What are you going to do now?

​I don't know.

If I had a nickel for every time this question has been asked of me in the last month since leaving Kentucky, I would be having a good lunch right about now! 
Sadly, the questions make me want to draw away from people ... because I don't have any answers.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.

A month ago when I had to leave Kentucky suddenly and with the stern warning of never returning, it caught me off guard ... shook me to the core ... cut my heart into a million pieces once again ... and literally took my breath & ability to think away. 
In this month I have spent time with my kids and grandkids ... watched a couple of movies ... written a couple of blog posts ... talked with some friends ... discussed - or been discussed - with the authorities over all that happened in KY ... tried to sleep ... took a walk or two ... curled up for hours under a blankie ... had a couple of outings with the kids & grandkids ... drank more than a gallon of coffee ... and have spent hours upon hours thinking, wondering, trying to figure out the past - the present - and yes, the future. 

And here I sit, 4 more wake ups till Christmas Day ... then another 7 wake ups before New Year's Day 2020. 
Still no more answers than when I drove away from Paris KY - alternating between screaming how unfair it all was, and crying till Captain Jack shuddered. 

I know that money is not the answer to all problems, but I will say this - if I had the money I would have a better answer of what to do. 
But when the money isn't there ... well, it becomes more of a challenge to figure things out. 
Receiving the widow benefits puts me in a difficult situation, even while providing for a few personal needs. 
Not enough each month to live alone, but too much to qualify for any financial aid or help. 
Also limits what I can make by working. Yet, I have too much life left in me to just sit and do nothing.
Sigh.

I do not want to be a burden to my children & grandchildren. Nor do I want to be in the way, or interrupt & invade their lives. I know they love me, and I know they are willing for me to stay with them until I can figure it all out. But I feel an urgency to do just that, to come up with answers.

I know more of what I don't want ... 
And even more of what I do want.
But how do I get from where I am right now to even being on the road to there? 

I am going to take the rest of this year, 11 more days, to enjoy my kids & grandkids, to work on my websites, to read a book, to sleep, to savor my coffee, even try not to think too much. 
January 2020 will come and bring with it changes to my life yet again. 
For now? I simply need to REST.