Thursday morning coffee thoughts:

My one day off this week ... facing a 3 day work weekend beginning tomorrow. 
I truly do care about these ladies that I help.
However, I feel so very limited in my abilities ... and in my capabilities. 
My one hope and constant thought has become - His Grace is sufficient. His Grace is enough.
When working 24 hour shifts, that are 2 and 3 back to back - the body, the mind, the heart, and the soul, get weary and worn.
And from this past Monday until next Monday morning at 7 a.m. I will have worked 125 hours. 
That's just hard on this old body and heart of mine.
Even when things are going good ...
 - but when things aren't so good - yeah, it takes a greater toll. 
I know that money is not everything. And it isn't supposed to be the entire reason for working. 
But ... it's a struggle not to think right now about $$$. 
I am working on a small monthly salary + this cottage (which is the size of a master bedroom with a bathroom). 
When I hired on, I told my boss that I was more than willing to do all that I could
- but I did not want to work more than about 30 - 35 hours in a week's time. 
And no matter how I try to pencil whip these hours ...
- 125 hours is MORE than I want to work ...
- more than I can honestly work. 
Lord, please, move in my life ...
- - or move me. 

Our sweet Alzheimer's lady. Things started going down hill for her a couple of weeks ago. A growing agitation and restlessness. Weakness that we were noticing more and more. We requested testing for infection. The first urine test came back negative. Even the blood work came back all clear. But her progression down was gaining speed. In the last week she took 4 hard falls, with hospice being called each time. Medication reviewed and instructions given. Yesterday, none of us could continue the way we were, so 911 was called. The EMT's arrived, and with love, care and protection, they transported her to the hospital. She does indeed have a bad bladder infection. She is back at the house this morning, on antibiotics, drinking as much as she can. We still aren't sure if all the symptoms are related to this infection, or if the disease of Alzheimer's has progressed as well. We won't know until the infection has abated. Praying for her, for her family, and for us as caregivers. 

Seeing her being loaded onto the stretcher, and rolled out the door, took my breath away.
At first, I thought it was just because my heart was so concerned for her. 
But as the day grew longer, and my work time ended there ...
I came to the cottage, curled up in the recliner, and literally cried myself to sleep.
Woke with tears still streaming ... 
And then, I realized. 
The last time I had seen someone on a stretcher, being rolled out the door ... was Rick. 
I was completely unprepared for what this made me feel ...
- how this took me back to that day 6 years and 3 months ago. 
Even now, knowing that she is back at the house, my breath still doesn't want to come "normally". 
Rick, I miss you.
But just with every breath I take 
- and every move I make. 

Lord, I want so much to LIVE this life. 
Not just simply exist. 
These days, it feels like all I can really do is exist. 
And that makes my heart hurt even more. 
Please, show me how to just breathe thru these days. 
Trusting while praying that there will come a day when I will LIVE again. 
In Jesus' Name I ask. 
Thank You God for understanding me so completely. 
I love You. 

I know that Danny Gokey did not write this song for me ... 
well, he doesn't know that he did ;) 
But today ... these lyrics ARE for me. 
​
Devastated, an understatement
It's not part of the plan
You're asking why He didn't stop it
If the whole world's in His hands

Suffocating in the waiting
And your faith is wearing down
But there's hope even though
You can't understand the pain of your road

He's in the future, He knows something you don't
One day, you'll see, you'll be on the other side of this
All done with it
Better because of it, because of it
Better because of it, because of it

Someone's gonna need your story to get them through the night
Someone's gonna see His glory, by the way, He won your fight
There's a breaking in the waiting

And the storm keeps bearing down
But there's hope even though, even though
You can't understand the pain of your road

He's in the future, He knows something you don't
One day, you'll see, you'll be on the other side of this
All done with it
Better because of it, because of it
Better because of it, oh

Everything that you think will break you
Are the things that He'll use to make you
So hold on longer, so hold on

Everything that you think will kill you
Are the things that He'll use to build you
So you'll be stronger, you'll be
You're better because of it, ayy
​
Suffocating in the waiting
And your faith is wearing down, mmm
Better because of it, because of it
Better because of it, because of it
Better because of it, oh
Ooh, oh yeah
He's making you stronger through it all
Making you stronger

Source: Musixmatch
Songwriters: Bernie Herms / Emily Lynn Weisband / Daniel Gokey