Sometimes I think about coming here and writing ... and then I don't.
I'm not real sure what to write anymore.
This blog and website was started as a way to share what Rick and I were going thru. And now? Rick is at peace ... he is at rest. I am not.
Just how much do you want to read over and over again - that I love my husband, that I miss him like crazy???
But this is my life now, and it is what I am going thru.
My days are spent ...
...helping teach 2 of our grandkids in homeschool, guiding them in their studies, reading aloud with them ...
...being on Facebook - a member of support groups for widows and widowers. I am finding a commonality there that I never wanted, but so thankful for! It doesn't take the pain, grief, sorrow and loneliness away - but it does make me realize that I am not alone in this journey.
...reading my Bible - it is my Strength, my Hope. Rick and I read the Bible individually and together. We talked about the Bible a LOT. I miss that. I still read the Word ... still pray ... But I miss the sharing and talking.
...writing in my journal. Talk about writing a book! there are days that it seems all i do is write!!!!! it is my safe place - where i cry, pray, remember, love on Rick, miss him like crazy.
...trying to find something to work on each day that will ease the pain of this grief. it's hard tho. my attention span doesn't seem to be very long anymore. and what interested me 2 days ago no longer seems to hold the same for me.
...yesterday, i started a lap quilt. Made from some of my momma's quilt pieces, and quilt pieces cut from Rick's favorite shirts. I made the top and pinned it to the blanket - Rick's favorite blanket, the one he covered up with when he was cold, or didn't feel good, or was just plain oofie.
...i love to read - but i have a hard time concentrating long enough to finish a book.
...i have started coloring - using it for therapy. It works some ... helps to find a focus for me.
My nights ... well ... those are my very own.
The first 3-4 months i didn't sleep much, at least not every night. I would sleep 1-2 hours, be awake for 3-4, just a hard cycle. I think a big part of that was not only being alone for the first time EVER - but it was having been so used to waking up every couple of hours to check on Rick and the dialysis cycler. Then, i would have one night out of 4 or so that i would absolutely crash - and i would sleep.
And now, 188 days later, 6 months into this - i sleep more at night. Now i seem to sleep 3 hours and be awake an hour or two. i snuggle with the T-shirt quilt i made from Rick's favorite T-shirts. I cry myself to sleep - sometimes as i go to sleep, sometimes after i have slept a while and then wake up. I spend a lot of hours in the night time thinking and remembering my Sweetheart, my Soul-mate, my Love.
Every day and every night seem to just simply blend into one another. There are moments here and there of laughter, of peace. A smile will come ... but then, so do the tears.
I am slowly, so very slowly, finding my way thru the grief. I hope. There are those breaths that the grief, sorrow, and loss are gut wrenching. And when that happens, i just breathe. I very literally focus just on taking this breath and only looking far enough ahead to take the next breath.
So why "Scattered Feathers" ? ? ?
You can read it here