fly away just when I need them the most.
Accepting that nightmares are now a stable part of the night.
Which means sleep deprivation is a way of life, so is rest deprivation. 
Accepting that to love someone doesn't mean I will be loved back. 
Accepting that to give of myself means that I will often feel empty and yearn to just be held. 
Accepting that the skin hunger will scream louder than anything else on earth at times. 
Accepting that life goes on, even when I don't want it to. 

Acceptance. 
I thought that was a good word. 

Sigh. 
​Life goes on. 
Picture
Picture
Picture
0 Comments

Your comment will be posted after it is approved.


Leave a Reply.

    So why "Scattered Feathers" ? ? ? 

    You can read it here

    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture

    Past Posts

    January 2023
    April 2022
    March 2022
    February 2022
    January 2022
    December 2021
    November 2021
    August 2021
    July 2021
    June 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021
    March 2021
    February 2021
    January 2021
    December 2020
    November 2020
    October 2020
    August 2020
    June 2020
    May 2020
    April 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    October 2017
    August 2017
    June 2017
    January 2017
    November 2016
    October 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013
    February 2013
    January 2013
    December 2012
    November 2012
    October 2012
    September 2012
    August 2012
    July 2012
    June 2012
    May 2012
    April 2012
    March 2012
    February 2012
    January 2012
    August 2011
    July 2011
    June 2011
    April 2011
    March 2011
    February 2011
    October 2010

    RSS Feed

    Picture
Website designed & developed by Margaret McCoy

​
God is God over the storms in my life & world -
and I am His.
Trusting in Him. Holding to His Promises as He holds me.

​
Learning to laugh, to love, & to live ... again - without Rick, but with God

Life goes on ... even when we don't want it to.

Great grief is indicative of a great Love.

Rick, my Sweetheart.
Margaret, his Beloved.
Always & Forever.
​
Picture
©Margaret McCoy, the Queen of Kamelot Coffee 
  • Coffee Love
  • My Profile
    • I Believe
    • Stories from the Mists
    • Stay the Course
    • Respect, Honor, Gratitude
    • Favorite Links
  • Scattered Feathers
    • When You Need the Music
    • Coffee Love Images
    • Take it to the Roots
    • Love Notes
  • My Recipe Book
    • Appetizers
    • Bread
    • Casseroles
    • Crockpot Love
    • Meats
    • Veggies
    • Desserts - oh my!
  • Junk Drawer
    • Worth Sharing
    • Helpful Hints
  • Contact Me