Time to catch up

Whew.
What a month it has been. 
The day after I posted the last blog, was the beginning of the whirlwind. 

Our Alzheimer's Lady was no better, and just progressively got worse.
A flurry of activity all around her, nurses, caregivers, family. 
She became more than I could handle on my own. 
The boss lady came at my calls time after time, to help get our Lady up, to the potty, and back in bed.
After that weekend, it was decided to hire another caregiver to be there at all times, round the clock - so that the primary caregiver could administer medications, and care for the other Lady as well as cook and clean. 
In the midst of this severe progression down, our other primary caregiver was exposed to Covid, and placed in isolation for 10 days, with testing and while waiting on results. Which left me alone to know the medication schedule for our Alzheimer's Lady. 
12 days has 288 hours. 
In the 12 days after my last blog, I worked 247 hours. Round the clock, without time to step away outside. 
To say that I was exhausted is probably THE understatement of my life!
The family decided Aug 6 to move our Alzheimer's Lady to an Alzheimer's unit facility - in hopes that they would be able to work with her in a way that we could not. 
Sadly, she passed away a week later. 
My heart was/and is broken. 
In the 2 months that I had been with her so much, I had become quite attached to her, and her to me as well. 
I will treasure her memory and the times that we spent together.
Yes, there were a lot of moments of frustration for both of us - but a lot of love and care between us, too. 
I will miss Miss Lady.

The weekend after she left, I was required to work due to the other caregiver having been exposed. 
Granted, it was an easier weekend, but still I was already exhausted! And keyed up to the point that I did not sleep, did not rest. 
When our other primary caregiver was released from isolation, testing negative - thank You Lord! - and came back to work, I was given 5 days off due to scheduling changes. 
In those first 5 days, I did little but try to distance myself from the job, and pray. 
In the words of my momma, "I was too tired to sleep".
I tried.
I really tried.
But in those 5 days, my sleep was mostly a couple of hours here and there. 
I was just too grief stricken to think, or to rest. 

In the first 5 days off, one of my best friends - of 45 years - died. 
I cried a river of tears that day. 
Still easy to feel the tears welling up inside my heart when I think about him. 
I will always remember his love, his support, his sweet words of encouragement.
And I will forever treasure the way he made me smile after Rick died, when I didn't think I would ever truly smile again. 
Thank You Gary - for being a friend. I love you - to the "moon" and back ;) 

Not sure what it was about Gary's death, but it was like every death I had endured over the last 15 years of my life all happened again in that moment when I was told that Gary had died.
Maybe because in so many ways, he was my memory keeper of all those deaths. 
He had been the solid one all those times, telling me to "hold on girl, it'll be ok", or "I'm praying for you girl, you know I am", and then his ever present phone call or message - "It's me again, Margaret! You ok, girl?" 
And his "you ok, girl?" was a REAL question.
Not just a passing nicety of hello. 
He REALLY wanted to know. 
And I was REALLY honest with him. 
The one person I always knew I could trust. 
He's gone.
I wrote on Facebook the words that scream in my heart and mind: "Gary, how am I supposed to do this widow's life without YOU?" 

Then, I was on schedule to work 2 days.
And another 5 days off - with the office trying to get the 2 primary caregivers back on schedule. 

Today is my last of the 2nd set of 5 days off. 
I still do not feel completely distanced yet. 
Nor do I feel completely rested.

Today is Gary's funeral, that final good bye here upon this earth. 
I will forever miss my friend. 
Yes, there are tears again today. 
I suppose some would say they are selfish tears. 
I know the platitudes - "he's in a better place". 
But for now, I am not. 
My tears are drops of love and care - I love you Gary. 
Tell that husband of mine how much I love him for me, would you do that? 

Oh, and in this last month, my truck has had a squeak get progressively worse.
Finally got it into the shop to see what it was going to cost to fix the AC - too hot in Texas to be without one! 
And to have them find the squeak. 
$300 to fix the AC. 
Another $2500 to fix the squeak. 
- tie rod ends, hubs, brake pads, brakes, sway bar links, and only the mechanic knows what else! 
But now, the truck is out of the shop ... 
Parts are paid for. 
Working on paying out the labor. 
Thank you, William for allowing me to do this. 

Work.
Returning to the "schedule" tomorrow. 
At least for now.
The other resident house, where I began this journey, is going thru caregiver changes the end of this month.
Boss Lady says that due to how good I was with those ladies there, she is moving me back over there - unless by some miracle something happens, or doors are opened for someone to step in. 
My heart is torn ... I really want to stay here with Miss V - she's so much like the grandmother I never had! 
And selfishly? I have not had enough time with HER!
Lord, my life and the times of my life are not my own. 
YOU are in control. 
Not a Boss Lady. Not a schedule. 
YOU are in control.
Do with me as You will ... where and when as You will. 
Please, help me just breathe. 
Trusting in Jesus. It's truly all I can do. 

My heart and mind dream of having an RV. 
Regardless of whether I continue working as a caregiver, 
or if I go into the work camping experience as a widow. 
I think about having an RV of my own - my own personal space to do with as I want to. 
Lord, I wonder what Your plans for me are.
All I can do is continue to pray, and trust You. 
Then work for what I am praying for. 
Please, guide me in this life. 

Lord, move in my life - or move me. 
in Jesus' Name I pray, asking. 
Trusting. 

Well, that's a quick outline of this last 3 weeks or so. 
I will try to so some fill-in's as this week goes - 
Hopefully life has calmed and will be quiet for a few days.