Thoughts from my heart today

As widows & widowers, we all have heard (and will hear) the insensitive words about life/death/grief/going forward. I have a certain amount of tolerance for those who have never experienced the loss of their heart.

However, my tolerance is at zero (or below) for those who know this loss and say things such as: "you are wallowing", "you can't be helped", "you need to move on", "quit living in the past", "pull yourself up and get a grip", ...

Really? I was married for 34 years, 7 months, 17 days and 11 hours. I have been a widow for 2 years, 4 months, 7 days and 4 hours. (By the way, I don't have to sit and count, my heart does it for me - even when I don't want it to.)

I get up every day, do my hair, get dressed, and go to work.
I talk, and laugh, and eat.
Shop when needed.
Take long walks as I can.
I engage others in conversations - some they start, some I do.

Yes, I have the gut wrenching moments, the memories that totally blindside me, and the tears that lately are only shed after dark when I should be sleeping.
But I am pressing forward (with no manual, no instruction booklet) the best way I know how.

I stumble, I say the wrong things at the wrong times, I laugh too long, I talk too loud and too much. But then, I am too silent, too still and quiet. I say "I'm sorry" too often (course if I don't say it then I am "cold hearted and do not care about the feelings of others").
I make mistakes.
I don't know everything there is to know about all this. Lord knows I have more questions than answers. I am searching for a measure of peace - Rick always said "Go where the peace is". (But what if there is no peace anywhere? What then? Sigh)
But I am living this widow's life.
Hoping that Rick would be proud of me.

To those who have said these words, I want to say - "I am glad that you are better than this. I am glad that you have found a way to make it thru this life. I hope you continue, that the grief doesn't way-lay you at some point.
If you have found your 2nd chapter? Congratulations. I hope you never have to know this grief again.
If you have the strength to never shed another tear? Good for you.
I am trying, and today? That is the best I can do.
So either love me, and lend me your hand, or your shoulder, or your ear, or just leave me alone."