Thoughts of the day so far ...

A hellish night of dreams that were too realistic for a tired mind and a weary heart. Makes me miss being held even more. My blanket doesn't bring the same comfort and strength. My pillow might catch the tears and become wet with them, but it doesn't wipe them away. There is no realness anymore to shoo away the bad dreams, the nightmares. 

Sitting here waiting on that first cup of coffee, with a gentle whisper of hope that it will clear at least some of the cobwebs away ... surfing Facebook mindlessly. A comment from a "friend". Started out kind enough, then a bit pushy with a phone number. "Delete". Then a private message offering friendship and inviting me to call anytime I need someone to talk to. "Thank you," is my answer. Next thing I hear? A messenger call coming thru. #1 - I do not answer these messenger calls. My kids and grandkids do not call there because they know I will NOT answer them. My true friends know the same. So, I do not answer the call. However, just to not be rude I sent this message - "I do not answer these messenger calls". I'm thinking enough already. But no. Then I am "urged" to call. I'm thinking, not saying, "Uh, hell no! I don't know you. I have seen comments from you. That's it. I do not call people I do not know. Good grief." But I don't respond at all. Just let it go. It will all go away. 
Not happening. 
The next message is rude & pushy. I probably should have just let it go, too. But after the hellish night, and BEFORE coffee? I might have had the right to not say a word, but I did not have the ability. 
"I have not had coffee yet, and you want to talk to me like this? I don't like conversation before my first cup of coffee and I certainly don't like conversations like this. My husband knew this about me, and he respected that. I am a good Southern woman - COFFEE FIRST!" 
Now, if someone had written this to me, I would have just hushed. Back off. 
But not this "friend". 
Had the audacity to go to a post of mine on Facebook and write a comment that ended with "BANG! Lonely no more!" Now was this a suggestion to me on how to deal with my loneliness? Or was this a threat that it was how they were going to deal with their loneliness? 
I lost my best friend to suicide in 1987. I do not take suicide lightly. But you do not threaten suicide to me! And you sure as hell do not suggest it to me as an answer for ME!
"DELETE. BLOCK." I'm done. I don't have to take that shit from anyone. Screw you! 

Enjoyed coffee ... 
​Enjoyed cooking breakfast.
There is only one smell better than bacon cooking ... and that is morning breath - oh how I miss that, too. 

I catch myself thinking, "If I could do just one thing right ... I honestly believe I would just sit down and cry a while."
Sigh.
Oh I know I have done things right in the past ...
         and will occasionally do things right in the present ...
               hoping that doing right will come more often in the future.
My heart simply gets weary and my mind tired of trying so hard.
Sigh.  
​
Time to get dressed & do my hair. 
List of things to get done today.