Thoughts & Questions from a Widow's Heart

God, every area of my life, every point of prayer
It all seems to begin, and end, making that full circle 
Around being Rick’s widow, and Your woman. 

I can thank You for sparing Rick this year of 2020, 
- I know him good enough to know that all of this would have driven him crazy! 
I can thank You for what You have done in my life, living this alone
- I have seen Your hand in my life, and felt Your comfort in ways that makes it hard to describe
I can thank You for the healing of my hurt and my heart that you are doing,
- now knowing that the ultimate healing will only be when I get there with Y’all 
And I thank You that healing in any degree does not mean our love never existed, or that it died with Rick.

On that thought - “healing does not mean our love never existed”:
I talk to a lot of widows and widowers, and I hear the questions and the ache within their hearts, time over again. 
So between my own experiences, and those shared with me, it all got me to thinking of a badly mangled/broken leg:
- how as it heals it progresses from a cast to a brace to a wrap to then nothing is needed for support
- and the person moves from a wheelchair to a walker to crutches to a cane to just walking on their own
- then begins the rehab time, of strengthening the muscles that have not been used during the healing
- and once that is complete, perhaps it looks and responds as though nothing happened ... but let the weather change, and the person is reminded of the injury
- or perhaps it healed, but leaves a limp in the walk, a different way to get dressed or move about
How we all accept it, whether it happens to us, to our loved ones, even to our fur-babies, or the animals under our care
- we don’t rush the healing
- we don’t beat them about with our words to hurry up and get well
- we listen as they recount their injury, time and time again, so often that sometimes it is though we are feeling the injury in our own bodies
- we pray for them for however long it takes to move along the healing journey
- and when the healing is complete, we do not tell them move on and forget that it ever happened
- nor do we deny, or insist that they live as though, the injury never took place
- we do not insist that they no longer speak of the injury or the healing
- we do not ask them to give the performance of a lifetime as though they had never been thru the injury and the healing
- we actually expect it to change them, mentally, emotionally, physically, even spiritually

But, wait! Isn’t that a picture of grief as a widow?
We are walking just fine, living life, loving one another, laughing and planning 
And then BAM! Death happens to one. 
The other is left broken, mangled. 
- there is no cast or brace or wrap to put around a broken heart
- and even if there was? It could not be seen by anyone else
- we progress in our healing, but again, it’s not seen by others around us, except perhaps in our actions or words
- we must “rehab” ourselves, learning to love again, learning to laugh, learning to live
- we have to teach ourselves to be just “one”, not a “we” or an “us”
- we learn lessons that we never knew existed
- taking and passing, sometimes failing, tests that we didn’t study for
- hobbling around trying not to upset anyone with our tears

I know that people cannot truly understand without the experience
- and not one of us as a widow, or widower, wants anyone else to experience the nightmare that we are living and learning our way thru
- but just as people show compassion on those who have an injured leg, without having an injured leg themselves
My one question is: Where is the compassion, the understanding that compassion brings, for the widow? 
- why are we told that all the firsts happen in that first year, so after that very first angel-versary, things are easier? 
   It has been 5 years & 7 months for me, and still I face FIRSTS time after time after time ... alone 
- why are we told to “get over it” when it has been 2 years or 5 or 10 or 20? What difference does time make when it’s your heart that is broken? 
- why are we told to “just get a life” when we are struggling to just breathe, to live? When our “life” was torn from us, and the wreckage that remains is shattered beyond what we can comprehend. 
- why are we pressed into another relationship when we still are so attached to the one just ripped from our hearts? If there is to be another relationship, we need space (and just for the record? There is NO time for grief, it’s just a word) to accept what has happened, to give our hearts and souls the chance to breathe deeply of life once more, to convince ourselves that it is “OK” to be alive. 

I do not want anyone else to know this by experiential knowledge. 
I know they will. 
Simply because death is a part of life.
The real sucky part! 

But there is so much in life that we have no experiential knowledge about,
yet we are compassionate, caring,
reaching out a hand to help someone up from the pit of muck and mire that life throws them into. 
- has your heart been touched by a starving child that you have seen on a TV commercial?
- have you ever given money, time or supplies to a disaster relief fund? 
- have you ever given toys to a Christmas project, even though you did not know a child involved? 
- have you ever prayed for an accident victim that you heard about, or read about? 
- have you ever reached out and opened a door for someone struggling? 
- the questions are a thousand or more of the kindnesses you have done, the patience you have shown, the love you have given, the mercy you have shown.

And yet, have you ever thought - 
- goodness it has been 3 years since her husband died, why isn’t she dating again?
- oh my word! It’s been 10 years since his wife died, and he still misses her? 
- really? She has been a widow for 5 years and she’s still alone? She still can’t figure out how to do things for herself, such as work on a vehicle, change a light bulb, etc ...

We have all lost someone close to our heart.
A dad. Mom. Brother. Sister. Uncle. Aunt. Child. Cousin. Friend. Co-worker. 
Do you still miss them? 
How long has it been since they died? 
If they have been gone over 1 year, have you forgotten about them? 
Do you ever wish you could pick up the phone and call them just one more time, to tell them a stupid joke, to share good news (or bad)? 
Do you think about them when you eat their favorite foods? 
Or when you go somewhere without them, that you went with them? 
We all show comfort and compassion to one another for this type of grief.
But we so often fail to extend the comfort, the care, the compassion, to widows and widowers. 
We just want them to "get it fixed". 

God, life moves forward
And I am forever changed
But that’s not a bad thing, right? 
I am different now alone than I was with Rick
And isn’t that the way it should be?
That Rick’s absence makes a difference in me - 
- doesn’t that prove that his presence made a difference too? 
For I have heard it said many times, mostly speaking from the point of view of a break up:
- If my absence makes no difference in Your life, then neither did my presence. 
So why should I be beaten about for being different now? 
And why am I told time and time again what to do, how to do it? 
- not in a way that is encouraging or inspiring
- but in a way that, at least seems, to come from a point of frustration from those saying it

**Rick, I’m going to make it.
I miss You like crazy.
And I love You with all my heart. 
Please do not let go of my left hand
God holds my right hand
I am held on both sides! 
Walk me thru this life
And wait for this woman of yours ;) 
I’ll be there
But I have a job to do here first. 
A thousand years is as a day unto the Lord
And there is no time where You are - 
So, in Your world, I’ll see You soon
In my world? 
God hasn’t told me yet ;) 
I love You Rick
Oh how I love You

I am sorry for all the mistakes and missteps I have done these 5 years & 7 months. 
- I really hope You will forgive me, and still long to take me in Your arms when I get there. 
- please, forgive me and do not push me away. I could not bear it. 
Oh Rick, I am sorry. I screwed up! When I lost You, I lost my anchor for a while. 
  - And I didn’t mean to put all that on You in the first place! 
  - You were just so strong and good to me
  - You loved me with a passion
  - And You were so easy to get wrapped up in! 
I have a new anchor now - Jesus
- learning to live this life without You, Rick, has been a challenge
- and to be honest? I still don’t like it! 
- I much prefer being Your wife, instead of Your widow!!! 
But I am trying now to only Honor God with all that I am, with all that I have - and with all that I am not, all that I don’t have. 
- Trusting Him to carry me thru these storms
- After all, He is the God of the storms, and I am His. 
Rick, if You can, love me loud today. 
I have learned a lot about me, especially in these last 90 days. 
I know now, I’m ok with just being me, Your widow, and God’s woman ;) 
Whatever He wants to do with me, 
Or in my life. 
I love You honey.
And I will never stop missing You, or wishing for life with you. 
Always and forever. 
To infinity and beyond!!! ​