I had no idea that it has been just a little over a month since I have written here. Wow. Time seems to go faster every year ... no, every day!
And now that the time has changed - Spring Forward - the mornings just disappear! I wake up, have coffee, read the Word, get dressed, and poof! The morning is gone! It's afternoon now. I shake my head and wonder if my body & mind will adjust to this. Oh I know it does every change of time ... but I'm older now - so will it adjust as quickly or as easily? Whew! This is only the 2nd day of this change, but good gravy!
This past month was a most difficult one for me. On every level.
February 9 brought Captain Jack down.
Still not sure what is wrong with him.
But, he's not road-worthy, I know that much.
As long as the O/D light is off, indicative that the overdrive is working, he runs like a champ.
However, as soon as the O/D light starts flashing, the power just simply goes away. Takes me down to around 40 mph. Then the engine will rev, almost like it is in neutral, finally shifting and then if the light goes out, we are back to running like it should.
I am overwhelmed with all of this.
I am doing my best to stay strong and wait patiently.
But, I feel like I am getting weaker, not stronger.
I am so very tired of being stranded, yet again.
I was stranded like this for over 2 yrs in KY - because my car then would not run, it needed just a few little things done to it.
Things that I was promised would be taken care of by friends ... things that were never taken care of.
The car ended up literally rotting down in the yard.
And I was left to blame for allowing it to happen, that I had not driven it like I should have to keep it running. ? ? ?
This after being told to NOT drive it until all the little things were fixed.
Oh - whatever!
But the way that played out makes me feel that not-so-old-familiar frustration and discouragement.
Now, everyone tells me what to check for, to take it to a mechanic, or what to do myself.
When I tell them that I have checked what I can, and I have had it coded twice, with a transmission shop telling me it "I don't think it is the transmission, but even if it is, we need to get the engine running properly first." ? ? ?
Then I am instructed to "suck it up, pay the money and get the darn thing fixed!"
What NO ONE seems to get?
I DO NOT have the money!
If I had the money?
It would have already been fixed, or replaced!
Now, don't misunderstand me, I am not asking for this truck to be looked at for nothing.
I have already paid over $200 to have it diagnosed, which led to 2 completely different "estimates" & diagnosis.
One involving the transmission and the other involving the engine.
With estimates running from $1500 to $5000.
I only gave $6950 for the truck in the first place! So spending the higher end of those estimates does not make good sense. It's more like throwing good money after bad. :(
At the most what I would hope for is that a mechanic that I could trust (is there one?), would look at it, give me an honest diagnosis, and tell me truthfully - is it worth fixing?
And if yes, that he would allow me to pay him out on the work needed done to get me back on the road.
The other thing that I am told to do is: "Turn it over to God. Trust Him."
Ok. Good sound advice.
I know that all of this is in HIS hands, not mine.
But I also believe that God does not expect us to just sit on our empty hands and wait for Him to swoop in and rescue us.
God helps us as we help ourselves. Or so I have been taught since a toddling child.
I just don't know what to do ...
nor how to do it ...
and certainly don't know how to pay for it.
It's hard not to be consumed with the thoughts that if Rick were here, HE would know exactly what to do!
Not only was he a good mechanic, but he knew mechanics that could be trusted.
And guaranteed, if a vehicle gave him much to deal with? That vehicle was not long a part of our "family".
Rick was insistent that I have a running vehicle, no matter where we lived, nor what our life was like at the time. Even when we were on the truck together, my truck sat there, waiting and ready for me to get home to it. Sigh.
So, the not-so-fun merry-go-round continues, threatening at any moment to throw me completely off.
This past month hasn't just been about the truck, although that is enough!
My children and grandchildren have been sick - flu and/or upper respiratory viral infection. As well as part of them have had a stomach "thing" that just seems to hang on no matter what they do, or don't, eat/drink. Sigh.
Add to that, someone in trouble with the law because of inattentiveness to details ... and others with having dental work done - including wisdom teeth cut out.
Oh, and I have been told that since the kids are grown, I shouldn't concern myself with them and their choices. Nor should I allow them being sick/hurt to take away from my peace of mind - after all, they are adults, and for the grandkids? Well, they have parents to attend to them!
? ? ?
The ones who have said those words to me DO NOT KNOW ME! And they don't know the reality of life.
Yes, the kids are grown and must answer for their own mistakes. But that doesn't mean that I don't care, or that I no longer worry.
Yes, the grandkids belong to their parents for the raising. But again, that doesn't mean I don't care, or don't worry. Just because I am not the one directly responsible for their well being doesn't mean I am not called upon for wisdom, counsel, and advice!
Oh, and I would have it NO OTHER WAY!
I love my kids and grandkids.
Even when life hits hard, or they make mistakes.
I realize that the ones who said these words to me are perhaps trying to encourage me, but all I could (and continue to) think - REALLY? ? ?
I have not, nor will I ever, wash my hands of my children and grandchildren.
I have not, nor will I ever, cease to be Momma & Grannee!
And as if all of this were not enough ...
I have been struggling with not feeling well, an earache that just will not go away and stay away, and a migraine from HELL - one that lasted well over 72 hours, one that greatly tempted me to go to the ER.
I know that part of it all is the stress and frustration with everything going on in my life, and around me.
And part of it is this time of year in Texas. 21* at night and 81* in the afternoon. Quite the change for this old body to accept and do well with. This part of it will level out soon. Easter is April 12 this year, no more freezes after that. :)
The allergies will probably get worse before they get better - simply because things are just now beginning to show the new growth and blooms.
I know I shall be ok - it will just take a little while to allow my body to once again adapt to these Texas spring times and effects.
So, seeing February leave was NOT a bad thing this year. Hoping and praying that March will be BETTER.
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So why "Scattered Feathers" ? ? ?
You can read it here